Wednesday, August 10, 2011

breaking/ broken news

So, remember when I told you about my friend L coming to visit? Well, she did! And it awesome. I got to show her around; she loves the campus and got along really well with my housemates.

And you know what else? She got A to loosen up around me. Perhaps by relaying so many stories from my past that I was no longer very mysterious at all, but quirky-cool? Maybe.

(That's how I like to think of myself, anyway. That is, when I'm having one of my happy-with-myself days.)

So last night:

L decided to take a bus home reeeally early this morning, so we decided we might as well see if we can just stay up. So we're sitting in the living room, watching TV, and A comes in and hangs with us. Then he decides that we're gonna take shots so he goes to get the supplies (including my shot glass that had been chilling in his room since the roof night, which he uses to take his shots with-- as if the boundaries are slowly crumbling, but in the best possible way).

So we have a round. As you know, I'm the lightest of all lightweights and after a few minutes I'm totally feeling it.

A few minutes later, A decides it's time for another round and pours us some more.

At that point, A and I are alone on this couch in the corner, and L and various housemates are on the other couches celebrating the end of classes, projects, internships, etc. We're watching TV and talking. I'm kind of leaning against A, my hand on his arm, and having a terrific time.

Then, we have another round. People start emptying out to get some sleep. I'm kind of... stroking A's bicep (??? lmao) and he has his hand on my knee.

Then L and A have another shot (L is totally FINE by the way... loose maybe, but not tipsy) and I have half of one. My hand wanders around near A's neck and I've got my head/ chin kind of propped on his shoulder and he's playing with the hem of my dress.

We're talking kind of softly to each other about the weird-ass commercials and what we think's going on in the TV show and I'm making it a point to make as much eye-contact with him as possible.

And then suddenly his face is turning and then we're kissing, like I'd imagined so many times before. (Thankfully, I'm too drunk-ish to be nervous, since I really have very little knowledge of this sort.) We pause for a few moments and then resume.

Then, he suggests we go into my room to try on sunglasses (kind of our thing). We're looking at them, and the next thing I know, he's closing the door and we're kissing more and he's lowering my down onto my bed.

And this is a new experiance for me; I don't want to stop it because I'm just so damn curious to see what's going to happen next.

I'll skip the details. I'm still a virgin, but he proves quite smooth, and by the end I'm, well, not wearing clothes.

Also, a new experiance for me.

So, we're lying on my bed, looking up at the ceiling. I'd asked why he's never asked me out. He tells me that he isn't looking for anything serious.

Which, I think, I knew as soon as I began walking toward my room. Or maybe before: maybe after he started kissing me the second time.

I don't know, but it doesn't come as a shock. (Maybe because deep down I feel like I'm never going to have a real relationship with someone I'm actually into.)

He says it's because he works crazy-hard (which is true), and I say I understand, because, intellectually, I do. I tell him that I wish it were different, that he didn't have to work that hard. He tells me it's something that he can't change because he's secretly crazy which "no one really knows."

I tell him I get that too, because I do.

He's suspected that I wanted something more. He says he's probably a jerk for doing that right before he leaves. I tell him he's not, because he's just so... genuine about all of this, and that I wish he didn't have to go. He says he wishes the same thing.

And then my brain starts wildly re-calculating, trying to figure out if it's possible that this was what he was after all along. So I ask him if that's why he danced with me at that after-party that I hold so dear to my heart.

And that's when he admits that he'd been pretty drunk and didn't really know what he was doing... which he says he realizes must sound really bad.

I let out a soft "sh!t."

Then I ask him if it has anything to do with the fact that we're in this organization together. He says kind of.

I let out a soft "f*ck," and try to nervously laugh out some of the tension I feel building within me.

"I really like you, too," I say.  "Sh!t."

We lie in silence for a while. Then we get dressed, he goes up to sleep and I return to L.


Now, after hardly sleeping at all and waking up in a cold sweat (and, miraculously, not AT ALL hungover), I'm probably not in the best shape to be sifting through last night's events... but analysis is simply my nature. So, I've come up with a few explanations:

  1. Taking shots was to make it easier to "get in my pants"
  2. Or, it was for him, so that he'd have a little extra confidence with which to make a move (would also account for why he did it on his last night here, for if it went wrong, he would be able to avoid me for at least a couple of weeks)
  3. Of, I suppose, he could have simply wanted to drink and the rest happened on its own accord

And a few interpretations of what he was trying to say to me (though we both weren't at out best and I don't remember everything, so this could prove to be entirely speculative):

  1. That hooking up was a one-time thing and he wants to go back to being friends because of complications it could cause
  2. He's interested in a fwb-type situation
  3. That he's afraid of starting a relationship
  4. That he was attracted to me and wanted to get it out of his system
  5. That he doesn't even really like me, but made a mistake and was trying to let me down easily
  6. Some combo of 1, 4, and 5
  7. That he's just as confused as I am

And a few possible next steps:

  1. Text him something like, "last night was fun" and give fwb a try
  2. Wait until he's back from his vacation or until school starts and ask if he wants to hang out
  3. * and try talking this out in person (and completely sober)
  4. Don't do anything/ wait it out
If anyone has ANY ADVICE AT ALL of simply feels like voting for any of these options, please do, because I've never been involved in anything like this before and both L and E (the one who tried to set us up) are at a loss and I REALLY don't want to go there with my mom. (Too awkward.)

I've never experianced so much confusion caused by such a short period of time. Life is really strange/ miraculous, isn't it?

Now, I'm off to FINALLY catch up on all your wonderful blogs! I hope your days have been much less dramatic/ confusing than mine!



  1. I would try and wait it out if I were you... He knows that you like him, and he already said he doesn't want anything serious. He probably needs to figure a few things out for himself

  2. Aw I glad that you got together with him, but that you didn't do anything rash (i.e. sex) - sounds like the best situation!

    Honestly, don't want to sound like an old fart here, but from my own dating/bf experiences try try try not to analyse. I can 100% guarantee he isn't. Go with your feelings. If in your gut you have an instinct to do one of those options - do it.

    Even if it doesn't work out, well that shows you may not have been compatible in the end.

    Good luck sweetheart! xxxxxx

  3. Ah, ohmygod. Excitement. And then a let-down.

    It happens that way sometimes.

    I would wait it out. It's the only way that you'll find out what his intentions were.

    I like to think that he was drinking, probably out of a subconscious desire to be more comfortable around you but not necessarily get into your pants, and then it got away from him.

    He's probably a bit freaked out that it went so quickly.

    I bet he's just as confused as you are!

    Just go with the flow and see if he tries to initiate anything else.

    <3 Best of luck!

  4. I agree with Isobel, men tend to think very little about the meaning or hints behind little actions or what they say. However women tend to over analyse things.

    "Communication is the framework of a relationship".

    Good luck, I really hope it turns out well for you, keep us updated!

  5. Sounds like a fun night. :) Idk if I have any "good" advice... Maybe wait it out, see how things go on a friend-level. Sounds like he IS pretty into you, but just doesn't want to be tied down to a committed relationship. At least he was honest about that up front, I guess... Hope things work out well for you! <3

    Yeah the Palisades mall is fun. I didn't know you were near there--we should meet for shopping one day! :D

    Hope you have a good weekend. xoxo

  6. Men are a game. Unfortunately they almost never know what they want, especially not when it's right in front of them. Be a little stand-off-ish. Make him miss you, even if it's just a bit. Maybe he just needs to realize how amazing you are.