So... yesterday was Day 3 of my third try at the HSGD, for which I've been weighing myself everyday. On Thursday, was 107, and then yesterday I was 105.6 which I know can't possibly be right (maybe I'm dehydrated?), but it was just such a relief to see that number starting to approach my normal (acceptable) range.
Then, I went to one class (my last of the semester, THANK GOODNESS!) and then I went to bake some rainbow cakes in jars for the frat I'm in. C wasn't there; A was, and not too many other people, so we got in some quality time. We sat next to each other for a while and were kind of casually making physical contact as we went about our business. (I was going to say "touching each other" but that doesn't seem to be quite right.) Like... my arm would rub against his knee as I stirred and then he'd reach over me to grab a chip (and say something really cute like, "Sorry. I just really needed a chip!" and kind of smile and UGH!), so then I'd reach over him for a spoon or something... It felt like the summer again.
At one point, he was asking me if I eat dinner in the dining hall in my dorm every night for dinner, and I told him that I eat there sometimes, "when I eat dinner" which just kind of came out. Something about him makes me in the mood for honesty. So then he was like, "and the rest of the time you go anorexic?" as a joke.
And I froze because he has no idea. If I were anorexic, I'd be the kind of skinny that I want to be, but my ED is a mix, and I haven't had an anorexic period for 4 years. And I know the way things are now are probably healthier... idk. I could write a whole book on my feelings about this topic, but I guess it's like, "the grass is always greener on the other side."
Anyhow, eventually I said something stupid like, "I... eat lunch" (man, do I eat one hell of a lunch. 700 calories?!?) and grabbed a chip. I mean, it's not like I don't eat anything during dinner hours (I'd be much skinnier if I didn't), but it's not dinner; it's snack-ish. Bananas and cashew butter, etc.
But now that everyone thinks I don't eat dinner, I might as well not. I'm out of food in my room anyway...
And this was my intention, but then I got guilted into hanging out with some people and C was there (yuck) and I got coerced into having dinner with them and felt really guilty because I hadn't wanted to have dinner and the vegetables tasted oily and I wasn't about to screw up the HSGD AGAIN because then I'd just be a failure. So I had a slight panic-attack, ate veggies and fruit and a few beans, and (by my estimation) just hit the caloric mark for the day.
And now, today:
Today we have a ceremony for our new members, which A will be attending, and then tonight we have our formal and afterparty which, rumor has it (aka my friend E) that A will ALSO be attending. Which I feel like I've mentioned, but my short-term memory has been HORRIBLE lately.
Anyhow, these are some of the last few times I'm going to see him this semester (for over a month! grrrrrrr) so I wanna make them count. Also, I really wanna make out with him. I haven't hooked up with anyone since him (sad, I know), and I'm pretty sure he hasn't hooked with anyone since me.
So, I've asked E to, at some point, distract C so that I can actually, maybe, have some time with him. Not that I know what to do with it. Maybe ask him to dance? That's what I did last semester, if you recall, and what, perhaps, kinda kickstarted things between us (which is an inaccurate phrase for it makes it seem as if any sort of "relationship" we have/ have had has moved anything but slothlike...) but I'm afraid. I don't wanna come on too strongly, or pressure him, or be rejected.
Am I hopeless?
I'm gonna go back to sleep now (I hope) and, hopefully, today will go ok.
Have a great weekend, guys!
~K
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