let's talk about A

So I just realized that my last post was probably an incoherent mess, so I'm going to expand here on something (someone) that's (who's) important to me right now:

A.

That sounds bad... and is also misleading because I have PLENTY of other things on my plate (like writing a thesis, finding a job/ applying to grad school, finishing up some last-minute requirements so that I can graduate in the spring, freaking out because I'm graduating this spring,...) but he's been someone important in my life for a while.

A quick refresher: we hooked up almost two years ago after knowing each other for a couple of months. He didn't want a relationship; I thought I did. Cool. It was weird for a bit, and then we slowly (SLOWLY) started to become pretty good friends.

Meanwhile, about two semesters later--this part winter-ish--he started hooking up someone else (a mutual 'friend'). I wasn't too pleased about this, and I think that's why I started liking that other guy last semester. They became somewhat official (which everyone--not just me--found really weird because they don't go together at all or seem to particularly like each other...?), and at the same time, the girl was becoming fairly good friends with the guy I was crushing on, and (as I recently found out from when we spent a day together this summer) he liked her but she obviously wasn't in a position to return his feelings (though she hinted that she DID have some interest in him and perhaps still does...).

Then the summer came. She and I were in the city; he stayed at school. She got busy with her job, and he called a break because (according to her) she wasn't calling him enough. BUT guess who she was skyping with on a fairly regular basis? The guy I decided I had a crush on last semester! (Like, girl, you need to sort out your priorities.)

And she told me all of this when we were hanging out! Like, we're not great friends or anything, so I wouldn't have expected her to reveal so much. She also made a point, a few times, to point out how compatible A and I are as people or whatever. Like, she'd be like: "Oh, A likes that kind of food too. You guys have really similar food preferences..." and stuff like that. And she said it almost as if she hadn't realized it before. Like she hadn't realized that there's a reason why we get along and why we were (briefly) interested in each other.

And then she referred to me as an ex. Which is interesting because everything she knows about what happened between A and me, she learned from him...

Then, about a month later (about a week and a half ago), my job ended and I headed back to school. I texted A on my way there to ask if he was in town, and he told me he was and suggested we get dinner. We ended up hanging out and chatting for a bit and then we ran into more people and then we headed back to our house (yes, A and I live in the same house at school haha) and hung out more and drank and a bunch of us went to a party and it was really fun! We didn't get tons of alone time that night, but it just felt completely comfortable between us. And then as we were heading upstairs to go to sleep we gave each other a high five that turned into this weird hand-holding/ hand-squeezing thing which was weird because we usually tended to avoid contact.

Then the next day we hung out in a group or whatever and it was fun. I mentioned to him that I had bought a bottle of wine a while ago, and he was all, "we should drink it sometime." So I texted him the next evening and asked if that was something he'd be interested in doing. And he said yes and invited me to come to his room and listen to music with him. So I brought the wine and we ended up listening to music and talking and drinking the whole bottle. We made plans for when I return and discussed how we both intend to be in the city after graduation. I told him that I feel like he's someone I just get, but that I never know what he's thinking, and said he feels the same way. We hugged before we said goodnight.

The next night, I really wanted to go to a bar since I hadn't really been out since I turned 21; it was a weeknight and he works every day, but he accompanied me anyway. We drank a decent amount and talked for about 4 hours. I mentioned that I'm not as brave or forward as I used to be (i.e. 2 years ago when we hooked up) and he said either that he needs or wants a girl to make a first move (I can't remember which). Then we went back to the house and he helped me carry something up to my room and it was ridiculously messy so I felt really awkward/ embarrassed. We chatted for a few minutes and hugged and he told me to have a safe trip and that's the last I saw of him.

However, we have definite plans for Saturday night upon my return and tentative plans for the rest of the summer/ life. And I think we'll be the only two people in the house for a little while (maybe a week?). So I'm really not looking forward to the semester starting and having people come back and interfere or whatever.

And for that girl to come back... because I fear they'll get back together out of habit/ because it's easy or simple or whatever. And that would be incredibly painful for me. So I'm really trying not to get my hopes up, because that could easily happen/ he could view me as just a friend.

If I were a different girl, I'd totally mention that she's been skyping the guy I liked in attempt to break them up for good (and because A doesn't deserve that; he deserves someone who will care about him enough to at least set aside a couple of minutes every few days to give him a call--like, come one, it's not that hard). But I'm too nice/ chicken/ smart/ stupid and I desperately want to believe that things will work out the way they're supposed to.

So I guess I'll just go back and (clean my room and start doing thesis homework and do yoga and go to the gym and) spend more time with A and maybe try to drop some hints if it ever seems like a good time. And try not to give into the feeling of dread that tells me that whatever is happening between A and me has a quickly-approaching expiration date.

104 lbs, 10.8% fat

so by my calculaions I'm holding onto an extra 10 pounds that aren't really necessary...

fascinating.

anyhow, this is pretty sub-par and tomorrow I MUST be back into the 103s or I'm going to have a meltdown. Seriously.

 was thinking about when I left for college... I was 96 pounds then! And a whole lot of that was muscle. I NEED to get back to that. I can't be one of those freshman 15 stereotypes.

so I'm going to get back to that. By April. By the Yule Ball. (Yes, Harry Potter fans. The YULE-frickin'-BALL!!! <3) There will be dresses and cameras and therefore I need to look fabulous. Amazing.

And what if D is there? Perhaps I can win him once and for all!

(I saw him, by the way. Very briefly, but it was nice. And he smelled really good)  ;)

P.S I WILL catch up on all of your blogs! I'm sensing a free afternoon today... :)

P.P.S please remind me to NEVER eat dried fruit ever again. It tastes good, but it reeks so much havoc; it simply isn't worth it.

Introductions over a cup of tea

Hello (or "Bonjour"-- my french TA would be proud)! I'm Kat, and I have an eating disorder. EDNOS to be precise, though anorexia has never been far away and I've had occasional affairs with bulimia (especially exercise bulimia... which I kind of worship).

I've had an ED since my sophmore year of high school (that's when I began to restrict... but I'd been having what I like to call "fat feelings" since my freshman year, though I must have been 90-something pounds). That year, I also began to have reactions to wheat and dairy products so I cut those out of my diet for about 4 months... and ended up in the low-80s.

I was miserable (anxiety/ depression, which I was subsequently medicated for), but I was skinny. So skinny.

Then, like some twisted miracle, I could eat these things again! Thus, during my junior year I gained weight. I probably got up to the low-100s, but that felt high enough. I became a vegetarian in the middle of the year, and I was pleased to see my weight stabilize (though, to be clear, I became a vegetarian for the ANIMALS and not for weight loss), but I needed it lower so I started restricting again...

And I restricted into my senior year, and many days I actually felt like I was looking good! Not great, but good! Then, I became a vegan that February (for the animals... I read Skinny Bitch and it just about broke my heart) and I began to feel even better about myself-- inside (probably because of the lack of dairy) and out. It was wonderful.

And my weight slipped down, from the high 90s to the mid 90s to the low 90s... And then I was off to college (or "university" as most of the world seems to call it), and I'd last weighed in at 93.

Ah, the good ol' days.

I just finished my first semester at said college. It's extremely competitive and sells scrumptious vegan cookies... BUT the dining halls are committed to offering healthy vegan options and I walk at least a couple of miles up and down hills everyday getting to and from class.

But, alas, when I left to come home after winter break I was a whopping 102 lbs.

And I'm 5'2. I'm SHORT... so this weight is not nearly as low as it seems. In fact, it's happily settled in the "normal" BMI range, which is not where I want to be.

Well, it appears I've finished my tea, so I suppose this introduction is over. However, you're free to ask my any questions you have (comment or email me at karnii@live.com).

Also, feel free to check out the blog that I started... my junior year? Sophmore?

http://toastick.wordpress.com/

A demain,

Kat