Tuesday, December 13, 2011

#occupytheelliptical +FIN +measurements

So... I've started going to the gym the past couple of days because each machine has an individual TV and I can watch Friends. Ha! But I stay on for an hour (2 episodes) and burn 400 calories, so that's pretty good. And I always leave feeling pretty great.

In fact, I'd forgotten how awesome it feels to step out into the cold right after a workout, in shorts and a thin fleece and feeling invincible because eveyone's walking around in pants and wool coats, shivering. Like, SUCK IT!!!

Sorry. I'm in kind of a weird mood because I just handed in my portfolio which means that I'm DONE FOR THE SEMESTER!!!! Hell yeah!!!

I'm still kind of in denial. I mean, I'll be here until the weekend (damn flight) and I've got stuff to do--like the fitting tomorrow.

Did I tell you that story? My short-term memory has REALLY been acting up lately. I guess I'll tell it again as quickly and painlessly as possible.

So, it was C's bday (yuck) and she, E, A, and I were sitting in A's room and E is talking about how her friend is designing for their program's annual fashion show (which I think is a big-ish deal) again and how she's getting their friend to model again and all the sudden she turns to me and she's like, "You'd actually be perfect."

And I was like, "What? Have you seen how tall I am?" because I'm 5'2! Me runway-modeling? That's insane!

And she goes, "No, no! You'd be perfect! Our friend is small too. You guys are probably just about the same height. And your hair is really similar... omg you guys would match! It's too perfect!"

"Really?" And she has me stand up and she takes a picture on her phone and sends it to her friend.

And she's like, "Totally. You're a model-size... and she's looking for people who have an interesting look, and your face is interesting and pretty." (I didn't really need to include that part but I thought it was really nice of her. I love E <3)

Her friend liked my picture, and when I went to meet her in person, she agreed that I'd be good.

So tomorrow she measures me. I should have planned ahead--stayed away from bread, etc.--because I don't want her to have buyer's remorse. Maybe I'll tell her I'm on my period? I do plan on continuing to lose weight, but I guess these are just preliminary measurements...

Bah. I'm rambling. Because I'm nervous because I'm not sure if I want to know the numbers.

But I'm not going to lie; I'm curious as hell.

Have a terrific evening, everyone!

Friday, December 9, 2011

finals week

I took my physics final last night; I studied the wrong stuff (old info instead of new), so I was fairly uncomfortable with the material. The prof curves, so hopefully other people didn't do that well either... but still. It felt bad. I took finals like that in high school-- that didn't feel great-- but everything turned out ok. Well, even. (I got in here, didn't I? And it was my first choice.) But this is college. A really competitive, pressure-cooker, dog-eat-dog college.

Things might not turn out ok here.

In other news, I'm still 104.2. According to my scale, I have been every day since the 4th. Can that be right? I mean, I weigh myself every morning in the same manner... but that's a lot of days.

Today, I did a test though. I weighed myself again with a jacket on and my weight rose 2 lbs which I estimate is pretty accurate, but it still makes me nervous. What if that preliminary 104 is off and when I weigh myself on my family's scale it says 110 or something?

I shouldn't be thinking about this. I should be thinking about my french final tomorrow and the things I have to write for creative writing. Not scales.

I hope things are going well for all of you! I'm soooo close to being done with the semester and then I'll post more and read your blogs and comment and be awesome!


Monday, December 5, 2011


Again. (It seems.) Like the C and A thing all over again... ish. I'm sorry I keep doing this.


Yesterday, everything was back to normal. I was with a couple of our mutual friends in ctown and we ran into A. He and one of our friends are in the same class so they decided to study together and he asked me if I wanted to study with them (I'm not in the same class, or any class even remotely similar), and I agreed. We ended up staying up until 3 am, studying (which for me is writing papers) and talking about books and careers. At this point it was past 1 (when I tend to start getting a little loopy) and I started talking passionately about how much I want to be a screenwriter, and I looked over at A, and even though our career paths will likely differ greatly, I could tell that he understood and was impressed by what I was saying (or my clumsy enthusiasm).

And he recommended a book to me, which I bought today. I can't wait to read it over break!

And then our friend started talking about his friend's crazy ex-girlfriend (not cool-crazy like me, he assured me), and I was like, "yeah. Some girls can be really crazy" (referring to C) and A was like, "oh yeah. I know one of them" and I could have sworn that he gave me a quick, conspiratorial look (ie. he was talking about C as well). I could have imagined it, but I'm definitely sensing more and more distance between them.

I'm just glad that things were back to normal between us.

Anyhow, back to what this blog is about:

Because I was so busy with them, I ended up eating 700 calories on my 1100 calorie day (yay!). I found some chocolate in my backpack, so I shared it with them, which made me feel good, made them happy, and kept me at such an awesome number.

And then this morning I weighed in at 104.2 lbs again! Yay!

And then I went to lunch with the friend (A was gonna come but he was on a studying-roll) and then I got some coffee and then I went to a little holiday gethering and we watched Elf and I love Zooey Deschanel and now I'm listening to Christmas music and I'm about to watch Glee and I'm HAPPY. And what surprises me is how happy and hopeful I feel right now (maybe the caffeine rush + holiday cheer + having a good talk with my mom about A?) and that absolutely TERRIFIES me because I feel like extreme highs must always be followed by extreme lows; the universe requires balance.

Geez these posts have been long.

I hope that you guys are doing well! And if finals/ midterms are coming up, GOOD LUCK!

o<] K

P.S. ^^^ It's a Santa hat kind of, right?

Sunday, December 4, 2011


At least I weighed in at 104.2 this morning... though it's probably merely a result of alcohol-induced dehydration.

Maybe I should stop drinking; A doesn't seem to like me when I've been drinking.

I just feel so stupid. I just wrote a whole post about how I think/ thought he likes me and then I'm at the formal after-party (looking pretty decent, I think, which is HUGE for me) and he's so skiddish and awkward and weird... like a deer caught in the headlights. And it's not like I was hitting on him! I just asked him what he was drinking... and then later we had a quick exchange about kombucha (probably our highlight of the night. lame.) but then there he is in the ctown hangout and I'm wearing another guy's coat (I kinda had a thing for him last year... and still kind of do, but it's nothing like what I have for A, and besides, he has a gf from back home) and A's talking to this girl who just joined (who's the SWEETEST girl in the world. I seriously love her so much and she's planning on living in the house next year which is soooo great... but now also kind of awkward since A's planning on living there too--I just found this out--and C is, of course, whic is really just asking for trouble... WTF IS MY LIFE??? when did I start having drama like this? geez) and they seem like they're really hitting it off and she's a friendly girl in general but sometimes I wonderred if maybe she was flirting... and wondering if maybe HE was flirting too?

At formal, when he walked in the room, I happened to look over his way (I didn't even know he was planning on coming!) when he saw me and he did a double take. No one's ever done that to me before. I thought that maybe it was a good omen for the rest of the night but noooo i guess not. Idk.

My mom's (incredibly sweet, but possible misguided) idea is that he's afraid of his feelings for me. But is that what's indicated in his behavior? I have no idea.

I'm a mess with no guy experiance, really, with anyone BUT A and, kind of, H... and various guys I've had good flirting moments with, so I HAVE NO CLUE.

He drives me crazy. Despite my very pro-self harm genes, I've had very few times when I've felt that urge, but last night and waking up this morning and now, I feel it. I just want him to... idk...stop playing around! And I want him to care about me. I want SOMEONE to realize how hard this guy stuff is for me and how much it's really been messing me up. My best friend, L, from home doesn't even. My mom does kind of. And that's it.

Maybe because I play it cool, but what am I supposed to do? Walk around crying, in a never-ending panic attack? When I DO try to broach the subject people just kind of shrug it off and that was FINE when things seemed to be going FINE and maybe I'm completely over-reacting and all the school-stress from the last couple of weeks has finally caught up with me, mixed with the stress of finals week (next week. hoorah), mixed with my need to just GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE AND BE HOME (even though "home" isn't quite home)...

Why am I such a distaster? When did I become such a fucking mess?

I'm sorry for the rant and the cursing but UGH! I'M SO DONE WITH THIS. I want to be sane again.

I hope you guys are doing better than I am.

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Yesterday and today

Hello, everyone! Hello, new followers! I'm honored to have you aboard :)

So... yesterday was Day 3 of my third try at the HSGD, for which I've been weighing myself everyday. On Thursday,  was 107, and then yesterday I was 105.6 which I know can't possibly be right (maybe I'm dehydrated?), but it was just such a relief to see that number starting to approach my normal (acceptable) range.

Then, I went to one class (my last of the semester, THANK GOODNESS!) and then I went to bake some rainbow cakes in jars for the frat I'm in. C wasn't there; A was, and not too many other people, so we got in some quality time. We sat next to each other for a while and were kind of casually making physical contact as we went about our business. (I was going to say "touching each other" but that doesn't seem to be quite right.) Like... my arm would rub against his knee as I stirred and then he'd reach over me to grab a chip (and say something really cute like, "Sorry. I just really needed a chip!" and kind of smile and UGH!), so then I'd reach over him for a spoon or something... It felt like the summer again.

At one point, he was asking me if I eat dinner in the dining hall in my dorm every night for dinner, and I told him that I eat there sometimes, "when I eat dinner" which just kind of came out. Something about him makes me in the mood for honesty. So then he was like, "and the rest of the time you go anorexic?" as a joke.

And I froze because he has no idea. If I were anorexic, I'd be the kind of skinny that I want to be, but my ED is a mix, and I haven't had an anorexic period for 4 years. And I know the way things are now are probably healthier... idk. I could write a whole book on my feelings about this topic, but I guess it's like, "the grass is always greener on the other side."

Anyhow, eventually I said something stupid like, "I... eat lunch" (man, do I eat one hell of a lunch. 700 calories?!?) and grabbed a chip. I mean, it's not like I don't eat anything during dinner hours (I'd be much skinnier if I didn't), but it's not dinner; it's snack-ish. Bananas and cashew butter, etc.

But now that everyone thinks I don't eat dinner, I might as well not. I'm out of food in my room anyway...

And this was my intention, but then I got guilted into hanging out with some people and C was there (yuck) and I got coerced into having dinner with them and felt really guilty because I hadn't wanted to have dinner and the vegetables tasted oily and I wasn't about to screw up the HSGD AGAIN because then I'd just be a failure. So I had a slight panic-attack, ate veggies and fruit and a few beans, and (by my estimation) just hit the caloric mark for the day.

And now, today:

Today we have a ceremony for our new members, which A will be attending, and then tonight we have our formal and afterparty which, rumor has it (aka my friend E) that A will ALSO be attending. Which I feel like I've mentioned, but my short-term memory has been HORRIBLE lately.

Anyhow, these are some of the last few times I'm going to see him this semester (for over a month! grrrrrrr) so I wanna make them count. Also, I really wanna make out with him. I haven't hooked up with anyone since him (sad, I know), and I'm pretty sure he hasn't hooked with anyone since me.

So, I've asked E to, at some point, distract C so that I can actually, maybe, have some time with him. Not that I know what to do with it. Maybe ask him to dance? That's what I did last semester, if you recall, and what, perhaps, kinda kickstarted things between us (which is an inaccurate phrase for it makes it seem as if any sort of "relationship" we have/ have had has moved anything but slothlike...) but I'm afraid. I don't wanna come on too strongly, or pressure him, or be rejected.

Am I hopeless?

I'm gonna go back to sleep now (I hope) and, hopefully, today will go ok.

Have a great weekend, guys!