Too much

I just saw A pulling out of the driveway, a girl in the passenger seat.

And she isn't me.

Do you ever ask yourself how the hell it is that you got to a certain point, only to look back and say, "oh yeah." That's me right now.

You see, things were going pretty well: we were slowly moving forward-- ie. having actual conversations. And then, as you know, I started to get impatient, because that's what I do when things are going well. I want them to be going even BETTER, and start speeding up and taking shortcuts... and eventually ending up worse off than when I started. (I think that's what happens with my weightloss, too.)

So, Tuesday night we went mini-golfing with 2 of our friends/ housemates, one of whom is a female, J. I really like J. She's loads of fun, and she's a year older than me so she's great to go to for advice. I didn't, however, like seeing A flirting with J. I mean, it's not like it was really obvious or anything; we were all just kind of goofing off, but I'm a jealous person, and I'd never seen him flirt with anyone before. I didn't even know that he could! With me, he was all shy, but with her he seemed confortable. So that was a bit of a downer.

Then, Wednesday comes. J and I are in the kitchen at like 11 pm hanging out and laughing like we usually do (I really do like this girl. She's sweet, but she can also be visciously funny!), and A comes in. So the 3 of us are chatting for a few minutes and then he asks us if we want to go on the roof (his room has access). Obviously, we're like f*ck yeah! (I swear, this girl brings out this fun, wild side of me that I never knew was there and now never want to part with.) So, we grab some alcohol and some glasses and head up...

THE ROOF STORY:

It's pretty damn eventful, so I won't include everything. (Not that I could, as some of it has slipped my mind...)

Anyhow, we climb onto the roof, sit on a tarp, and start drinking. They have regular glasses and both only fill it up once, and I have a shot glass, which I fill up 3 times. (Which is a mistake because I'm a super lightweight, but it was just one of those nights when I wanted to get drunk, because I wanted to feel comfortable and loose, and I don't drink often, so I thought I deserved it.)

So we're sitting and talking and then we're lying down and talking and then we get cold so the three of us are lying under a blanket (the thing completely covering us) talking. And as time goes by, they get looser, and I get somewhat drunk.

A's in the middle, and first a start kind of stroking his hair and then J and I are resting our heads on his shoulders, and at various points I'm either holding his hand, running my fingers down his chest, or rubbing his jaw. (Yep.)

Anyhow, we, being horny college kids, of course end up talking about sex and hooking up and I learn a lot of very interesting things, but these really stand out:

• A wanted to watch J and I hookup/ was interested in having a threesome with us (which, frankly, surprised the crap out of me-- not that he wanted it, but that he was admitting it, because he's usually ridiculously quiet)
• A isn't a virgin (which at first disappointed me, but now I kind of like it)
• he's iffy about dating someone in the organization we're all in, but he would totally hook up
• he thinks (says) that J and I are 2 of the most attractive girls in the organization

Now, of course, it wasn't just him talking; there was some back-and-forth. So here are some gems that I divulged:

• I'm a virgin who's ready to burst
• I think his older brother (also in the organization, though I haven't met him yet) is hot
• I think A's the most attractive person in the organization
• I don't think I'm very pretty (which guys obviously LOVE to hear. not.)
• and I'm pretty sure I hinted not so discreetly that I want to have sex with him

Yeah.

Now, I'm sure this will be HILARIOUS in time, but it's a bit too fresh now.

That isn't all though! The person whose room we were lounging in front of made us leave, and I was really dizzy so A had to HELP me up to his window (and guys LOVE drunk girls. not.) and then A and J held my hands all the way downstairs to my room and then they tucked me into bed.

Yep. Like they're my freakin' parents.

I got up a few minutes later to go to the bathroom and heard A talking in J's room, but on the way back, he was gone. (I don't know what this means, but it makes me paranoid.)

END OF ROOF STORY

The next morning: I see A when we're having breakfast and I apologize for being awkward the night before (according to my friend, I was supposed to pretend nothing had happened. go me.), and then tell him that if there's a next time we're on the roof together I promise not to molest him (I think I actually used that word too. what a winner).

Then we have our own days, blah blah. J tells me not to worry, that I didn't do anything too embarassing and that tucking me in was "cute," but she's nice so I'm not sure if I believe her... But A comes home and we're all in the kitchen talking and joking around like always, and I swear that when we're standing next to each other and he looks at me, his eyes are sparkling. (pupil dilation? that would be most welcome!)

Then A's supposed to come with the group I'm going with to the HP midnight showing, and we got tickets for a separate theatre. He backs out last minute since he has work the next morning and I try to act cool but I think it was obvious that I'm upset. Then, as we're driving away, I ask loudly why A is "being such a douche" and then realize the window of the car and the room he was just in are open. (aweeesome.)

The next day: It's our friend's bday, so we're going to a dinner for him. I'm nervous about seeing A because I fear he might have heard me not-so-nice exclamation and/ or be freaked out by the fact that I'd really wanted him to come. He texts me around 6 asking a question about gifts, so I think that maybe we're cool, but when he gets to the restaurant, it's pretty obvious that we're not. We sit next to each other and he can hardly look at me or talk to me (and I'm having a similar problem). I mean, we manage a few short but flirty-ish exchanges, but the whole thing is just so awkward.

A few hours later, we head out to a party. We're standing on the porch talking to separate people (I'm talking to a guy and debating about anthropology and A seems to be glancing at me), and then they leave. So I step over to him and start a convo and it's still pretty awkward, but alright, and we have a few more flirty exchanges, but it's obvious that he's uncomfortable (and I am too, since he is).

Then we all go to play Kings and he leaves. As I'm walking back with a guy from the house, I notice his light is on, and consider going up under the pretense of getting my shotglass back, but decide against it.

So, right now I'm giving him space, at the sage advice of my friend, because he's probably (rightfully) kind of freaked out right now. I saw him briefly this afternoon. He was heading out the door with some friends and saw each other and waved at the same time. Very casual. Casual cool. Etc.

And I'm gonna stick with it, because now is the time when damage control, I think (hope), is possible. And because he's such a nice guy and doesn't deserve to be freaked out.

But still, seeing him in that car with that girl (even though I think/ hope she's just a friend) hurts, because I'm worried that by coming to ctown and acting like a freak I've ruined any chance I ever had of being that girl driving in the car with him.

:'(