At least I weighed in at 104.2 this morning... though it's probably merely a result of alcohol-induced dehydration.
Maybe I should stop drinking; A doesn't seem to like me when I've been drinking.
At formal, when he walked in the room, I happened to look over his way (I didn't even know he was planning on coming!) when he saw me and he did a double take. No one's ever done that to me before. I thought that maybe it was a good omen for the rest of the night but noooo i guess not. Idk.
My mom's (incredibly sweet, but possible misguided) idea is that he's afraid of his feelings for me. But is that what's indicated in his behavior? I have no idea.
I'm a mess with no guy experiance, really, with anyone BUT A and, kind of, H... and various guys I've had good flirting moments with, so I HAVE NO CLUE.
He drives me crazy. Despite my very pro-self harm genes, I've had very few times when I've felt that urge, but last night and waking up this morning and now, I feel it. I just want him to... idk...stop playing around! And I want him to care about me. I want SOMEONE to realize how hard this guy stuff is for me and how much it's really been messing me up. My best friend, L, from home doesn't even. My mom does kind of. And that's it.
Maybe because I play it cool, but what am I supposed to do? Walk around crying, in a never-ending panic attack? When I DO try to broach the subject people just kind of shrug it off and that was FINE when things seemed to be going FINE and maybe I'm completely over-reacting and all the school-stress from the last couple of weeks has finally caught up with me, mixed with the stress of finals week (next week. hoorah), mixed with my need to just GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE AND BE HOME (even though "home" isn't quite home)...
Why am I such a distaster? When did I become such a fucking mess?
I'm sorry for the rant and the cursing but UGH! I'M SO DONE WITH THIS. I want to be sane again.
I hope you guys are doing better than I am.