101.2 and more photos

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!! I literally stepped on the scale and was like whaaa? And it took me a few seconds to realize that it was/ is a very good thing.

Less than 2 lbs 'til I'm back in the double digits! That's INSANE.

I CANNOT screw this up.

It's really, really hot here so I'm feeling pretty sluggish so how about we just move on to some photos?

Question: What do you think it means when a guy is more shy around you than other people?

Also, hellooo new followers!!! Welcome, welcome! <3

:) K

we're back!

First off, I just wanna say that YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME!!! Seriously. And now there are 2 more of you than when I last posted which is AWESOME and I'm just so glad that you guys are following and commenting and just being really cool cats. ;)

Sorry. Had to get a little gush-y for a second.

Now... A and I are back in action! Which I was really excited about and grateful for yesterday when I first saw him since Saturday and we talked normally... and today I'm still happy (because whenever we're having a good convo I'm happy!), but beginning to grow impatient again.

That seems to be what I do. Even if something is good, if it isn't good enough it needs to change. But usually when I try to change it, I just screw things up. (This applies to my eating as well.)

I have begun to realize, though, that when I'm at a good place anxiety and/ or depression-wise, this perfectionism becomes easier to control... and then I end up screwing up things much less. Ironic.

But I am an ironic person.

Anyhow, now that I'm done analyzing myself... that's what's up. I'm feeling all, I wanna beee with youuu. Which is totally gross... but totally true. I'm feeling sooo past talking in the kitchen with various third people always present.

I wanna go out, man! Out on the town! Have an actual reason to put on a dress kind of out. 


I hope he didn't mean it when he was all ehhh about dating someone in our organization. I hope he was just following J's lead...

And now my mind travels back in time to the after-party. It always seems to end up there... the beginning and the end.

Anyhow, I SHOULDN'T be impatient. I've began volunteering, so hopefully that will keep me sane(r)... otherwise, I'll have to give meditation or something a go or I will go INSANE... and/ or screw things up irreversibly this time.

I'm going to end this now, for these posts have become ridiculously long. Thinspo post to follow.

-K

Question remembered:

Have any of you ever done a (colon) cleanse?

I wanna try one before the summer's over, and I'm looking for suggestions!

(My body thanks you.)

:) K

Photo update: July 2011

I think I should do one of these every month, to keep track, etc.

Yep. That's me.

GAHHH! I had a question to ask you guys, but I forgot it. Maybe I'll write a little and see if I can remember it. I think it had something to do with grapes...

The A Thing:

So I didn't see him AT ALL yesterday (go me?), so I had some time to do some (over)analyzing. This is what I've come up with: he's acting weird because

1. he was interested, but my being a virgin freaked him out
2. " but my coming on so strongly(ish) freaked him out
3. " but he didn't appreciate hearing me insulting him loudly through the open kitchen window
4. " but my general awkwardness made him lose interest
5. any combo of #s 1-4
6. he never liked me, so it matters not

BUT I COULD HAVE SWORN HE DID!!! Arggg!

I mean, I guess he was SLIGHTLY snappish in general on Friday, so it is SLIGHTLY possible that he was just in a bad mood... but then again, it's possible that I, Kat not Jas, put him in that bad mood in the first place...

Oh, hey! And we got in trouble for being (and drinking) on the roof because the guy who kicked us off decided to be a little b!tch and tattle on us to the house director BEFORE even talking to us.

So yesterday I wake up from a relaxing nap to this little gem of an email:

A, J, Kat not Jas:

I am VERY disappointed about what happened a few nights ago. It was completely inappropriate and frankly it was rude and disrespectful. You know the house rules and have common sense. I didn't think it needed to be spelled out for you that the fire escapes are only to be used in emergencies, i.e. things like, you know, escaping fires. They are not there for recreational purposes, and A, there is a responsibility in having a room with a fire escape that I would have thought you could be counted on to handle. It's a shame all of you weren't more mature. Including you, J, an older Brother. 

This blatant disregard for the house, city, and landlord's rules, and disrespect for your House Manager and Brother, whose absence you clearly took advantage of, is extremely insulting. Not only that, but you were thoughtless and it's almost a slap in the face to all your Brothers in [our organization]. You all know that the previous long term renter's of our house put it on a police watch list due to reckless behavior. That is one of the reasons why, as you all also know, there is no drinking outside the house, like on the porch. Let alone on the roof. If the police had seen you, or our landlord had found out, can you not imagine any potential consequences? Does that seem like the kind of problem a landlord cares to have to deal with of their tenants, especially in a town when there is no shortage of demand so there would surely be hardly a difficulty in finding other tenants? You are looked at as [our organization]. It is [our organization] who rents the house, not individuals. So the actions of the individuals in the house reflect as [our organization] to our landlord. It is the actions of the individuals who effect the relationship with the landlord and the renewing of our lease each year so that [our organization] continues to have a house.

All of this in addition to the obvious fact that it was dangerous, especially while drinking, and any of you could have easily gotten hurt. All it would have taken was one slip of your footing. 

It has also not been lost on me that you may have initially tried to ignore, feign ignorance of, or avoid responsibility in regards to [little b!tch who told on us] finding you there and his response. I hope that this further disrespect of another Brother is not true. And I expect no ill will from any of you towards him in the future as a reaction to his actions about this. 

I hope that I can trust that there won't be more behavior like this from the three of you.

Yeeeah.

Ok, it wasn't the best idea that we ever had, but there's A LOT of sh!t wrong with this. Like, for instance, hr assumption that I was aware of any house rules. Ummm... no? I heard that the room was opening up, I fb messaged the guy, we decided on a price, and he told me what day to come.

That's it. C'est tout.

So no, I'm NOT feigning ignorance, thank you very much. Maybe I should have assumed that the roof was off-limits, but EVERYONE who has a roof like ours in this town chills on it.

Also, I love how she talks about drinking outside being a non-no when that's EXACTLY what the guy who found us did on his bday. Should I email her and tell her that HE wasn't obeying the rules? No. Because I'm not five!

But I think my favorite part is that she seems to believe that this involved some forethought-- that we waited til the House Manager was gone AND THEN went on the roof. F*ck no. We would have gone anyway because none of us remember/ know the rules and because it was a completely spur of the moment thing.

I'm just really angry, and frankly disappointed, that the guy who found us didn't at least wait until the morning and talk to us first. When he said he'd sent an email, I thought he'd sent just a general reconstruction of what happened so that she could send out a general email to everyone (which she did 5 hours she sent this gem to us) to tell us not to do this.

But, no. He goes and names names.

If he was TRULY only worried about our safety, why would he HAVE to do this? Now we're all pissed  and in bad standing with the house director, so thanks. Next semester's gonna be fun.

Again, it was NOT the smartest move, but it's summer and we attend one of the most intense and stressful colleges in the country and we wanted to have fun and do something just a teensy bit out there. We didn't mean any harm.

Ugh, guys. I'm sorry I keep dumping all this stuff on you guys! This can't be fun to read. Hopefully things will start looking up...

And I still can't remember what I was gonna ask you. :'(

Hey! Here's a good thing: all this stress has triggered some of my stomach issues and made me not hungry. So I've been eating about 800 cal... and I'm pretty much force-feeding myself because I'm paranoid that my metabolism is gonna shut down and I'll end up gaining weight in a few weeks...

So, yeah. That's my story!

How are you guys?

-K

ps. Welcome, new followers!!! I can't believe there are over 70 of you! That's crazy! Love you all <3

Too much

I just saw A pulling out of the driveway, a girl in the passenger seat.

And she isn't me.

Do you ever ask yourself how the hell it is that you got to a certain point, only to look back and say, "oh yeah." That's me right now.

You see, things were going pretty well: we were slowly moving forward-- ie. having actual conversations. And then, as you know, I started to get impatient, because that's what I do when things are going well. I want them to be going even BETTER, and start speeding up and taking shortcuts... and eventually ending up worse off than when I started. (I think that's what happens with my weightloss, too.)

So, Tuesday night we went mini-golfing with 2 of our friends/ housemates, one of whom is a female, J. I really like J. She's loads of fun, and she's a year older than me so she's great to go to for advice. I didn't, however, like seeing A flirting with J. I mean, it's not like it was really obvious or anything; we were all just kind of goofing off, but I'm a jealous person, and I'd never seen him flirt with anyone before. I didn't even know that he could! With me, he was all shy, but with her he seemed confortable. So that was a bit of a downer.

Then, Wednesday comes. J and I are in the kitchen at like 11 pm hanging out and laughing like we usually do (I really do like this girl. She's sweet, but she can also be visciously funny!), and A comes in. So the 3 of us are chatting for a few minutes and then he asks us if we want to go on the roof (his room has access). Obviously, we're like f*ck yeah! (I swear, this girl brings out this fun, wild side of me that I never knew was there and now never want to part with.) So, we grab some alcohol and some glasses and head up...

THE ROOF STORY:

It's pretty damn eventful, so I won't include everything. (Not that I could, as some of it has slipped my mind...)

Anyhow, we climb onto the roof, sit on a tarp, and start drinking. They have regular glasses and both only fill it up once, and I have a shot glass, which I fill up 3 times. (Which is a mistake because I'm a super lightweight, but it was just one of those nights when I wanted to get drunk, because I wanted to feel comfortable and loose, and I don't drink often, so I thought I deserved it.)

So we're sitting and talking and then we're lying down and talking and then we get cold so the three of us are lying under a blanket (the thing completely covering us) talking. And as time goes by, they get looser, and I get somewhat drunk.

A's in the middle, and first a start kind of stroking his hair and then J and I are resting our heads on his shoulders, and at various points I'm either holding his hand, running my fingers down his chest, or rubbing his jaw. (Yep.)

Anyhow, we, being horny college kids, of course end up talking about sex and hooking up and I learn a lot of very interesting things, but these really stand out:

• A wanted to watch J and I hookup/ was interested in having a threesome with us (which, frankly, surprised the crap out of me-- not that he wanted it, but that he was admitting it, because he's usually ridiculously quiet)
• A isn't a virgin (which at first disappointed me, but now I kind of like it)
• he's iffy about dating someone in the organization we're all in, but he would totally hook up
• he thinks (says) that J and I are 2 of the most attractive girls in the organization

Now, of course, it wasn't just him talking; there was some back-and-forth. So here are some gems that I divulged:

• I'm a virgin who's ready to burst
• I think his older brother (also in the organization, though I haven't met him yet) is hot
• I think A's the most attractive person in the organization
• I don't think I'm very pretty (which guys obviously LOVE to hear. not.)
• and I'm pretty sure I hinted not so discreetly that I want to have sex with him

Yeah.

Now, I'm sure this will be HILARIOUS in time, but it's a bit too fresh now.

That isn't all though! The person whose room we were lounging in front of made us leave, and I was really dizzy so A had to HELP me up to his window (and guys LOVE drunk girls. not.) and then A and J held my hands all the way downstairs to my room and then they tucked me into bed.

Yep. Like they're my freakin' parents.

I got up a few minutes later to go to the bathroom and heard A talking in J's room, but on the way back, he was gone. (I don't know what this means, but it makes me paranoid.)

END OF ROOF STORY

The next morning: I see A when we're having breakfast and I apologize for being awkward the night before (according to my friend, I was supposed to pretend nothing had happened. go me.), and then tell him that if there's a next time we're on the roof together I promise not to molest him (I think I actually used that word too. what a winner).

Then we have our own days, blah blah. J tells me not to worry, that I didn't do anything too embarassing and that tucking me in was "cute," but she's nice so I'm not sure if I believe her... But A comes home and we're all in the kitchen talking and joking around like always, and I swear that when we're standing next to each other and he looks at me, his eyes are sparkling. (pupil dilation? that would be most welcome!)

Then A's supposed to come with the group I'm going with to the HP midnight showing, and we got tickets for a separate theatre. He backs out last minute since he has work the next morning and I try to act cool but I think it was obvious that I'm upset. Then, as we're driving away, I ask loudly why A is "being such a douche" and then realize the window of the car and the room he was just in are open. (aweeesome.)

The next day: It's our friend's bday, so we're going to a dinner for him. I'm nervous about seeing A because I fear he might have heard me not-so-nice exclamation and/ or be freaked out by the fact that I'd really wanted him to come. He texts me around 6 asking a question about gifts, so I think that maybe we're cool, but when he gets to the restaurant, it's pretty obvious that we're not. We sit next to each other and he can hardly look at me or talk to me (and I'm having a similar problem). I mean, we manage a few short but flirty-ish exchanges, but the whole thing is just so awkward.

A few hours later, we head out to a party. We're standing on the porch talking to separate people (I'm talking to a guy and debating about anthropology and A seems to be glancing at me), and then they leave. So I step over to him and start a convo and it's still pretty awkward, but alright, and we have a few more flirty exchanges, but it's obvious that he's uncomfortable (and I am too, since he is).

Then we all go to play Kings and he leaves. As I'm walking back with a guy from the house, I notice his light is on, and consider going up under the pretense of getting my shotglass back, but decide against it.

So, right now I'm giving him space, at the sage advice of my friend, because he's probably (rightfully) kind of freaked out right now. I saw him briefly this afternoon. He was heading out the door with some friends and saw each other and waved at the same time. Very casual. Casual cool. Etc.

And I'm gonna stick with it, because now is the time when damage control, I think (hope), is possible. And because he's such a nice guy and doesn't deserve to be freaked out.

But still, seeing him in that car with that girl (even though I think/ hope she's just a friend) hurts, because I'm worried that by coming to ctown and acting like a freak I've ruined any chance I ever had of being that girl driving in the car with him.

:'(

103.2

Thank goodness. Really. I think taking the vitamin C and alternating between drinking yerba mate and green tea in the morning is helping. (knock on wood!)

To keep from getting discouraged, I've decided to only weigh myself once a week, after a good day (calorie-wise) and a good sleep.

Now I've got about 40 days and 4 pounds to lose. I NEED TO DO THIS!

Any tips?

Has anyone seen Harry Potter? I went last night at midnight and it was FANTASTIC! I don't cry during movies (except Toy Story 3), but I cried several times during it.

And at the end I was bawling!

Crazy, crazy night.

Also, I believe I have a new follower. Welcome, welcome!!! :)

-K

phone call

So yesterday I was talking to madre, and she was getting kind of frustrated because I was being kind of vague about my plans to visit and so it just kind of slipped out: I told her about A. I didn't intend to, but at the same time I wanted her to know. I mean, my mom's pretty awesome. She's like a friend to me.

So of course she immediately understood. And I was feeling pretty good. And then she had to go all parental and told me to "be safe."

First off, we're nowhere NEAR that point. We haven't even been on a date. We, like, just figured out how to somewhat-flirt with each other.

And second, I SOOO do not want to talk to her about that. Ever. She's cool and I'll talk to her about my relationships, but never about THAT.

(Sidenote: I was at the campus health center this morning and I DID pick up a couple of complimentary condoms. Just in case. Boy is my mom good at getting into my head!)

^^^ huh. These actually kind of work as a collection.

Anyway, then our convo ended up heading in another direction: to H. She knows him somewhat because she's met him on multiple occasions, and she just gets people like him.

Anyhow, she started talking about how he was smitten with me and how she'd been able to tell from the start.

And how when I called him on it in a poem I wrote and read at a rather large gathering, he was embarassed but it made him even more interested.

And she's not a bullsh*tter.

So, in way, this kind of made my life. I mean, it was nice to get some confirmation that I'm NOT crazy, and that this thing-- whatever it was/ is-- was, indeed, two-sided. And that such a handsome and wonderful guy could have interest in me.

But I also wish I'd known this before-- when he was somewat available. I was too young, that's true, but what if I could have done something?

I'm glad we had that conversation, though. I'm glad I know.

And now I have A to work on. Good ol' age-appropriate A, with whom I'M smitten. With whom I'm seeing a movie tomorrow (even though it's not a date), and who, in his shy, little way, has expressed interest. I think. (Though obviously I was underestimating H's interest. I always assumed he just thought I was kind of cute and pretty interesting.)

Gosh, I'm nervous.

He's leaving on a short trip in a couple of weeks, so I wanna make a move. And since I've become a somewhat impatient person, I want to make a move NOW. (aka either tomorrow at/ before the movie or Friday when we're supposedly gonna be drinking)

ANY TIPS???

I really, really like him. I mean, I think I'll always have SOME feelings for H, and if in the future we're ever both single...

But he's no longer the priority. And that, I think, makes all the difference.

-K

to itunes... and quickly!

The free song of the week, Suitcases by Dara Maclean, is one that I'm finding quite (th)inspirational at the moment. :)

Check it out!

-K

EDIT: It's not the free song anymore. I apologize.

home-ish

First, a question: What's the most accurate scale you've used? I'm looking for a new one, because the one I stole from home is pretty old for an electronic (7? 8 years?) and the one here looks even older.

Any recommendations would be AMAZING! 

Now, onto some news...

I haven't been able to post for a while due to my hectic house-hopping schedule, but now I'm in ctown and have been for a week. And it feels good! It's nice to finally be able to unpack and put my suitcase away... I finally feel secure. Like... I'm sitting in this room I'm renting in this house of this organization I'm involved in, and for the next month, it's MINE. I'm paying for it-- well, I'm TRYING to but the job hunt isn't going so well... But it's mine. I'm independent here. I can come and go as I please and I take care of my own meals (I'VE MISSED THIS SO MUCH).

I mean, I miss my family of course. I love them. But right now I can't be with them. I hadn't had time to process what a change it would be, so when I got to their new abode... I just couldn't handle it. Next time, I'll need to be ready. (And now my mom's guilting me into coming back next month which is superb...)

By Thanksgiving, I think I will be.

But right now, I'm so happy to be where I am. I LOVE this place. I love my university and I love the town where it's in. At the very least, I'd like to reture here, because it's just the coolest place. EVeryone is really artsy and relaxed and vegetarian or vegan (!!!), so I feel like I fit here. I walk into town and I feel like I'm with people I understand.

Though some people are pretty out there. ;)

But, yeah. Aside from the occasional boredom (most people in the house are taking classes or working during the day), I'm having the best time! I really am...

And it's definitely a plus that A's here. I feel like we're already more comfortable with each other, and we've gone out in a group, which is kind of the first step to dating, right? 

Tonight we're mini-golfing with a couple of ther people, and on Thursday we're going to see HP with a group, but we'll be in a separate theatre from everyone else (because we bought our tickets later... but I'm certainly not complaining!). 

He's shy, so I've been learning how to make the first move/ initiate conversations with him (which, being a shy gal myself, is really good for me), and I think I'm helping to ease both of us into the idea that we could date/ be a couple.

And the best thing is that I think he might be interested! (fingers crossed)

Cliffnote version of a long-ish story: he thought I was asking him to come to a movie with him and he looked really disappointed because he was supposed to be homeward-bound before that.

I just really want this to work out, because I think that it could. It's just difficult sometimes for me to figure out what's too forward (I'm pretty sure I haven't crossed that line yet haha) and what isn't quite forward enough for a shy guy like him.

Any tips? On this or the scale!

And now, I have a LOT of catching up to do on your wonderful blogs!

:) K

103.6 this morning. Im relieved; my weight is going down, at least. and I did well yesterday: 900 cal, which officially makes up for fridays disaster.

fun fact: taking  500mg of vitamin c a day can help you burn 39% more fat during workouts. needless to say, Im gonna start taking some asap.

anyhow, Im on the bus to ctown right now. Im nervous because I dont really know the people there except A and... well, yeah. BUT Im excited to hopefully make some new friends and maybe finally get something going with A.

in short, ctown is FILLED with possibilities, but it  is up to ME to get things going. that puts some pressure on me, i feel like if im calm, i can handle it.

though that could just be because i took a sedative this morning. oy vay.

i hope you guys are well! i shall catch up on your blogs upon my arrival.

:) K

blurg. i weighed in @ 105 with my clothes on yesterday and 104 this morning. im supposed to be approaching 100! grrr...

i need to be good today.

I just purged. a lot. more than I ever have before. it took 49 min.

I just couldnt resist. I was out fairly late last night and I feel like being tired had a negative impact on my willpower.

But I think I got it up so I think Im only a bit over my deficit.

I dont mean to be so gloom and doom though. Ive had a great couple of days! I was staying with some more family friends and one of them is my age. weve had a pretty long history, and its nice that we can just sort of pick up where we left off.

anyhow, atm Im babysitting and then Im going back to Ls house for two nights and then Im leaving for ctown. Im nervous as hell for that. I mean, Im gonna be living with this guy. he will most likely see me without my  makeup, hear mej go to the bathroom...
j
its just very... foreign to me, living with a guy like that. Ive only lived with my brothers. and what if he doesnt like me any more? what if he never did in the first place.

I could have sworn he did but now c keeps telling me to move on. did I tell you that? well, I dont want to. I wanna get what I want!

and I wanna be 100 by the time my scale arrives. thats sooo happening. Ive decided not to spend any money theere that I didnt make.

should be interesting... well see.

48 hours.