This is gonna be quick because my friend I'm staying with is waiting downstairs for me, but I don't wanna tell anyone about it who will wanna talk about it because I'm still kind of in shock and I'm upset and I just don't want to think about it.
H is married.
I saw him 3 months ago and he says nothing about it, and then I see him today and he's waving around his wedding band. And then he said, "my wife" and it felt even worse than I'd imagined it would.
I feel nauseas.
And to make matters worse I had to discover it at the very beginning of our visit, so I was probably acting weird throughout. It just... felt awkward. Like we don't kniw what to say to each other anymore. We'd been becoming friends for so long and now... I don't know.
Sometimes he'd look up and it would be just one of his usual looks of admiration I've been grateful to get to know. I mean, from what he said-- about my talent, my intelligence, etc.-- I know he thinks well of me and the way he pushed me to move forward with my dream and stop making excuses tells me that he still cares about me.
I just miss when he could show it more... like he used to. When she was girlfriends and fiancee...
I guess part of me never thought it would happen. He always expressed how trapped he felt; he used his job as an example, but it didn't seem like much had been making him happy lately. (this was in March)
And then he didn't seem any different today-- if anything, less satisfied with his life, which I hate. He has so much potential; he coud do ANYTHING, so I feel like he should be going out and DOING anything/ everything that he wants to do.
I really care about him.
Maybe it's the end-of-the-year stress, but I feel like he's just been becoming increasingly unhappy and I wish I could do something-- and I feel like if he let me in just a bit further, then maybe I could.
But I can't at a disastance. I can send him the occasional email that could cheer him up for MAYBE an hour, but that's not enough. I owe him so much.
He helped me. Now, I want to help him.
Does this sound childish? Illogical? I'm not really thinking straight right now, so I'm sorry if you read this and now wish you hadn't.
Gosh, I feel numb; it's been a while.