Saturday, June 11, 2011

Stuck at the airport

So, I'm finally heading back to my home state! At least, I should be but the flight's delayed. Storms, maybe? They haven't said...

So I thought I'd take this opportunity to post some thinspo since I'm not sure if I'll be able to this week (since I'll be staying with friends and that would really freak them out...). So here it is:

Wheee! So I've had, by my estimation, 1000 cal today... which means I'm done. Hopefully my dad won't try to take me out to dinner from the airport. Luckily, I have a good excuse: "I'm tired from traveling." And it's true... or at least it will be. I'm already kind of tired because I didn't really sleep last night because I was in a hotel and the pillows were too squishy. I swear I feel like I was being suffocated whenever I tried to lay on one of my sides.


So I went to sit down at my gate and I leaned my head back. Then I realized it was touching some strange man's head so I pulled it upright again. I guess I woke him up because I could see him from the corner of my eye looking around and looking really confused.


Damn my head hurts. It hurts a lot. I'm beginning to wonder if maybe I need to get my eyes checked...?

I'm thinking I might go back to where I go to college a month and a half early, because I can sublet a room for about $75/wk, and then I get to be on my own again, and hopefully get my eating firmly back on track before the year begins. I won't have much money, which will help...

And there's also a guy. He's gonna be a sophmore too and he's from the town so he's there. We hit it off at a party right after classes finished and danced all night. My friend's trying to get us together; she asked him (let's call him A) what was up with us and whether he was gonna ask me out, but he said it was too late in the year and it could only be painful since we'd be separated for months in less than a week.

Which I didn't like, but it's fair. BUT at least he expresssed interest. I don't think I've ever had a guy express so much interest... which is sad, I think, since I'm 19.

But, then again, I was (and still kind of am) in love with someone 13 years older than me for the last 2 years of high school so it's not like I was looking... or even making an effort with guys. Then I met a guy in college and learned how to talk to guys, etc.... but before that, I didn't really know. I could only talk to the older guy (let's call him H).

I'll hopefully get to see him this week. I hope I do, because above all, we're friends. And he's been wonderful to me.


Is this plane ever going to board? I'm gonna have to text my dad and he's gonna have a nervous breakdown because he HATES changes in plans. He's really inflexible and stressed out. It's sad because he's pretty old and I think he's too old to change.

Oh! So I have this friend who used to be anorexic (from 7th grade- high school) and I was one of her best friends so I was really worried about her but her mother was/ is still in denial. Anyway, she went to college a year early and seemed to gain some weight so I wasn't as worried for her for a while. I mean, she was so boney and she isn't naturally a small-bones person. It was sad and scary.... and it got to a point (when I gained puberty-weight in high school around junior year and REALLY felt I needed to lose weight) when I wasn't jealous of her body anymore... looking at her in a bkini made me feel kind of, well, sick. (And you guys KNOW I envy skinny bodies... but woah.)

Anyhow, apparently she's started drinking alot and then b/p-ing. I should have known she couldn't have gotten out of the woods so easily... but that's stupid to think about because I wouldn't have been able to stop it. I mean, I wouldn't let anyone stop me, and she's even more stubborn than I am! I mean, 5 years of eating scant amounts and I've lasted only a few months probably eating 2 or 3x of what she was eating.

I guess her mom told my mom... but she isn't concerned. She sent her off to see a therapist and seems to think that'll be the end of it. She really needs to connect the dots.

So next semester (I ended up at the same school she's at) and while I'm in our town, I'm going to make it my goal to be available for her. I'm gonna make sure I see her more, if nothing else just to show her that I still care about her and value of friendship. (We had a falling-out during high school. It's a long story.)

Knowing her (and I've known her for 10 years!) and understanding EDs, I think that's the best course of action.

But I don't know. Should I be doing more? I don't know WHAT but I don't know... given our history, I feel like I should.

Anyway, we're boarding now! I hope you all are having a great day.

And greetings, new follower! I can't see who you are (my comp is acting up), but you're awesome! :)


  1. jeez, I'm not sure what to do with your friend. My real life friends with EDs are really...I don't know. Difficult. I don't have any friends who are actively, openly pro-ana or mia (does anyone use those terms anymore?) so my friends who restrict or b/p are super secretive about it. But we gravitate towards one another. And then we silently push and trigger one another. It got so bad my freshman year of college that me and all my friends would sit together at every meal in the dining hall drinking black coffee and glasses of water and staring at each other in silence. Even though we worried about each other, no one could express that without having someone snap back, "why should I eat if you're not going to?"

    You know how it is I'm sure. When someone tells you they worry about you, that can so often be taken as a sign of success. But at the same time, if you can help her and talk to her about all the OTHER shit that comes with an ED, go for it. Lord knows we could all use someone caring about us. Just take care of yourself, you know?

  2. Hi! I remember you from back when I was Jacqueline on Until We Were Just Bone. I've since been reincarnated on Blogger, but I'm glad I came across your blog again... I really lost touch for a while during a treatment stint, and deleted my gmail account, so I lost the list of blogs I'd followed.

    Sounds like you're being a supportive friend, which is probably what she needs most. xx

  3. Safe trip! I hope everything with your friend goes ok, just be there for her when she needs it, you can't help someone who doesn't want help. Take care of yourself most importantly! xxx