#occupytheelliptical +FIN +measurements

So... I've started going to the gym the past couple of days because each machine has an individual TV and I can watch Friends. Ha! But I stay on for an hour (2 episodes) and burn 400 calories, so that's pretty good. And I always leave feeling pretty great.

In fact, I'd forgotten how awesome it feels to step out into the cold right after a workout, in shorts and a thin fleece and feeling invincible because eveyone's walking around in pants and wool coats, shivering. Like, SUCK IT!!!

Sorry. I'm in kind of a weird mood because I just handed in my portfolio which means that I'm DONE FOR THE SEMESTER!!!! Hell yeah!!!

I'm still kind of in denial. I mean, I'll be here until the weekend (damn flight) and I've got stuff to do--like the fitting tomorrow.

Did I tell you that story? My short-term memory has REALLY been acting up lately. I guess I'll tell it again as quickly and painlessly as possible.

So, it was C's bday (yuck) and she, E, A, and I were sitting in A's room and E is talking about how her friend is designing for their program's annual fashion show (which I think is a big-ish deal) again and how she's getting their friend to model again and all the sudden she turns to me and she's like, "You'd actually be perfect."

And I was like, "What? Have you seen how tall I am?" because I'm 5'2! Me runway-modeling? That's insane!

And she goes, "No, no! You'd be perfect! Our friend is small too. You guys are probably just about the same height. And your hair is really similar... omg you guys would match! It's too perfect!"

"Really?" And she has me stand up and she takes a picture on her phone and sends it to her friend.

And she's like, "Totally. You're a model-size... and she's looking for people who have an interesting look, and your face is interesting and pretty." (I didn't really need to include that part but I thought it was really nice of her. I love E <3)

Her friend liked my picture, and when I went to meet her in person, she agreed that I'd be good.

So tomorrow she measures me. I should have planned ahead--stayed away from bread, etc.--because I don't want her to have buyer's remorse. Maybe I'll tell her I'm on my period? I do plan on continuing to lose weight, but I guess these are just preliminary measurements...

Bah. I'm rambling. Because I'm nervous because I'm not sure if I want to know the numbers.

But I'm not going to lie; I'm curious as hell.

Have a terrific evening, everyone!
-K

finals week

I took my physics final last night; I studied the wrong stuff (old info instead of new), so I was fairly uncomfortable with the material. The prof curves, so hopefully other people didn't do that well either... but still. It felt bad. I took finals like that in high school-- that didn't feel great-- but everything turned out ok. Well, even. (I got in here, didn't I? And it was my first choice.) But this is college. A really competitive, pressure-cooker, dog-eat-dog college.

Things might not turn out ok here.

In other news, I'm still 104.2. According to my scale, I have been every day since the 4th. Can that be right? I mean, I weigh myself every morning in the same manner... but that's a lot of days.

Today, I did a test though. I weighed myself again with a jacket on and my weight rose 2 lbs which I estimate is pretty accurate, but it still makes me nervous. What if that preliminary 104 is off and when I weigh myself on my family's scale it says 110 or something?

I shouldn't be thinking about this. I should be thinking about my french final tomorrow and the things I have to write for creative writing. Not scales.

I hope things are going well for all of you! I'm soooo close to being done with the semester and then I'll post more and read your blogs and comment and be awesome!

-K

Overreacted

Again. (It seems.) Like the C and A thing all over again... ish. I'm sorry I keep doing this.

Truce?

Yesterday, everything was back to normal. I was with a couple of our mutual friends in ctown and we ran into A. He and one of our friends are in the same class so they decided to study together and he asked me if I wanted to study with them (I'm not in the same class, or any class even remotely similar), and I agreed. We ended up staying up until 3 am, studying (which for me is writing papers) and talking about books and careers. At this point it was past 1 (when I tend to start getting a little loopy) and I started talking passionately about how much I want to be a screenwriter, and I looked over at A, and even though our career paths will likely differ greatly, I could tell that he understood and was impressed by what I was saying (or my clumsy enthusiasm).

And he recommended a book to me, which I bought today. I can't wait to read it over break!

And then our friend started talking about his friend's crazy ex-girlfriend (not cool-crazy like me, he assured me), and I was like, "yeah. Some girls can be really crazy" (referring to C) and A was like, "oh yeah. I know one of them" and I could have sworn that he gave me a quick, conspiratorial look (ie. he was talking about C as well). I could have imagined it, but I'm definitely sensing more and more distance between them.

I'm just glad that things were back to normal between us.

Anyhow, back to what this blog is about:

Because I was so busy with them, I ended up eating 700 calories on my 1100 calorie day (yay!). I found some chocolate in my backpack, so I shared it with them, which made me feel good, made them happy, and kept me at such an awesome number.

And then this morning I weighed in at 104.2 lbs again! Yay!

And then I went to lunch with the friend (A was gonna come but he was on a studying-roll) and then I got some coffee and then I went to a little holiday gethering and we watched Elf and I love Zooey Deschanel and now I'm listening to Christmas music and I'm about to watch Glee and I'm HAPPY. And what surprises me is how happy and hopeful I feel right now (maybe the caffeine rush + holiday cheer + having a good talk with my mom about A?) and that absolutely TERRIFIES me because I feel like extreme highs must always be followed by extreme lows; the universe requires balance.

Geez these posts have been long.

I hope that you guys are doing well! And if finals/ midterms are coming up, GOOD LUCK!

o<] K

P.S. ^^^ It's a Santa hat kind of, right?

disappointment

At least I weighed in at 104.2 this morning... though it's probably merely a result of alcohol-induced dehydration.

Maybe I should stop drinking; A doesn't seem to like me when I've been drinking.

I just feel so stupid. I just wrote a whole post about how I think/ thought he likes me and then I'm at the formal after-party (looking pretty decent, I think, which is HUGE for me) and he's so skiddish and awkward and weird... like a deer caught in the headlights. And it's not like I was hitting on him! I just asked him what he was drinking... and then later we had a quick exchange about kombucha (probably our highlight of the night. lame.) but then there he is in the ctown hangout and I'm wearing another guy's coat (I kinda had a thing for him last year... and still kind of do, but it's nothing like what I have for A, and besides, he has a gf from back home) and A's talking to this girl who just joined (who's the SWEETEST girl in the world. I seriously love her so much and she's planning on living in the house next year which is soooo great... but now also kind of awkward since A's planning on living there too--I just found this out--and C is, of course, whic is really just asking for trouble... WTF IS MY LIFE??? when did I start having drama like this? geez) and they seem like they're really hitting it off and she's a friendly girl in general but sometimes I wonderred if maybe she was flirting... and wondering if maybe HE was flirting too?

At formal, when he walked in the room, I happened to look over his way (I didn't even know he was planning on coming!) when he saw me and he did a double take. No one's ever done that to me before. I thought that maybe it was a good omen for the rest of the night but noooo i guess not. Idk.

My mom's (incredibly sweet, but possible misguided) idea is that he's afraid of his feelings for me. But is that what's indicated in his behavior? I have no idea.

I'm a mess with no guy experiance, really, with anyone BUT A and, kind of, H... and various guys I've had good flirting moments with, so I HAVE NO CLUE.

He drives me crazy. Despite my very pro-self harm genes, I've had very few times when I've felt that urge, but last night and waking up this morning and now, I feel it. I just want him to... idk...stop playing around! And I want him to care about me. I want SOMEONE to realize how hard this guy stuff is for me and how much it's really been messing me up. My best friend, L, from home doesn't even. My mom does kind of. And that's it.

Maybe because I play it cool, but what am I supposed to do? Walk around crying, in a never-ending panic attack? When I DO try to broach the subject people just kind of shrug it off and that was FINE when things seemed to be going FINE and maybe I'm completely over-reacting and all the school-stress from the last couple of weeks has finally caught up with me, mixed with the stress of finals week (next week. hoorah), mixed with my need to just GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE AND BE HOME (even though "home" isn't quite home)...

Why am I such a distaster? When did I become such a fucking mess?

I'm sorry for the rant and the cursing but UGH! I'M SO DONE WITH THIS. I want to be sane again.

I hope you guys are doing better than I am.
-K

Yesterday and today

Hello, everyone! Hello, new followers! I'm honored to have you aboard :)

So... yesterday was Day 3 of my third try at the HSGD, for which I've been weighing myself everyday. On Thursday,  was 107, and then yesterday I was 105.6 which I know can't possibly be right (maybe I'm dehydrated?), but it was just such a relief to see that number starting to approach my normal (acceptable) range.

Then, I went to one class (my last of the semester, THANK GOODNESS!) and then I went to bake some rainbow cakes in jars for the frat I'm in. C wasn't there; A was, and not too many other people, so we got in some quality time. We sat next to each other for a while and were kind of casually making physical contact as we went about our business. (I was going to say "touching each other" but that doesn't seem to be quite right.) Like... my arm would rub against his knee as I stirred and then he'd reach over me to grab a chip (and say something really cute like, "Sorry. I just really needed a chip!" and kind of smile and UGH!), so then I'd reach over him for a spoon or something... It felt like the summer again.

At one point, he was asking me if I eat dinner in the dining hall in my dorm every night for dinner, and I told him that I eat there sometimes, "when I eat dinner" which just kind of came out. Something about him makes me in the mood for honesty. So then he was like, "and the rest of the time you go anorexic?" as a joke.

And I froze because he has no idea. If I were anorexic, I'd be the kind of skinny that I want to be, but my ED is a mix, and I haven't had an anorexic period for 4 years. And I know the way things are now are probably healthier... idk. I could write a whole book on my feelings about this topic, but I guess it's like, "the grass is always greener on the other side."

Anyhow, eventually I said something stupid like, "I... eat lunch" (man, do I eat one hell of a lunch. 700 calories?!?) and grabbed a chip. I mean, it's not like I don't eat anything during dinner hours (I'd be much skinnier if I didn't), but it's not dinner; it's snack-ish. Bananas and cashew butter, etc.

But now that everyone thinks I don't eat dinner, I might as well not. I'm out of food in my room anyway...

And this was my intention, but then I got guilted into hanging out with some people and C was there (yuck) and I got coerced into having dinner with them and felt really guilty because I hadn't wanted to have dinner and the vegetables tasted oily and I wasn't about to screw up the HSGD AGAIN because then I'd just be a failure. So I had a slight panic-attack, ate veggies and fruit and a few beans, and (by my estimation) just hit the caloric mark for the day.

And now, today:

Today we have a ceremony for our new members, which A will be attending, and then tonight we have our formal and afterparty which, rumor has it (aka my friend E) that A will ALSO be attending. Which I feel like I've mentioned, but my short-term memory has been HORRIBLE lately.

Anyhow, these are some of the last few times I'm going to see him this semester (for over a month! grrrrrrr) so I wanna make them count. Also, I really wanna make out with him. I haven't hooked up with anyone since him (sad, I know), and I'm pretty sure he hasn't hooked with anyone since me.

So, I've asked E to, at some point, distract C so that I can actually, maybe, have some time with him. Not that I know what to do with it. Maybe ask him to dance? That's what I did last semester, if you recall, and what, perhaps, kinda kickstarted things between us (which is an inaccurate phrase for it makes it seem as if any sort of "relationship" we have/ have had has moved anything but slothlike...) but I'm afraid. I don't wanna come on too strongly, or pressure him, or be rejected.

Am I hopeless?

I'm gonna go back to sleep now (I hope) and, hopefully, today will go ok.

Have a great weekend, guys!

~K

Blah

I got a scale this morning. I stepped on it post-breakfast burrito and I was 107.7. Ew.

I mean... I guess it's not as bad as it could be. I've been off my wagon for--what? A month? And yesterday I ate 1600 calories.

So I guess it could be much worse, but still. I'm getting to 100 by Christmas. (Is that possible?)

In other news, I won't be eating a lot today because my throat's killing me. I think I'm getting some sort of flu: my limbs feel heavy, my body feels sore, and my skin hurts. The friction of soft cotton against my forearm is actually uncomfortable. Wtf?

And I have to travel today-- planes and layovers, and I don't even get in until after midnight. And then tomorrow's Thanksgiving and the next few days I need to do some hardcore work on a paper while, somehow, having bonding time with the fam. I can't afford to be sick!!!

Blah.

I hope you guys are all doing well, and if you're celebrating tomorrow, have a happy Thanksgiving and try not to stress out too much! You've probably been doing really well, in which case one day can't do much harm. Good luck!

-K

Fail

This morning people brought marzipan to my French class. I love marzipan; I ate some.

Then my friends were going for coffee. I got a small, black decaf. But still.

Why do I fail so hard? And before noon!

I hate this. I've let down Bones and I've let down myself. In the few days leading up to thanksgiving, I should be preparing. You know... Just in case.

I've been eating way too much lately and it needs to stop. How do I make it stop?

raw food weekend: update

Sooo, it's Sunday night. Besides a glass of wine last night (I was at a wine and cheese thing and felt awkward and when I feel awkward, I enjoy alcohol...), I've been raw all weekend.

I feel like I'm going to explode. Today was one big fruit and nut binge, which I guess is better than eating a shitload of snackfood but still. It's not ok. Luckily, I'm finished with all the nuts, so maybe I'll extend this through tomorrow and just try to eat fruit...? Le sigh. I used to be decent at losing weight.

I guess I've been stressed out lately about the whole C and A thing. C asked me to coffee yesterday so we could chat. She talked about how she was a huge bitch and I sat there and said nothing because she was and because she doesn't seem to realize how not ok it is to be that deluded... especially for someone so histrionic. It's a toxic combination and I have enough toxicity in my life.

She kept me there talking for an hour, and we slowly built back up some sort of rapport because we're going to be working together next semester and we do see each other a lot at events for our organization. At the wine and cheese thing, I was thinking about how (surprisingly) relieved I felt, and then I realized that she was following A around. Again.

I was talking to him, too. We were actually having one of the first normal (for us, which means kind of awkward... but cute) conversations we've had since the summer and then- BAM! There she is, by his side, poking at him or tapping him on the shoulder or whining at him. I don't even know.

This happens every time. She seriously has become his stalker. It's gross.

And what's even more gross is that despite what she said when we (she) had coffee, I think that she DOES think that something's going to happen between them-- that it will if she tries hard enough, or that it's inevitable, or some shit like that. I think she thinks that deep down he has feelings for her. But you know what? Ever since I've cut ties with her and she's really begun to embrace that crazy-bitch role, he's been reaching out to me and being, well, flirty again. Like... we're approaching the point we were at in the summer.

At the party, this guy friend of mine wanted to pick me up (he'd just picked A up haha), and then A said something about wanting to pick up someone, so I volunteered myself. He picked me up and walked into the foyer; he held me while we said goodbye to some people who were leaving (which took some time), and then brought me back to the dining room and we kind of smiled at each other. It was nice. I had my arms around his neck and it just felt... comfortable. Natural. Like my body remembered his.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury (I've been reading a lot of Nabokov), I still have feelings for A; I want to make that clear. Maybe I shouldn't, I don't know, but I think that he might be interested too. And maybe it's just wishful thinking, but the last time I thought this, I was right. And this would surely explain this sudden effort (though he tends to fumble-- which I find cute, but very confusing) he's been making with me.

Maybe he took one look at new, crazier C and realized that a lot of the "options" out there, well, aren't.

I guess we'll have to wait and see.

-K

raw food weekend!

Bones and I are doing a raw food fast this weekend starting at midnight. I've been interested in going raw for a while now, so this should be a good trial run.

I've been reading a lot of articles online claiming that raw foodism clears skin, aids in weight loss, adds energy, etc. which sound awesome, but I remember reading similar things about veganism, and the results really aren't that dramatic. So who knows.

But yeah. I'm super excited! I'm gonna go grocery shopping tomorrow and but TONS of fruit and whatever else I can find and it's gonna be awesome!

Tonight. Midnight. Join in if you'd like.

:) K

bleh

Yesterday I had 1300 cal. That was NOT the plan.

Today I've had 650 and I'm pretty full, so maybe I just won't eat anything else. That'll help make up for yesterday.

My stomach looks weird. I think I need to get a scale but I'm afraid. What if I've gained a shitload of weight?

Bleh. I hate food. I want to stop buying it.

I need to stop eating so much. This isn't ok. Last night I felt sick. Ugh. Maybe this weekend I'll try to just eat raw foods or fruit or something to detox...

Happy Friday, everyone!

-K

Day 2: HSGD take 2!

Somehow, after being successful for a whole week, I convinced myself to stop last time ("It's unhealthy!" "You're fine!" blah blah blah).

Why do I always pull shit like that? I mean, I'm really not looking too good nowadays and I have a formal coming up in 2 weeks. Bleh.

So this time I'm completing this. If I know I'm gonna go over, I start saving up calories. That's what's gonne happen.

Also, I know I keep saying that I'm gonna catch up with all of you guys and then I don't so I'm really sorry! This year has just been really hectic so far, but the semester's almost over (yay!) and then I'll have 5 weeks to get back on the blogger track!

:) K

HSGD: Day 1

So I've decided to do the Heathy Skinny Girl Diet because I felt disgusting this weekend. I was (and still am, sadly) bloated, granted, but it was embarassing. I saw a lot of people I hadn't seen in a while too.

Also, there's a dinner this weekend that I want to look fab for, and then a party next week. And if I could look decent by tomorrow to hopefully go out, that would be nice too, though unlikely.

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ljfy9mlFDS1qho2pmo1_500.png

^^^ That's the link if you're unfamiliar w/ HSGD is. I was until I saw that a few people on here are doing it and decided to look it up.

It looks much more managable than the SGD which I've never even attempted. In fact, today I'm 100 under my limit! Yay!

I'll be so proud of myself once I've kept this up for all 30 days! (<-- positive thinking)

Are any of you on this/ have done it?

-K

Terrible Person (like the Rooney song)

C jumped the gun on this one; she and A appear to be nowhere near being together.

Now, I don't think this is me in denial; it's me looking at the facts: he was drunk (DRUNK!) and held her hand (THAT'S IT!) one time (ONE TIME!). I mean, really?

And she thinks that'll amount to anything?

Please. I got WAY further than that, so she needs to calm down.

Also, she's looking for a relationship; he's looking for sex. She's not gonna give him that without a relationship.

IF they attempted anything, it would be a hot mess. And maybe I'm being a bad friend for saying this, but I'm glad. And I'm glad that he's started showing a bit more interest in me because if I could score him now that she's interested... that's bad. I sound like one of those petty girls that I hate but it's true and I need to tell someone!

I'm just so done with C. I feel so much better (and so much less stressed!) now that we aren't friends anymore.

Moving on...

I'm going to start losing weight again. I accidentally left my scale at the house over the summer and the guy I subletted from is acting weird and seems intent on keeping it. (Whatever.) So I'm going to buy a new one. This weekend.

And I'm going to get down to the 90s before the end of the semester.

I'm meeting someone for lunch now so I've gotta go, but this feels good. I'm going to be here more often.
-K

Two months, too long

I resent college for making me so crazy that I haven't been on here for two months. Not getting to interact with anyone who knows about/ understands this side of me is emotionally exhausting, and frankly, makes me feel like I'm quickly approaching crazy.

Nice ego boost, eh?

I need to go to sleep and I've had an absolutely dreadful day, so the quicker it ends, the better. Two highlights:

The good- I'd been having more and more slip-ups lately, but I got weighed today at the clinic (bloated AND wearing heavy-ish clothes since it was cold-- 4 lbs, maybe? idk) and I was 106 lbs. I'm pretty sure I was 107 the last time they weighed me. So that's something.

The bad- Remember how C was trying to get me together with A? Well, apparently he has shown interest in her since last month and now she likes him. She told me this and I cried outside of the library and people stared.

I was nice about it-- very classy-- but inside I'm crushed and the thought of them liking each other makes me nauseas. It makes me want to dig my nails into my skin and rip myself out.

And take a leave-of-absense from school. That too.

But I won't do either of these things.  I don't know what I'm going to do...

Anyhow, I've missed you guys. Hopefully, this is the beginning of some semi-regular blogging! And I need to catch up on your blogs. I hope you've been happy and are doing fantastically!

Take care,
K

It's finally here!

As promised, thinspo for my amazing followers!!! :)

So, I woke up today and there was a not on the table from A. Something about his drunk friend ripping a magazine...

Whatever. Thing is, I didn't know he was back; I didn't even think he'd BE back, but obviously he was... and maybe still IS, but I don't know. I haven't seen him today. Which is good because I look like crap.

But when I got to the bottom of that note and saw his name there, I felt better... like my life was less empty. (A sensation probably caused by the fact that I haven't had a decent conversation in DAYS since everyone in the house is either gone, at work most of the day, or shut in their rooms doing who-knows-what. I miss how it used to be)

Anyhow, I'm not going to weight myself until the weekend due to bloating. I feel like beinging SOOO badly, and a sub-optimal weight wouldn't help matters. I need to know/ tell myself that I'm still descending, that I'm still on track...

People are starting to move back for the semester, so I need to make sure I'm at the top of my game!

I hope you all are well, and welcome new follower!!! :)

-K

tumblr

Any of you have one? I just got one.

http://katnotjas.tumblr.com/

-K

breaking/ broken news

So, remember when I told you about my friend L coming to visit? Well, she did! And it awesome. I got to show her around; she loves the campus and got along really well with my housemates.

And you know what else? She got A to loosen up around me. Perhaps by relaying so many stories from my past that I was no longer very mysterious at all, but quirky-cool? Maybe.

(That's how I like to think of myself, anyway. That is, when I'm having one of my happy-with-myself days.)

So last night:

L decided to take a bus home reeeally early this morning, so we decided we might as well see if we can just stay up. So we're sitting in the living room, watching TV, and A comes in and hangs with us. Then he decides that we're gonna take shots so he goes to get the supplies (including my shot glass that had been chilling in his room since the roof night, which he uses to take his shots with-- as if the boundaries are slowly crumbling, but in the best possible way).

So we have a round. As you know, I'm the lightest of all lightweights and after a few minutes I'm totally feeling it.

A few minutes later, A decides it's time for another round and pours us some more.

At that point, A and I are alone on this couch in the corner, and L and various housemates are on the other couches celebrating the end of classes, projects, internships, etc. We're watching TV and talking. I'm kind of leaning against A, my hand on his arm, and having a terrific time.

Then, we have another round. People start emptying out to get some sleep. I'm kind of... stroking A's bicep (??? lmao) and he has his hand on my knee.

Then L and A have another shot (L is totally FINE by the way... loose maybe, but not tipsy) and I have half of one. My hand wanders around near A's neck and I've got my head/ chin kind of propped on his shoulder and he's playing with the hem of my dress.

We're talking kind of softly to each other about the weird-ass commercials and what we think's going on in the TV show and I'm making it a point to make as much eye-contact with him as possible.

And then suddenly his face is turning and then we're kissing, like I'd imagined so many times before. (Thankfully, I'm too drunk-ish to be nervous, since I really have very little knowledge of this sort.) We pause for a few moments and then resume.

Then, he suggests we go into my room to try on sunglasses (kind of our thing). We're looking at them, and the next thing I know, he's closing the door and we're kissing more and he's lowering my down onto my bed.

And this is a new experiance for me; I don't want to stop it because I'm just so damn curious to see what's going to happen next.

I'll skip the details. I'm still a virgin, but he proves quite smooth, and by the end I'm, well, not wearing clothes.

Also, a new experiance for me.

So, we're lying on my bed, looking up at the ceiling. I'd asked why he's never asked me out. He tells me that he isn't looking for anything serious.

Which, I think, I knew as soon as I began walking toward my room. Or maybe before: maybe after he started kissing me the second time.

I don't know, but it doesn't come as a shock. (Maybe because deep down I feel like I'm never going to have a real relationship with someone I'm actually into.)

He says it's because he works crazy-hard (which is true), and I say I understand, because, intellectually, I do. I tell him that I wish it were different, that he didn't have to work that hard. He tells me it's something that he can't change because he's secretly crazy which "no one really knows."

I tell him I get that too, because I do.

He's suspected that I wanted something more. He says he's probably a jerk for doing that right before he leaves. I tell him he's not, because he's just so... genuine about all of this, and that I wish he didn't have to go. He says he wishes the same thing.

And then my brain starts wildly re-calculating, trying to figure out if it's possible that this was what he was after all along. So I ask him if that's why he danced with me at that after-party that I hold so dear to my heart.

And that's when he admits that he'd been pretty drunk and didn't really know what he was doing... which he says he realizes must sound really bad.

I let out a soft "sh!t."

Then I ask him if it has anything to do with the fact that we're in this organization together. He says kind of.

I let out a soft "f*ck," and try to nervously laugh out some of the tension I feel building within me.

"I really like you, too," I say.  "Sh!t."

We lie in silence for a while. Then we get dressed, he goes up to sleep and I return to L.

***

Now, after hardly sleeping at all and waking up in a cold sweat (and, miraculously, not AT ALL hungover), I'm probably not in the best shape to be sifting through last night's events... but analysis is simply my nature. So, I've come up with a few explanations:

1. Taking shots was to make it easier to "get in my pants"
2. Or, it was for him, so that he'd have a little extra confidence with which to make a move (would also account for why he did it on his last night here, for if it went wrong, he would be able to avoid me for at least a couple of weeks)
3. Of, I suppose, he could have simply wanted to drink and the rest happened on its own accord

And a few interpretations of what he was trying to say to me (though we both weren't at out best and I don't remember everything, so this could prove to be entirely speculative):

1. That hooking up was a one-time thing and he wants to go back to being friends because of complications it could cause
2. He's interested in a fwb-type situation
3. That he's afraid of starting a relationship
4. That he was attracted to me and wanted to get it out of his system
5. That he doesn't even really like me, but made a mistake and was trying to let me down easily
6. Some combo of 1, 4, and 5
7. That he's just as confused as I am

And a few possible next steps:

1. Text him something like, "last night was fun" and give fwb a try
2. Wait until he's back from his vacation or until school starts and ask if he wants to hang out
3. * and try talking this out in person (and completely sober)
4. Don't do anything/ wait it out

If anyone has ANY ADVICE AT ALL of simply feels like voting for any of these options, please do, because I've never been involved in anything like this before and both L and E (the one who tried to set us up) are at a loss and I REALLY don't want to go there with my mom. (Too awkward.)

I've never experianced so much confusion caused by such a short period of time. Life is really strange/ miraculous, isn't it?

Now, I'm off to FINALLY catch up on all your wonderful blogs! I hope your days have been much less dramatic/ confusing than mine!

-K

welcome to my neuroses

hey, guys! sorry i've been gone. i was on a thinspo binge (i've collected A LOT... and, of course, i will slowly share it with you!) and then i was summoned to my mother's abode to attend my grandpa's funeral. and then i felt guilty because i wasn't that sad because i didn't really know him.. and then i felt guilty about feeling guilty because i don't think he would have wanted that. and then i felt guilty about feeling guilty about feeling guilty because that's just stupid/ a waste of time.

i weighed myself right when i got there and i was 100.2. on the scale that said i was 106 at the beginning of the summer.

but something about just being there makes me gain. i definitely didn't eat badly.. simply ok, but i'm probably back at 102. (i look puffier, at least.)

i got back yesterday, and i definitely look better today, though, which is good. and today my friend is coming up to visit me which is AWESOME.. but i kind of want some alone time with A (i missed him SOOO much. i swear, as soon as i left, i was like "bleh!!!"), and now i feel guilty for that.

so now i'm guilty x4.. plus one more guilty for just writing about my grandpa in this post like it's nbd.

blahhh.

new followers, i'm not usually this un-fun. I SWEAR.

anyhow, i'm way, way behind on your blogs! in a few days, my friend will be gone and i will catch up. pinky promise.

-K

101.2 and more photos

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!! I literally stepped on the scale and was like whaaa? And it took me a few seconds to realize that it was/ is a very good thing.

Less than 2 lbs 'til I'm back in the double digits! That's INSANE.

I CANNOT screw this up.

It's really, really hot here so I'm feeling pretty sluggish so how about we just move on to some photos?

Question: What do you think it means when a guy is more shy around you than other people?

Also, hellooo new followers!!! Welcome, welcome! <3

:) K

we're back!

First off, I just wanna say that YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME!!! Seriously. And now there are 2 more of you than when I last posted which is AWESOME and I'm just so glad that you guys are following and commenting and just being really cool cats. ;)

Sorry. Had to get a little gush-y for a second.

Now... A and I are back in action! Which I was really excited about and grateful for yesterday when I first saw him since Saturday and we talked normally... and today I'm still happy (because whenever we're having a good convo I'm happy!), but beginning to grow impatient again.

That seems to be what I do. Even if something is good, if it isn't good enough it needs to change. But usually when I try to change it, I just screw things up. (This applies to my eating as well.)

I have begun to realize, though, that when I'm at a good place anxiety and/ or depression-wise, this perfectionism becomes easier to control... and then I end up screwing up things much less. Ironic.

But I am an ironic person.

Anyhow, now that I'm done analyzing myself... that's what's up. I'm feeling all, I wanna beee with youuu. Which is totally gross... but totally true. I'm feeling sooo past talking in the kitchen with various third people always present.

I wanna go out, man! Out on the town! Have an actual reason to put on a dress kind of out. 


I hope he didn't mean it when he was all ehhh about dating someone in our organization. I hope he was just following J's lead...

And now my mind travels back in time to the after-party. It always seems to end up there... the beginning and the end.

Anyhow, I SHOULDN'T be impatient. I've began volunteering, so hopefully that will keep me sane(r)... otherwise, I'll have to give meditation or something a go or I will go INSANE... and/ or screw things up irreversibly this time.

I'm going to end this now, for these posts have become ridiculously long. Thinspo post to follow.

-K

Question remembered:

Have any of you ever done a (colon) cleanse?

I wanna try one before the summer's over, and I'm looking for suggestions!

(My body thanks you.)

:) K

Photo update: July 2011

I think I should do one of these every month, to keep track, etc.

Yep. That's me.

GAHHH! I had a question to ask you guys, but I forgot it. Maybe I'll write a little and see if I can remember it. I think it had something to do with grapes...

The A Thing:

So I didn't see him AT ALL yesterday (go me?), so I had some time to do some (over)analyzing. This is what I've come up with: he's acting weird because

1. he was interested, but my being a virgin freaked him out
2. " but my coming on so strongly(ish) freaked him out
3. " but he didn't appreciate hearing me insulting him loudly through the open kitchen window
4. " but my general awkwardness made him lose interest
5. any combo of #s 1-4
6. he never liked me, so it matters not

BUT I COULD HAVE SWORN HE DID!!! Arggg!

I mean, I guess he was SLIGHTLY snappish in general on Friday, so it is SLIGHTLY possible that he was just in a bad mood... but then again, it's possible that I, Kat not Jas, put him in that bad mood in the first place...

Oh, hey! And we got in trouble for being (and drinking) on the roof because the guy who kicked us off decided to be a little b!tch and tattle on us to the house director BEFORE even talking to us.

So yesterday I wake up from a relaxing nap to this little gem of an email:

A, J, Kat not Jas:

I am VERY disappointed about what happened a few nights ago. It was completely inappropriate and frankly it was rude and disrespectful. You know the house rules and have common sense. I didn't think it needed to be spelled out for you that the fire escapes are only to be used in emergencies, i.e. things like, you know, escaping fires. They are not there for recreational purposes, and A, there is a responsibility in having a room with a fire escape that I would have thought you could be counted on to handle. It's a shame all of you weren't more mature. Including you, J, an older Brother. 

This blatant disregard for the house, city, and landlord's rules, and disrespect for your House Manager and Brother, whose absence you clearly took advantage of, is extremely insulting. Not only that, but you were thoughtless and it's almost a slap in the face to all your Brothers in [our organization]. You all know that the previous long term renter's of our house put it on a police watch list due to reckless behavior. That is one of the reasons why, as you all also know, there is no drinking outside the house, like on the porch. Let alone on the roof. If the police had seen you, or our landlord had found out, can you not imagine any potential consequences? Does that seem like the kind of problem a landlord cares to have to deal with of their tenants, especially in a town when there is no shortage of demand so there would surely be hardly a difficulty in finding other tenants? You are looked at as [our organization]. It is [our organization] who rents the house, not individuals. So the actions of the individuals in the house reflect as [our organization] to our landlord. It is the actions of the individuals who effect the relationship with the landlord and the renewing of our lease each year so that [our organization] continues to have a house.

All of this in addition to the obvious fact that it was dangerous, especially while drinking, and any of you could have easily gotten hurt. All it would have taken was one slip of your footing. 

It has also not been lost on me that you may have initially tried to ignore, feign ignorance of, or avoid responsibility in regards to [little b!tch who told on us] finding you there and his response. I hope that this further disrespect of another Brother is not true. And I expect no ill will from any of you towards him in the future as a reaction to his actions about this. 

I hope that I can trust that there won't be more behavior like this from the three of you.

Yeeeah.

Ok, it wasn't the best idea that we ever had, but there's A LOT of sh!t wrong with this. Like, for instance, hr assumption that I was aware of any house rules. Ummm... no? I heard that the room was opening up, I fb messaged the guy, we decided on a price, and he told me what day to come.

That's it. C'est tout.

So no, I'm NOT feigning ignorance, thank you very much. Maybe I should have assumed that the roof was off-limits, but EVERYONE who has a roof like ours in this town chills on it.

Also, I love how she talks about drinking outside being a non-no when that's EXACTLY what the guy who found us did on his bday. Should I email her and tell her that HE wasn't obeying the rules? No. Because I'm not five!

But I think my favorite part is that she seems to believe that this involved some forethought-- that we waited til the House Manager was gone AND THEN went on the roof. F*ck no. We would have gone anyway because none of us remember/ know the rules and because it was a completely spur of the moment thing.

I'm just really angry, and frankly disappointed, that the guy who found us didn't at least wait until the morning and talk to us first. When he said he'd sent an email, I thought he'd sent just a general reconstruction of what happened so that she could send out a general email to everyone (which she did 5 hours she sent this gem to us) to tell us not to do this.

But, no. He goes and names names.

If he was TRULY only worried about our safety, why would he HAVE to do this? Now we're all pissed  and in bad standing with the house director, so thanks. Next semester's gonna be fun.

Again, it was NOT the smartest move, but it's summer and we attend one of the most intense and stressful colleges in the country and we wanted to have fun and do something just a teensy bit out there. We didn't mean any harm.

Ugh, guys. I'm sorry I keep dumping all this stuff on you guys! This can't be fun to read. Hopefully things will start looking up...

And I still can't remember what I was gonna ask you. :'(

Hey! Here's a good thing: all this stress has triggered some of my stomach issues and made me not hungry. So I've been eating about 800 cal... and I'm pretty much force-feeding myself because I'm paranoid that my metabolism is gonna shut down and I'll end up gaining weight in a few weeks...

So, yeah. That's my story!

How are you guys?

-K

ps. Welcome, new followers!!! I can't believe there are over 70 of you! That's crazy! Love you all <3

Too much

I just saw A pulling out of the driveway, a girl in the passenger seat.

And she isn't me.

Do you ever ask yourself how the hell it is that you got to a certain point, only to look back and say, "oh yeah." That's me right now.

You see, things were going pretty well: we were slowly moving forward-- ie. having actual conversations. And then, as you know, I started to get impatient, because that's what I do when things are going well. I want them to be going even BETTER, and start speeding up and taking shortcuts... and eventually ending up worse off than when I started. (I think that's what happens with my weightloss, too.)

So, Tuesday night we went mini-golfing with 2 of our friends/ housemates, one of whom is a female, J. I really like J. She's loads of fun, and she's a year older than me so she's great to go to for advice. I didn't, however, like seeing A flirting with J. I mean, it's not like it was really obvious or anything; we were all just kind of goofing off, but I'm a jealous person, and I'd never seen him flirt with anyone before. I didn't even know that he could! With me, he was all shy, but with her he seemed confortable. So that was a bit of a downer.

Then, Wednesday comes. J and I are in the kitchen at like 11 pm hanging out and laughing like we usually do (I really do like this girl. She's sweet, but she can also be visciously funny!), and A comes in. So the 3 of us are chatting for a few minutes and then he asks us if we want to go on the roof (his room has access). Obviously, we're like f*ck yeah! (I swear, this girl brings out this fun, wild side of me that I never knew was there and now never want to part with.) So, we grab some alcohol and some glasses and head up...

THE ROOF STORY:

It's pretty damn eventful, so I won't include everything. (Not that I could, as some of it has slipped my mind...)

Anyhow, we climb onto the roof, sit on a tarp, and start drinking. They have regular glasses and both only fill it up once, and I have a shot glass, which I fill up 3 times. (Which is a mistake because I'm a super lightweight, but it was just one of those nights when I wanted to get drunk, because I wanted to feel comfortable and loose, and I don't drink often, so I thought I deserved it.)

So we're sitting and talking and then we're lying down and talking and then we get cold so the three of us are lying under a blanket (the thing completely covering us) talking. And as time goes by, they get looser, and I get somewhat drunk.

A's in the middle, and first a start kind of stroking his hair and then J and I are resting our heads on his shoulders, and at various points I'm either holding his hand, running my fingers down his chest, or rubbing his jaw. (Yep.)

Anyhow, we, being horny college kids, of course end up talking about sex and hooking up and I learn a lot of very interesting things, but these really stand out:

• A wanted to watch J and I hookup/ was interested in having a threesome with us (which, frankly, surprised the crap out of me-- not that he wanted it, but that he was admitting it, because he's usually ridiculously quiet)
• A isn't a virgin (which at first disappointed me, but now I kind of like it)
• he's iffy about dating someone in the organization we're all in, but he would totally hook up
• he thinks (says) that J and I are 2 of the most attractive girls in the organization

Now, of course, it wasn't just him talking; there was some back-and-forth. So here are some gems that I divulged:

• I'm a virgin who's ready to burst
• I think his older brother (also in the organization, though I haven't met him yet) is hot
• I think A's the most attractive person in the organization
• I don't think I'm very pretty (which guys obviously LOVE to hear. not.)
• and I'm pretty sure I hinted not so discreetly that I want to have sex with him

Yeah.

Now, I'm sure this will be HILARIOUS in time, but it's a bit too fresh now.

That isn't all though! The person whose room we were lounging in front of made us leave, and I was really dizzy so A had to HELP me up to his window (and guys LOVE drunk girls. not.) and then A and J held my hands all the way downstairs to my room and then they tucked me into bed.

Yep. Like they're my freakin' parents.

I got up a few minutes later to go to the bathroom and heard A talking in J's room, but on the way back, he was gone. (I don't know what this means, but it makes me paranoid.)

END OF ROOF STORY

The next morning: I see A when we're having breakfast and I apologize for being awkward the night before (according to my friend, I was supposed to pretend nothing had happened. go me.), and then tell him that if there's a next time we're on the roof together I promise not to molest him (I think I actually used that word too. what a winner).

Then we have our own days, blah blah. J tells me not to worry, that I didn't do anything too embarassing and that tucking me in was "cute," but she's nice so I'm not sure if I believe her... But A comes home and we're all in the kitchen talking and joking around like always, and I swear that when we're standing next to each other and he looks at me, his eyes are sparkling. (pupil dilation? that would be most welcome!)

Then A's supposed to come with the group I'm going with to the HP midnight showing, and we got tickets for a separate theatre. He backs out last minute since he has work the next morning and I try to act cool but I think it was obvious that I'm upset. Then, as we're driving away, I ask loudly why A is "being such a douche" and then realize the window of the car and the room he was just in are open. (aweeesome.)

The next day: It's our friend's bday, so we're going to a dinner for him. I'm nervous about seeing A because I fear he might have heard me not-so-nice exclamation and/ or be freaked out by the fact that I'd really wanted him to come. He texts me around 6 asking a question about gifts, so I think that maybe we're cool, but when he gets to the restaurant, it's pretty obvious that we're not. We sit next to each other and he can hardly look at me or talk to me (and I'm having a similar problem). I mean, we manage a few short but flirty-ish exchanges, but the whole thing is just so awkward.

A few hours later, we head out to a party. We're standing on the porch talking to separate people (I'm talking to a guy and debating about anthropology and A seems to be glancing at me), and then they leave. So I step over to him and start a convo and it's still pretty awkward, but alright, and we have a few more flirty exchanges, but it's obvious that he's uncomfortable (and I am too, since he is).

Then we all go to play Kings and he leaves. As I'm walking back with a guy from the house, I notice his light is on, and consider going up under the pretense of getting my shotglass back, but decide against it.

So, right now I'm giving him space, at the sage advice of my friend, because he's probably (rightfully) kind of freaked out right now. I saw him briefly this afternoon. He was heading out the door with some friends and saw each other and waved at the same time. Very casual. Casual cool. Etc.

And I'm gonna stick with it, because now is the time when damage control, I think (hope), is possible. And because he's such a nice guy and doesn't deserve to be freaked out.

But still, seeing him in that car with that girl (even though I think/ hope she's just a friend) hurts, because I'm worried that by coming to ctown and acting like a freak I've ruined any chance I ever had of being that girl driving in the car with him.

:'(

103.2

Thank goodness. Really. I think taking the vitamin C and alternating between drinking yerba mate and green tea in the morning is helping. (knock on wood!)

To keep from getting discouraged, I've decided to only weigh myself once a week, after a good day (calorie-wise) and a good sleep.

Now I've got about 40 days and 4 pounds to lose. I NEED TO DO THIS!

Any tips?

Has anyone seen Harry Potter? I went last night at midnight and it was FANTASTIC! I don't cry during movies (except Toy Story 3), but I cried several times during it.

And at the end I was bawling!

Crazy, crazy night.

Also, I believe I have a new follower. Welcome, welcome!!! :)

-K

phone call

So yesterday I was talking to madre, and she was getting kind of frustrated because I was being kind of vague about my plans to visit and so it just kind of slipped out: I told her about A. I didn't intend to, but at the same time I wanted her to know. I mean, my mom's pretty awesome. She's like a friend to me.

So of course she immediately understood. And I was feeling pretty good. And then she had to go all parental and told me to "be safe."

First off, we're nowhere NEAR that point. We haven't even been on a date. We, like, just figured out how to somewhat-flirt with each other.

And second, I SOOO do not want to talk to her about that. Ever. She's cool and I'll talk to her about my relationships, but never about THAT.

(Sidenote: I was at the campus health center this morning and I DID pick up a couple of complimentary condoms. Just in case. Boy is my mom good at getting into my head!)

^^^ huh. These actually kind of work as a collection.

Anyway, then our convo ended up heading in another direction: to H. She knows him somewhat because she's met him on multiple occasions, and she just gets people like him.

Anyhow, she started talking about how he was smitten with me and how she'd been able to tell from the start.

And how when I called him on it in a poem I wrote and read at a rather large gathering, he was embarassed but it made him even more interested.

And she's not a bullsh*tter.

So, in way, this kind of made my life. I mean, it was nice to get some confirmation that I'm NOT crazy, and that this thing-- whatever it was/ is-- was, indeed, two-sided. And that such a handsome and wonderful guy could have interest in me.

But I also wish I'd known this before-- when he was somewat available. I was too young, that's true, but what if I could have done something?

I'm glad we had that conversation, though. I'm glad I know.

And now I have A to work on. Good ol' age-appropriate A, with whom I'M smitten. With whom I'm seeing a movie tomorrow (even though it's not a date), and who, in his shy, little way, has expressed interest. I think. (Though obviously I was underestimating H's interest. I always assumed he just thought I was kind of cute and pretty interesting.)

Gosh, I'm nervous.

He's leaving on a short trip in a couple of weeks, so I wanna make a move. And since I've become a somewhat impatient person, I want to make a move NOW. (aka either tomorrow at/ before the movie or Friday when we're supposedly gonna be drinking)

ANY TIPS???

I really, really like him. I mean, I think I'll always have SOME feelings for H, and if in the future we're ever both single...

But he's no longer the priority. And that, I think, makes all the difference.

-K