raw food weekend: update

Sooo, it's Sunday night. Besides a glass of wine last night (I was at a wine and cheese thing and felt awkward and when I feel awkward, I enjoy alcohol...), I've been raw all weekend.

I feel like I'm going to explode. Today was one big fruit and nut binge, which I guess is better than eating a shitload of snackfood but still. It's not ok. Luckily, I'm finished with all the nuts, so maybe I'll extend this through tomorrow and just try to eat fruit...? Le sigh. I used to be decent at losing weight.

I guess I've been stressed out lately about the whole C and A thing. C asked me to coffee yesterday so we could chat. She talked about how she was a huge bitch and I sat there and said nothing because she was and because she doesn't seem to realize how not ok it is to be that deluded... especially for someone so histrionic. It's a toxic combination and I have enough toxicity in my life.

She kept me there talking for an hour, and we slowly built back up some sort of rapport because we're going to be working together next semester and we do see each other a lot at events for our organization. At the wine and cheese thing, I was thinking about how (surprisingly) relieved I felt, and then I realized that she was following A around. Again.

I was talking to him, too. We were actually having one of the first normal (for us, which means kind of awkward... but cute) conversations we've had since the summer and then- BAM! There she is, by his side, poking at him or tapping him on the shoulder or whining at him. I don't even know.

This happens every time. She seriously has become his stalker. It's gross.

And what's even more gross is that despite what she said when we (she) had coffee, I think that she DOES think that something's going to happen between them-- that it will if she tries hard enough, or that it's inevitable, or some shit like that. I think she thinks that deep down he has feelings for her. But you know what? Ever since I've cut ties with her and she's really begun to embrace that crazy-bitch role, he's been reaching out to me and being, well, flirty again. Like... we're approaching the point we were at in the summer.

At the party, this guy friend of mine wanted to pick me up (he'd just picked A up haha), and then A said something about wanting to pick up someone, so I volunteered myself. He picked me up and walked into the foyer; he held me while we said goodbye to some people who were leaving (which took some time), and then brought me back to the dining room and we kind of smiled at each other. It was nice. I had my arms around his neck and it just felt... comfortable. Natural. Like my body remembered his.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury (I've been reading a lot of Nabokov), I still have feelings for A; I want to make that clear. Maybe I shouldn't, I don't know, but I think that he might be interested too. And maybe it's just wishful thinking, but the last time I thought this, I was right. And this would surely explain this sudden effort (though he tends to fumble-- which I find cute, but very confusing) he's been making with me.

Maybe he took one look at new, crazier C and realized that a lot of the "options" out there, well, aren't.

I guess we'll have to wait and see.

-K