Thursday, August 29, 2013

(btw I think I probably was just being paranoid)

Quick update:

Weighed myself this morning because I had a good feeling and... 110! First goal weight reached!

I was especially glad because things are really confusing with A... and I noticed that there's a HUGE difference in my mood when things are going well vs. iffily (I just made that word up, I think)... ie. I get super depressed during those moments when I feel certain that it isn't going to work out. Which I know is bad... my mood should be more stable and not depend so much on the actions of someone else, but that's how it's been. No wonder I felt like crap so much last semester...

Anyhow, happy Thursday, all!

Sunday, August 18, 2013

I might just be paranoid...

Have you ever suspected that someone you know found your blog? Because I think maybe that's happening to me.

The person in question has no blog and no profile picture, and the only person this person was following was me. All of which, of course, are totally fine on their own, but together...

I'm probably just being paranoid, but I got a weird vibe and I blocked the person as a safety precaution but now I feel bad. Blah.


Also, to those of you who commented on my last post, thank you so much! I'm still trying to decide what to do/ whether or not I should do anything at all, so I really really appreciate the input because I'm HORRIBLE at this stuff.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Are any of you good (or even just adequate will do) with guys?

So this past almost week has been really nice. A and I have been hanging out a lot (sometimes with others and sometimes alone). Some highlights:

  1. having dinner out together (just us) at 3:30 pm
  2. him inviting me to come exploring with one of his friends and him
  3. drinking and watching a movie (again, just us) until 4 am
I just can't tell if he just likes me as a person or as more. Either is extremely flattering, but I, of course, hope it's the latter.

But I'm afraid because people are starting to slowly trickle back into town (and into the house) and it won't be as easy to spend time alone anymore. Like, now it just happens. We'll make plans and it will just be us... and I'm not sure whether that's intentional on his end or whether it's due to the fact that there aren't too too many other people around.

I guess I'm afraid of the truth. Or what I fear will be the truth, which is that he sees me just as a friend.

And I fear that people will come back and he'll feel content to just hang out with me sometimes with other friends. And don't get me wrong; that's fun too. But I really do value our time alone, when we just get to talk. When we're just talking easily it's so... NICE, and we just seem to click (which I'm sure I've already said at some point).

My friend D thinks I should just tell him how I feel or ask him out or something. But that's so forward for me; even when I'm piss drunk I feel too self-conscious to get the words out.

So how the hell did I do it 2 years ago? How did I loosen up enough that one night to show him I was interested? I can tell you it wasn't quantity... I think I'm just terrified now. Maybe because I saw what happened last time (the awkwardness) or because I remember how painful it is to feel rejected. I shouldn't necessarily continue to let that stop me; I think that's what has been stopping me thus far.

I need help. Please.

I think we're going to drink tomorrow (I'm not sure if alone or with other people) and maybe hang out a little bit tomorrow during the day (?). Should I do something or say something? (Not a grand gesture or anything... just a small signal or something?) Or should I just wait it out and see how it goes?

I hate making decisions. I wish I had someone who'd just make them all for me. Maybe.

Saturday, August 10, 2013

I'm sitting at the airport, waiting for my first flight, and I feel like I'm making a mistake. I feel like I shouldn't be rushing back to school-- that I should be spending more time with my family. My mom said that if I'm not feeling it/ things with A don't go well, I can come back. I hope it doesn't come to that (and I can't think of a situation in which I wouldn't be able to just stick it out... wait, yes I could: if the girl comes back and resumes things; that would suck), but it's nice to have the option.

I feel fairly large today... probably because I had a bit of sugar yesterday. But I've done pretty well this last week and a half; I need to remember that. I'm probably just temporaily bloated or something.

I'm mad tired (ran out of my fatigue meds... boo).

I hope A and I do end up going out or hanging out tonight. I wonder who else is at the house. (Hopefully, no one!) Maybe I'll text my friend. I didn't want to get hung up on it earlier this week, but I should probably know what I'm getting into... you know, so that I can be mentally prepared.

This is probably all terribly uninteresting. I apologize. I want to post thinspo, but I'm paranoid that someone will see...

Screw it.

The woman behind me probably saw, but she was loudly talking about menopause a few minutes ago so whatever.

I'm going to be in Philly for 3 hours; if there's internet, I'll probably post again.

Thursday, August 8, 2013


Against my better judgement, I weighed myself this morning after some coffee and strawberries.


THANK GOODNESS. (I never thought I'd be relieved to see this number...) I'm almost to my first gw which is where I want to be by the time the semester starts (though if I'm under it, I obviously wouldn't complain!).

Back at school, my house has no air conditioning= I will hopefully sweat off at least a couple of pounds in the 3ish weeks I'll have before class. AND I need to clean my room= lots of moving and more sweat= more weight lost (hopefully). As long as I can keep my eating and drinking in check... but I tend to not feel very hungry when I'm living in what is basically a sauna.

I'm feeling ok today. :)

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

let's talk about A

So I just realized that my last post was probably an incoherent mess, so I'm going to expand here on something (someone) that's (who's) important to me right now:


That sounds bad... and is also misleading because I have PLENTY of other things on my plate (like writing a thesis, finding a job/ applying to grad school, finishing up some last-minute requirements so that I can graduate in the spring, freaking out because I'm graduating this spring,...) but he's been someone important in my life for a while.

A quick refresher: we hooked up almost two years ago after knowing each other for a couple of months. He didn't want a relationship; I thought I did. Cool. It was weird for a bit, and then we slowly (SLOWLY) started to become pretty good friends.

Meanwhile, about two semesters later--this part winter-ish--he started hooking up someone else (a mutual 'friend'). I wasn't too pleased about this, and I think that's why I started liking that other guy last semester. They became somewhat official (which everyone--not just me--found really weird because they don't go together at all or seem to particularly like each other...?), and at the same time, the girl was becoming fairly good friends with the guy I was crushing on, and (as I recently found out from when we spent a day together this summer) he liked her but she obviously wasn't in a position to return his feelings (though she hinted that she DID have some interest in him and perhaps still does...).

Then the summer came. She and I were in the city; he stayed at school. She got busy with her job, and he called a break because (according to her) she wasn't calling him enough. BUT guess who she was skyping with on a fairly regular basis? The guy I decided I had a crush on last semester! (Like, girl, you need to sort out your priorities.)

And she told me all of this when we were hanging out! Like, we're not great friends or anything, so I wouldn't have expected her to reveal so much. She also made a point, a few times, to point out how compatible A and I are as people or whatever. Like, she'd be like: "Oh, A likes that kind of food too. You guys have really similar food preferences..." and stuff like that. And she said it almost as if she hadn't realized it before. Like she hadn't realized that there's a reason why we get along and why we were (briefly) interested in each other.

And then she referred to me as an ex. Which is interesting because everything she knows about what happened between A and me, she learned from him...

Then, about a month later (about a week and a half ago), my job ended and I headed back to school. I texted A on my way there to ask if he was in town, and he told me he was and suggested we get dinner. We ended up hanging out and chatting for a bit and then we ran into more people and then we headed back to our house (yes, A and I live in the same house at school haha) and hung out more and drank and a bunch of us went to a party and it was really fun! We didn't get tons of alone time that night, but it just felt completely comfortable between us. And then as we were heading upstairs to go to sleep we gave each other a high five that turned into this weird hand-holding/ hand-squeezing thing which was weird because we usually tended to avoid contact.

Then the next day we hung out in a group or whatever and it was fun. I mentioned to him that I had bought a bottle of wine a while ago, and he was all, "we should drink it sometime." So I texted him the next evening and asked if that was something he'd be interested in doing. And he said yes and invited me to come to his room and listen to music with him. So I brought the wine and we ended up listening to music and talking and drinking the whole bottle. We made plans for when I return and discussed how we both intend to be in the city after graduation. I told him that I feel like he's someone I just get, but that I never know what he's thinking, and said he feels the same way. We hugged before we said goodnight.

The next night, I really wanted to go to a bar since I hadn't really been out since I turned 21; it was a weeknight and he works every day, but he accompanied me anyway. We drank a decent amount and talked for about 4 hours. I mentioned that I'm not as brave or forward as I used to be (i.e. 2 years ago when we hooked up) and he said either that he needs or wants a girl to make a first move (I can't remember which). Then we went back to the house and he helped me carry something up to my room and it was ridiculously messy so I felt really awkward/ embarrassed. We chatted for a few minutes and hugged and he told me to have a safe trip and that's the last I saw of him.

However, we have definite plans for Saturday night upon my return and tentative plans for the rest of the summer/ life. And I think we'll be the only two people in the house for a little while (maybe a week?). So I'm really not looking forward to the semester starting and having people come back and interfere or whatever.

And for that girl to come back... because I fear they'll get back together out of habit/ because it's easy or simple or whatever. And that would be incredibly painful for me. So I'm really trying not to get my hopes up, because that could easily happen/ he could view me as just a friend.

If I were a different girl, I'd totally mention that she's been skyping the guy I liked in attempt to break them up for good (and because A doesn't deserve that; he deserves someone who will care about him enough to at least set aside a couple of minutes every few days to give him a call--like, come one, it's not that hard). But I'm too nice/ chicken/ smart/ stupid and I desperately want to believe that things will work out the way they're supposed to.

So I guess I'll just go back and (clean my room and start doing thesis homework and do yoga and go to the gym and) spend more time with A and maybe try to drop some hints if it ever seems like a good time. And try not to give into the feeling of dread that tells me that whatever is happening between A and me has a quickly-approaching expiration date.


Gah. I love american apparel. And Bunny Holiday, though I can't say I completely understand her.

Last I checked (which was maybe a few weeks ago?), I was 113. My goal is stilll to get down to 110 by the time the semester starts (which is exactly 3 weeks from now= I need to lose a pound a week).

I'm with my family right now, eating well for the most part; on the way here, I stopped back at school for a few days (to drop stuff off, etc.) and A was there (remember him?) and we hung out every day and drank and it was wonderful (and I realized that I still have plenty of feelings for him...blah), but alcohol= calories so those few days weren't great. And I'm headed back again on Saturday, so I need to a) keep my calories in check and b) figure out what the hell is going on with us.

I hope this all makes sense; I'm really tired.

Also my knee still hurts which really sucks because I want to start going to yoga again asap!


My internship ended on a great note. I was sad to leave, and they were sad to see me go. If they have an opening after I graduate, I think they'll definitely consider me... which is awesome because a) money and b) I don't feel like going to or applying to grad school. And also my best friends are all planning on being in the city after graduation, so that would be awesome.

I'm boring.

I hope you're all well!