Monday, August 15, 2011

It's finally here!

As promised, thinspo for my amazing followers!!! :)

So, I woke up today and there was a not on the table from A. Something about his drunk friend ripping a magazine...

Whatever. Thing is, I didn't know he was back; I didn't even think he'd BE back, but obviously he was... and maybe still IS, but I don't know. I haven't seen him today. Which is good because I look like crap.

But when I got to the bottom of that note and saw his name there, I felt better... like my life was less empty. (A sensation probably caused by the fact that I haven't had a decent conversation in DAYS since everyone in the house is either gone, at work most of the day, or shut in their rooms doing who-knows-what. I miss how it used to be)

Anyhow, I'm not going to weight myself until the weekend due to bloating. I feel like beinging SOOO badly, and a sub-optimal weight wouldn't help matters. I need to know/ tell myself that I'm still descending, that I'm still on track...

People are starting to move back for the semester, so I need to make sure I'm at the top of my game!

I hope you all are well, and welcome new follower!!! :)


Saturday, August 13, 2011


Any of you have one? I just got one.


Wednesday, August 10, 2011

breaking/ broken news

So, remember when I told you about my friend L coming to visit? Well, she did! And it awesome. I got to show her around; she loves the campus and got along really well with my housemates.

And you know what else? She got A to loosen up around me. Perhaps by relaying so many stories from my past that I was no longer very mysterious at all, but quirky-cool? Maybe.

(That's how I like to think of myself, anyway. That is, when I'm having one of my happy-with-myself days.)

So last night:

L decided to take a bus home reeeally early this morning, so we decided we might as well see if we can just stay up. So we're sitting in the living room, watching TV, and A comes in and hangs with us. Then he decides that we're gonna take shots so he goes to get the supplies (including my shot glass that had been chilling in his room since the roof night, which he uses to take his shots with-- as if the boundaries are slowly crumbling, but in the best possible way).

So we have a round. As you know, I'm the lightest of all lightweights and after a few minutes I'm totally feeling it.

A few minutes later, A decides it's time for another round and pours us some more.

At that point, A and I are alone on this couch in the corner, and L and various housemates are on the other couches celebrating the end of classes, projects, internships, etc. We're watching TV and talking. I'm kind of leaning against A, my hand on his arm, and having a terrific time.

Then, we have another round. People start emptying out to get some sleep. I'm kind of... stroking A's bicep (??? lmao) and he has his hand on my knee.

Then L and A have another shot (L is totally FINE by the way... loose maybe, but not tipsy) and I have half of one. My hand wanders around near A's neck and I've got my head/ chin kind of propped on his shoulder and he's playing with the hem of my dress.

We're talking kind of softly to each other about the weird-ass commercials and what we think's going on in the TV show and I'm making it a point to make as much eye-contact with him as possible.

And then suddenly his face is turning and then we're kissing, like I'd imagined so many times before. (Thankfully, I'm too drunk-ish to be nervous, since I really have very little knowledge of this sort.) We pause for a few moments and then resume.

Then, he suggests we go into my room to try on sunglasses (kind of our thing). We're looking at them, and the next thing I know, he's closing the door and we're kissing more and he's lowering my down onto my bed.

And this is a new experiance for me; I don't want to stop it because I'm just so damn curious to see what's going to happen next.

I'll skip the details. I'm still a virgin, but he proves quite smooth, and by the end I'm, well, not wearing clothes.

Also, a new experiance for me.

So, we're lying on my bed, looking up at the ceiling. I'd asked why he's never asked me out. He tells me that he isn't looking for anything serious.

Which, I think, I knew as soon as I began walking toward my room. Or maybe before: maybe after he started kissing me the second time.

I don't know, but it doesn't come as a shock. (Maybe because deep down I feel like I'm never going to have a real relationship with someone I'm actually into.)

He says it's because he works crazy-hard (which is true), and I say I understand, because, intellectually, I do. I tell him that I wish it were different, that he didn't have to work that hard. He tells me it's something that he can't change because he's secretly crazy which "no one really knows."

I tell him I get that too, because I do.

He's suspected that I wanted something more. He says he's probably a jerk for doing that right before he leaves. I tell him he's not, because he's just so... genuine about all of this, and that I wish he didn't have to go. He says he wishes the same thing.

And then my brain starts wildly re-calculating, trying to figure out if it's possible that this was what he was after all along. So I ask him if that's why he danced with me at that after-party that I hold so dear to my heart.

And that's when he admits that he'd been pretty drunk and didn't really know what he was doing... which he says he realizes must sound really bad.

I let out a soft "sh!t."

Then I ask him if it has anything to do with the fact that we're in this organization together. He says kind of.

I let out a soft "f*ck," and try to nervously laugh out some of the tension I feel building within me.

"I really like you, too," I say.  "Sh!t."

We lie in silence for a while. Then we get dressed, he goes up to sleep and I return to L.


Now, after hardly sleeping at all and waking up in a cold sweat (and, miraculously, not AT ALL hungover), I'm probably not in the best shape to be sifting through last night's events... but analysis is simply my nature. So, I've come up with a few explanations:

  1. Taking shots was to make it easier to "get in my pants"
  2. Or, it was for him, so that he'd have a little extra confidence with which to make a move (would also account for why he did it on his last night here, for if it went wrong, he would be able to avoid me for at least a couple of weeks)
  3. Of, I suppose, he could have simply wanted to drink and the rest happened on its own accord

And a few interpretations of what he was trying to say to me (though we both weren't at out best and I don't remember everything, so this could prove to be entirely speculative):

  1. That hooking up was a one-time thing and he wants to go back to being friends because of complications it could cause
  2. He's interested in a fwb-type situation
  3. That he's afraid of starting a relationship
  4. That he was attracted to me and wanted to get it out of his system
  5. That he doesn't even really like me, but made a mistake and was trying to let me down easily
  6. Some combo of 1, 4, and 5
  7. That he's just as confused as I am

And a few possible next steps:

  1. Text him something like, "last night was fun" and give fwb a try
  2. Wait until he's back from his vacation or until school starts and ask if he wants to hang out
  3. * and try talking this out in person (and completely sober)
  4. Don't do anything/ wait it out
If anyone has ANY ADVICE AT ALL of simply feels like voting for any of these options, please do, because I've never been involved in anything like this before and both L and E (the one who tried to set us up) are at a loss and I REALLY don't want to go there with my mom. (Too awkward.)

I've never experianced so much confusion caused by such a short period of time. Life is really strange/ miraculous, isn't it?

Now, I'm off to FINALLY catch up on all your wonderful blogs! I hope your days have been much less dramatic/ confusing than mine!


Monday, August 8, 2011

welcome to my neuroses

hey, guys! sorry i've been gone. i was on a thinspo binge (i've collected A LOT... and, of course, i will slowly share it with you!) and then i was summoned to my mother's abode to attend my grandpa's funeral. and then i felt guilty because i wasn't that sad because i didn't really know him.. and then i felt guilty about feeling guilty because i don't think he would have wanted that. and then i felt guilty about feeling guilty about feeling guilty because that's just stupid/ a waste of time.

i weighed myself right when i got there and i was 100.2. on the scale that said i was 106 at the beginning of the summer.

but something about just being there makes me gain. i definitely didn't eat badly.. simply ok, but i'm probably back at 102. (i look puffier, at least.)

i got back yesterday, and i definitely look better today, though, which is good. and today my friend is coming up to visit me which is AWESOME.. but i kind of want some alone time with A (i missed him SOOO much. i swear, as soon as i left, i was like "bleh!!!"), and now i feel guilty for that.

so now i'm guilty x4.. plus one more guilty for just writing about my grandpa in this post like it's nbd.


new followers, i'm not usually this un-fun. I SWEAR.

anyhow, i'm way, way behind on your blogs! in a few days, my friend will be gone and i will catch up. pinky promise.