purge-ish

So I'm staying at another family-friend's house now. I was with L for a night but I just couldn't take it. I don't mean to sound ungrateful, it's just that she gets very moody and stubborn, and I have plenty of other options where people are neither of those things.

Anyhow, I woke up this morning to some lovely stomach pain. I couldn't go back to sleep, so I went to the bathroom, and realizing that the pain was located in the stomach rather than the intestines (yay, EMT training! lol), decided that it would be best to vomit. So I made myself do that... and fairly easily. I hadn't done it since that stint back in March, but I guess it's kind of like riding a bike...

So, yeah. That made me feel better. (I think I had too much fiber yesterday.) So I went back to sleep and finally got some rest.

I had a dream about H. (I've been dreaming about him a lot lately...) I was back in high school, I think, and he asked me for my number so that we could have a phone conversation about some speech I was writing (the grad speech I gave, probably). So he called me that night and asked me to come meet some people, so I went with him to this restaurant, and sure enough, all these people were there. I wished they weren't, but I was gracious and friendly and didn't let on.

Then, we all went to sit down to have dinner (I think I had a curry dish) and suddenly, they all disappeared and it was just H and me. But then the wife appeared and then it suddenly became all about me meeting her. Again, I was gracious and friendly, but I didn't really like her. I agreed with a lot that she said, but she didn't seem genuine.

Then, I think she disappeared again, but I'm not sure. I feel like something good happened, for I wpke up hopeful, but I can't remember. I hope that I do...

It's that time of the month now, and a few days ago, when it was just starting, I weighed myself with my clothes on and was 103.4! Sooo, hopefully by the time I go back up to ctown and see A, I'll be 100.

And then I can take ballet!

And then I can lose a few more pounds and be in the double-digits by the start of the semester!

That would make me ridiculously happy, so hopefully that scale was accurate! My mom's sending mine to ctown, so I guess I'll find out when I get there, which is less than 10 days away!

Wow.

Anyhow, I know I saw this every post, but I need to get caught up on your blogs again. I'm sorry! I hope you guys are doing well though!

And welcome, new followers!!! I love seeing you guys on my dashboard!

That sounds weird...

Best,

K

happy

I love being here. These people really, truly feel like family.

They had a bbq yesterday and invited some extended family, and since my dad's away, I attended. It was wonderful. Everyone was so nice and welcoming and they all knew my mom since she's close with the mother.

The kids and I rode bikes. We rode all over the neighborhood-- up and down hills. My thighs hurt, but it was fun. I'd forgotten how much fun it is just to ride a bike. No destination.

Then there was vegan food. Couscous, some german potato salad. And corn. Corn is really wonderful isn't it? And watermelon. I've had more in the last two days than I had all last summer combined. I'm not sure why I didn't eat it more often...

Then the eldest daughter showed me how to make earrings. She's really very crafty. She reminds me of myself at that age. I love when she asks me for advice because I feel like I understand her, and thus am well equipped to help her.

I could live here forever and be happy. I really could.

At night we went and saw Super 8. It wasn't great, but it was cute. And Elle Fanning and the main boy were adorable!

And now all the kids are in school, so I'm sitting and typing and listening to music.

My old school is having its garduation in a few days, and I'm tempted to go. I wanna see if any of the speakers top my speech from last year.

And I kind of want to see H. Really badly, actually. Not to talk; just to see him. I don't know what good it would do if any...

Part of me wants to say I'm done with him and that place, but I'm not. Even if I don't see him, there are so many others there that I miss.

And I don't think I could NOT see him on a visit anyway. He's like a magnet. It really isn't fair.

Damn we had so many good times. Looking back, it's odd that we've come to this. But understandable. He was taken from the start (minus a dark month or two).

This all makes me feel so old.

I'm probably setting myself up for failure here, but I really wanna see him next year (in Novemeber or December, realistically) and shock him with my beauty. I know not what the result would be, or even what I'd want it to be. Maybe just a shock.

(Though throwing me up against the wall and... you know... would also be welcomed!)

Is that totally messed up?

In other news, I should now cross out smoking weed and smoking a cigar from that list thing I did last week, as I took part in both of those activities last Monday night. Remind me to tell you guys me weed story (it requires it's own separate post) because I think you may find it amusing. What I WILL say now is that when I choose to smoke again, I'll make sure to be with ONLY really good friends who know and accept my rather-frankness.

Yep.

Hope you all are doing well! I've noticed that many of you are losing like champs which is awesome! Keep it up, guys!!! :)

And welcome, my two lovely new followers!!!

P.S. I feel skinny-ish today for the first time in a month. And my stomach is pretty flat! Yay!!! Now, off to read...

-K

quick update

• I weighed myslef this morning fully clothed. 105.2 lbs. Hmpf.
• My friend I was staying with got annoying, so now I'm staying with some family friends. I love them. They're smart and sweet and the daughters are like the little sisters I never had. AAAND their house is awesome; I have my own room and bathroom. I could live here forever, I swear!
• I like bullet points. They get things done.
• I texted A the other day because my friend told me to. He still hasn't texted back. My other friend who was orignally trying to hook us up is now suggesting I move on. I don't want to move on! I already have to figure out how to move on from H (and I've been trying for 2 years... and failing, obviously) so I really can't deal with all this A crap. I mean, I thought we hit it off... and he was talking about asking me out! He's so, so shy... and kind of awkward, so maybe that's it? I guess I'll find out when I see him in two weeks...
• Speaking of which, I want my stomach erfectly flat by then, and my legs slimmer. I've just gotta stay on track...

Peace.

misc.

1. Yesterday I wasn't hungry. I had to eat a tortilla wrap, though, because my friend seemed really weirded out. And as I ate it, I felt like I'd needed it. So, yesterday's intake was 500 cal.
2. I weighed myself after taking a shower, wet, fully-clothed, and with a huge towel on my head. I was 106, which I was relieved about.
3. I feel less numb now. 
4. Check out Fed Up's "Lessons Learned" page. I'm finding it extremely helpful! http://insidetheotherme.blogspot.com/p/lessons-learned.html
5. Question: Has anyone been on lexapro and/ or wellbutrin and noticed weight loss or gain from either/ the combination of both?
6. I've decided to stay here until I head back up to CTown. Now all I have to do is call expedia.
7. I bought $90 worth of really cute clothes yesterday. They fit, but will look even better when I'm back in the double-digits.

Cheers, K

woes

This is gonna be quick because my friend I'm staying with is waiting downstairs for me, but I don't wanna tell anyone about it who will wanna talk about it because I'm still kind of in shock and I'm upset and I just don't want to think about it.

H is married.

I saw him 3 months ago and he says nothing about it, and then I see him today and he's waving around his wedding band. And then he said, "my wife" and it felt even worse than I'd imagined it would.

Ugh.

I feel nauseas.

And to make matters worse I had to discover it at the very beginning of our visit, so I was probably acting weird throughout. It just... felt awkward. Like we don't kniw what to say to each other anymore. We'd been becoming friends for so long and now... I don't know.

Sometimes he'd look up and it would be just one of his usual looks of admiration I've been grateful to get to know. I mean, from what he said-- about my talent, my intelligence, etc.-- I know he thinks well of me and the way he pushed me to move forward with my dream and stop making excuses tells me that he still cares about me.

I just miss when he could show it more... like he used to. When she was girlfriends and fiancee...

I guess part of me never thought it would happen. He always expressed how trapped he felt; he used his job as an example, but it didn't seem like much had been making him happy lately. (this was in March)

And then he didn't seem any different today-- if anything, less satisfied with his life, which I hate. He has so much potential; he coud do ANYTHING, so I feel like he should be going out and DOING anything/ everything that he wants to do.

I really care about him.

Maybe it's the end-of-the-year stress, but I feel like he's just been becoming increasingly unhappy and I wish I could do something-- and I feel like if he let me in just a bit further, then maybe I could.

But I can't at a disastance. I can send him the occasional email that could cheer him up for MAYBE an hour, but that's not enough. I owe him so much.

He helped me. Now, I want to help him.

Does this sound childish? Illogical? I'm not really thinking straight right now, so I'm sorry if you read this and now wish you hadn't.

Gosh, I feel numb; it's been a while.

Welcome back.

at peace

Remember my two best friends I was talking about? Well, they are B and C, to keep things simple/ anonymous.

Anyhow, I spent the night at C's last night with B, and we have had some crazy adventures. (hint: weed + H... but not at the same time. that'd be disasterous.) I WILL fill you in later though cuz it's pretty crucial stuff. ;)

So yeah... now I'm hear. I just had a healthy lunch of miso soup and avocado and cucumber rolls and now I'm eating blueberries and raspberries out of a small bowl while C's helping her mom make brownies.

I love being home.

I'm supposed to take a plane back to my fam's mid-western abode, but right now I'm thinking that I won't. I could easily stay here until the room in my college-town (hereafter referred to as collegetown or, simply, CTown) opens up in the beginning of July.

I mean, I already have plans! C + B are planning a trip to the beach on Saturday. I'm not happy with the way I look in a bikini yet, but maybe if I eat well for the next few days I'll look alright.

Besides, it actually sounds like fun! Like... I wanna go!

Weird.

Is this happiness, perhaps?

wheee!

Question: So where am I?

Answer: I'm at my dad's in the kitchen eating really cold grapes. Which some people consider negative calories, but I count them as 0.

I love fruit.

I forgot how nice it can be to stay here. My dad and his gf eat really healthy, and they live in a little city so they walk everywhere.

Yesterday we went into new york and walked for hours, just wandering. It was nice. I've missed the city so, so, SOOO much!!! I mean, it's my city. It WAS my city for 19 years... and kind of still is since I go to school upstate, but it used to be so close. I'd hop on a train and I'd be there.

I LOVE planes, but I shouldn't have to use one to get here, you know?

I love my mom and my brothers, but I'll never be able to live with them, really, again. I can't not live on a coast... especially my beloved east coast. Especially near/ in my beloved city.

This is turning out to be a bit of a love letter...

Anyhow, as we were walking around I realized that I never want to leave this area ever again. I mean, my school isn't too close, but it's an awesome school. The degree will do so much for me, and I love it! But I don't want my permanent abode to ever not be in the new york metropolitan area ever again. This is my home. It's where I grew up and where most of my friends are. San francisco, LA, DC, and Portland are cool, but I can't see myself living anywhere but here, really.

Which is kind of a revelation for me. Because now I'm thinking columbia (or nyu if I decide to pursue screenwriting of go for an mfa) for grad-school. And next summer I want to try to rent a place in the city. It won't be cheap so I'll have to find a job and start saving, but I think it'll be worth it. Even if it's only for a month.

And maybe I can get my 2 best friends to go in on it with me! It would be cheaper AND tons of fun!

I love them. I should be seeing them in less than an hour!!! I'm ridiculously excited. I haven't seen them in person since winter break!

I HATE that my mom and brothers don't live here anymore. It kills me. It makes me feel like someone punched me in th sternum.

But one of my brothers in having a tough transition, so I told him that if he wants to go to high school with his old friends, he can stay with me. That would be in five years, so I'd probably be in grad-school, but if he lived with me, my mom would have to help pay the rent.

And I adore him. He's an awesome kid. He's one of those low-maintenance middle-children. And so sweet. And never a trouble-maker.

And he wants to go to college where I do!!! How cute is that??? I love it. It means he looks up to me. AND it would be really cool if he went there... and he's definitely on track! He's ridiculously smart... like, genius-level, so if he keeps his grades up, he'll get in I bet!

I'm sorry for bragging, I'm just really proud of him. :)

Well, I've gotta go have breakfast and then it's off to stay with my lovely friends!!!

Have an awesome day, guys! :)

something fun

So I found this on A's blog http://beautyofbones27.blogspot.com/ and decided to give it a try because I want you guys to know more about me. Get a full picture. Etc.

strike out what you've done.

1. had sex
2. bought condoms (I've gotten them free at the college health place... not that I've had to use any)
3. gotten pregnant
4. failed a class
5. kissed a boy
6. kissed a girl
7. used a little paper bag for lunch (always and forever a lunchbox girl)
8. had a job (only babysitting occasionally)
9. slipped on ice
10. missed the school bus
11. left the house without my wallet/purse12. bullied someone on the internet
13. sexted
14. had sex in public
15. played on a sports team (field gockey and lacrosse, mostly. woo!)
16. smoked weed
17. smoked cigarettes
18. smoked a cigar
19. drank alcohol
20. watched “The Breakfast Club”
21. been overweight
22 been underweight.
23. had an eating disorder
24. been to a wedding
25. made fun of someone for being fat
26. been on the computer for 5 hours straight
27. watched tv for 5 hours straight
28. been late for work
29. been late for school
30. kissed someone in the rain
31. showered with someone else (not sexually. it was with a girlfriend)
32. failed my drivers test
33. ran a mile in less than 10 minutes
34. been outside my home country
35. been on a road trip longer than 5 hours
36. gotten my heart broken
37. had a credit card (but then my mom took it away because I was using it too much)
38. been to a professional sports game
49. broken a bone
40. been unhappy about my weight
41. won a trophy
42. cut myself
43. had an STD
44. got engaged
45. been on a diet
46. tried out to be on a tv show
47. rode in a taxi (I've lived near new york for all my life)
48. been to prom
49. played in a drinking game
50. stayed up for 24 hours or more
51. been to a concert
52. had a three-some
53. had a crush on someone of the same sex (only girl-crushes. like, "she's so darn cool, etc.!" not sure if that counts...)
54. been in a car accident (very minor and I wasn't driving)
55. had braces
56. learned another language (not incredibly successfully...)
57. killed an animal/bug
58. been at a yard sale
59. been to a japanese steakhouse
60. wore make up
61. talked to someone via webcam
62. lost my virginity before I was 16
63. had my wisdom teeth taken out
64. kissed someone a different race than myself
65. snuck out of the house
66. bought porn
67. had a virus on my computer
68. had oral sex
69. dyed my hair
70. gone skinny dipping
71. graduated from college (2014!!!)
72. wore someone else’s clothes
73. voted in a presidential election
74. rode in an ambulance (EMT class. nothing too exciting)
75. rode in a helicopter
76. caught the stove on fire
77. got in a verbal fight
78. been on vacation
79. been on an airplane (many, many times and I'm still OBSESSED with them!)
80. been on a boat
81. had surgery.
82. kissed someone before I was 14. (I was 4 lol)
83. beat a video game (only Master Hand on super smash bros...)
84. found something valuable on the ground
85. made a survey

86. stalked someone on facebook/myspace
87. prank called someone
88. been to a library outside of school
89. spent over $100 shopping in one day
90. cut my hair and hated it
91. peed outside
92. went fishing
93. helped with charity
94. taken a pregnancy test.
95. been rejected by a crush
96. been suspended from school
97. broken a mirror
98. faked sick from school (sooo many times!)
99. owned a pet
100. been to six flags

yay! so now you know a little bit more about me.

PS. welcome new followers!!! I love logging in and seeing your new, lovely faces!

Stuck at the airport

So, I'm finally heading back to my home state! At least, I should be but the flight's delayed. Storms, maybe? They haven't said...

So I thought I'd take this opportunity to post some thinspo since I'm not sure if I'll be able to this week (since I'll be staying with friends and that would really freak them out...). So here it is:

Wheee! So I've had, by my estimation, 1000 cal today... which means I'm done. Hopefully my dad won't try to take me out to dinner from the airport. Luckily, I have a good excuse: "I'm tired from traveling." And it's true... or at least it will be. I'm already kind of tired because I didn't really sleep last night because I was in a hotel and the pillows were too squishy. I swear I feel like I was being suffocated whenever I tried to lay on one of my sides.

Anyhow...

So I went to sit down at my gate and I leaned my head back. Then I realized it was touching some strange man's head so I pulled it upright again. I guess I woke him up because I could see him from the corner of my eye looking around and looking really confused.

Oops.

Damn my head hurts. It hurts a lot. I'm beginning to wonder if maybe I need to get my eyes checked...?

I'm thinking I might go back to where I go to college a month and a half early, because I can sublet a room for about $75/wk, and then I get to be on my own again, and hopefully get my eating firmly back on track before the year begins. I won't have much money, which will help...

And there's also a guy. He's gonna be a sophmore too and he's from the town so he's there. We hit it off at a party right after classes finished and danced all night. My friend's trying to get us together; she asked him (let's call him A) what was up with us and whether he was gonna ask me out, but he said it was too late in the year and it could only be painful since we'd be separated for months in less than a week.

Which I didn't like, but it's fair. BUT at least he expresssed interest. I don't think I've ever had a guy express so much interest... which is sad, I think, since I'm 19.

But, then again, I was (and still kind of am) in love with someone 13 years older than me for the last 2 years of high school so it's not like I was looking... or even making an effort with guys. Then I met a guy in college and learned how to talk to guys, etc.... but before that, I didn't really know. I could only talk to the older guy (let's call him H).

I'll hopefully get to see him this week. I hope I do, because above all, we're friends. And he's been wonderful to me.

blllllllllllllllluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggg

Is this plane ever going to board? I'm gonna have to text my dad and he's gonna have a nervous breakdown because he HATES changes in plans. He's really inflexible and stressed out. It's sad because he's pretty old and I think he's too old to change.

Oh! So I have this friend who used to be anorexic (from 7th grade- high school) and I was one of her best friends so I was really worried about her but her mother was/ is still in denial. Anyway, she went to college a year early and seemed to gain some weight so I wasn't as worried for her for a while. I mean, she was so boney and she isn't naturally a small-bones person. It was sad and scary.... and it got to a point (when I gained puberty-weight in high school around junior year and REALLY felt I needed to lose weight) when I wasn't jealous of her body anymore... looking at her in a bkini made me feel kind of, well, sick. (And you guys KNOW I envy skinny bodies... but woah.)

Anyhow, apparently she's started drinking alot and then b/p-ing. I should have known she couldn't have gotten out of the woods so easily... but that's stupid to think about because I wouldn't have been able to stop it. I mean, I wouldn't let anyone stop me, and she's even more stubborn than I am! I mean, 5 years of eating scant amounts and I've lasted only a few months probably eating 2 or 3x of what she was eating.

I guess her mom told my mom... but she isn't concerned. She sent her off to see a therapist and seems to think that'll be the end of it. She really needs to connect the dots.

So next semester (I ended up at the same school she's at) and while I'm in our town, I'm going to make it my goal to be available for her. I'm gonna make sure I see her more, if nothing else just to show her that I still care about her and value of friendship. (We had a falling-out during high school. It's a long story.)

Knowing her (and I've known her for 10 years!) and understanding EDs, I think that's the best course of action.

But I don't know. Should I be doing more? I don't know WHAT but I don't know... given our history, I feel like I should.

Anyway, we're boarding now! I hope you all are having a great day.

And greetings, new follower! I can't see who you are (my comp is acting up), but you're awesome! :)