disappointment

At least I weighed in at 104.2 this morning... though it's probably merely a result of alcohol-induced dehydration.

Maybe I should stop drinking; A doesn't seem to like me when I've been drinking.

I just feel so stupid. I just wrote a whole post about how I think/ thought he likes me and then I'm at the formal after-party (looking pretty decent, I think, which is HUGE for me) and he's so skiddish and awkward and weird... like a deer caught in the headlights. And it's not like I was hitting on him! I just asked him what he was drinking... and then later we had a quick exchange about kombucha (probably our highlight of the night. lame.) but then there he is in the ctown hangout and I'm wearing another guy's coat (I kinda had a thing for him last year... and still kind of do, but it's nothing like what I have for A, and besides, he has a gf from back home) and A's talking to this girl who just joined (who's the SWEETEST girl in the world. I seriously love her so much and she's planning on living in the house next year which is soooo great... but now also kind of awkward since A's planning on living there too--I just found this out--and C is, of course, whic is really just asking for trouble... WTF IS MY LIFE??? when did I start having drama like this? geez) and they seem like they're really hitting it off and she's a friendly girl in general but sometimes I wonderred if maybe she was flirting... and wondering if maybe HE was flirting too?

At formal, when he walked in the room, I happened to look over his way (I didn't even know he was planning on coming!) when he saw me and he did a double take. No one's ever done that to me before. I thought that maybe it was a good omen for the rest of the night but noooo i guess not. Idk.

My mom's (incredibly sweet, but possible misguided) idea is that he's afraid of his feelings for me. But is that what's indicated in his behavior? I have no idea.

I'm a mess with no guy experiance, really, with anyone BUT A and, kind of, H... and various guys I've had good flirting moments with, so I HAVE NO CLUE.

He drives me crazy. Despite my very pro-self harm genes, I've had very few times when I've felt that urge, but last night and waking up this morning and now, I feel it. I just want him to... idk...stop playing around! And I want him to care about me. I want SOMEONE to realize how hard this guy stuff is for me and how much it's really been messing me up. My best friend, L, from home doesn't even. My mom does kind of. And that's it.

Maybe because I play it cool, but what am I supposed to do? Walk around crying, in a never-ending panic attack? When I DO try to broach the subject people just kind of shrug it off and that was FINE when things seemed to be going FINE and maybe I'm completely over-reacting and all the school-stress from the last couple of weeks has finally caught up with me, mixed with the stress of finals week (next week. hoorah), mixed with my need to just GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE AND BE HOME (even though "home" isn't quite home)...

Why am I such a distaster? When did I become such a fucking mess?

I'm sorry for the rant and the cursing but UGH! I'M SO DONE WITH THIS. I want to be sane again.

I hope you guys are doing better than I am.
-K