let's talk about A

So I just realized that my last post was probably an incoherent mess, so I'm going to expand here on something (someone) that's (who's) important to me right now:

A.

That sounds bad... and is also misleading because I have PLENTY of other things on my plate (like writing a thesis, finding a job/ applying to grad school, finishing up some last-minute requirements so that I can graduate in the spring, freaking out because I'm graduating this spring,...) but he's been someone important in my life for a while.

A quick refresher: we hooked up almost two years ago after knowing each other for a couple of months. He didn't want a relationship; I thought I did. Cool. It was weird for a bit, and then we slowly (SLOWLY) started to become pretty good friends.

Meanwhile, about two semesters later--this part winter-ish--he started hooking up someone else (a mutual 'friend'). I wasn't too pleased about this, and I think that's why I started liking that other guy last semester. They became somewhat official (which everyone--not just me--found really weird because they don't go together at all or seem to particularly like each other...?), and at the same time, the girl was becoming fairly good friends with the guy I was crushing on, and (as I recently found out from when we spent a day together this summer) he liked her but she obviously wasn't in a position to return his feelings (though she hinted that she DID have some interest in him and perhaps still does...).

Then the summer came. She and I were in the city; he stayed at school. She got busy with her job, and he called a break because (according to her) she wasn't calling him enough. BUT guess who she was skyping with on a fairly regular basis? The guy I decided I had a crush on last semester! (Like, girl, you need to sort out your priorities.)

And she told me all of this when we were hanging out! Like, we're not great friends or anything, so I wouldn't have expected her to reveal so much. She also made a point, a few times, to point out how compatible A and I are as people or whatever. Like, she'd be like: "Oh, A likes that kind of food too. You guys have really similar food preferences..." and stuff like that. And she said it almost as if she hadn't realized it before. Like she hadn't realized that there's a reason why we get along and why we were (briefly) interested in each other.

And then she referred to me as an ex. Which is interesting because everything she knows about what happened between A and me, she learned from him...

Then, about a month later (about a week and a half ago), my job ended and I headed back to school. I texted A on my way there to ask if he was in town, and he told me he was and suggested we get dinner. We ended up hanging out and chatting for a bit and then we ran into more people and then we headed back to our house (yes, A and I live in the same house at school haha) and hung out more and drank and a bunch of us went to a party and it was really fun! We didn't get tons of alone time that night, but it just felt completely comfortable between us. And then as we were heading upstairs to go to sleep we gave each other a high five that turned into this weird hand-holding/ hand-squeezing thing which was weird because we usually tended to avoid contact.

Then the next day we hung out in a group or whatever and it was fun. I mentioned to him that I had bought a bottle of wine a while ago, and he was all, "we should drink it sometime." So I texted him the next evening and asked if that was something he'd be interested in doing. And he said yes and invited me to come to his room and listen to music with him. So I brought the wine and we ended up listening to music and talking and drinking the whole bottle. We made plans for when I return and discussed how we both intend to be in the city after graduation. I told him that I feel like he's someone I just get, but that I never know what he's thinking, and said he feels the same way. We hugged before we said goodnight.

The next night, I really wanted to go to a bar since I hadn't really been out since I turned 21; it was a weeknight and he works every day, but he accompanied me anyway. We drank a decent amount and talked for about 4 hours. I mentioned that I'm not as brave or forward as I used to be (i.e. 2 years ago when we hooked up) and he said either that he needs or wants a girl to make a first move (I can't remember which). Then we went back to the house and he helped me carry something up to my room and it was ridiculously messy so I felt really awkward/ embarrassed. We chatted for a few minutes and hugged and he told me to have a safe trip and that's the last I saw of him.

However, we have definite plans for Saturday night upon my return and tentative plans for the rest of the summer/ life. And I think we'll be the only two people in the house for a little while (maybe a week?). So I'm really not looking forward to the semester starting and having people come back and interfere or whatever.

And for that girl to come back... because I fear they'll get back together out of habit/ because it's easy or simple or whatever. And that would be incredibly painful for me. So I'm really trying not to get my hopes up, because that could easily happen/ he could view me as just a friend.

If I were a different girl, I'd totally mention that she's been skyping the guy I liked in attempt to break them up for good (and because A doesn't deserve that; he deserves someone who will care about him enough to at least set aside a couple of minutes every few days to give him a call--like, come one, it's not that hard). But I'm too nice/ chicken/ smart/ stupid and I desperately want to believe that things will work out the way they're supposed to.

So I guess I'll just go back and (clean my room and start doing thesis homework and do yoga and go to the gym and) spend more time with A and maybe try to drop some hints if it ever seems like a good time. And try not to give into the feeling of dread that tells me that whatever is happening between A and me has a quickly-approaching expiration date.

8/7/13

Gah. I love american apparel. And Bunny Holiday, though I can't say I completely understand her.

Last I checked (which was maybe a few weeks ago?), I was 113. My goal is stilll to get down to 110 by the time the semester starts (which is exactly 3 weeks from now= I need to lose a pound a week).

I'm with my family right now, eating well for the most part; on the way here, I stopped back at school for a few days (to drop stuff off, etc.) and A was there (remember him?) and we hung out every day and drank and it was wonderful (and I realized that I still have plenty of feelings for him...blah), but alcohol= calories so those few days weren't great. And I'm headed back again on Saturday, so I need to a) keep my calories in check and b) figure out what the hell is going on with us.

I hope this all makes sense; I'm really tired.

Also my knee still hurts which really sucks because I want to start going to yoga again asap!

Umm...

My internship ended on a great note. I was sad to leave, and they were sad to see me go. If they have an opening after I graduate, I think they'll definitely consider me... which is awesome because a) money and b) I don't feel like going to or applying to grad school. And also my best friends are all planning on being in the city after graduation, so that would be awesome.

I'm boring.

I hope you're all well!

-K

7/6/13

I weighed myself on Thursday. 112 again. Could be worse since last week was so crappy but I want to start losing again! Like, come on now. Somehow I did this before-- exactly 4 years ago. How did I do it? I wish I had my old exel documents from the time so that I could see how much I was eating. Maybe I sent them to myself at some point...?

Anyhow, I did alright this week considering the holiday/ the day after which most us had off from work so it turned into holiday part 2 (alcohol):
M- 1200
Tu- 1200
W- 1100
Th- 2000
F- 2300
And today is looking like it's going to be 1400 which is meh. But it's better than what it was most days during the semester so I'm ok with it.

-K

7/2/13

So I totally left out some very crucial information in my update: I busted my knee running in January. Then I started running again and it came back last month (yay) so exercising has been a challenge. I've been taking multiple ibuprofen a day and my knee is usually sore/ tired by the end of the day just from walking. Ugh. My goal is to be better by September when my unlimited yoga thing resumes. Crossing my finger big time.

Anyhow, I'm really nervous to weigh myself this week because of a) last week's disappointment and b) the days with my mom. But I've been eating 1200 a day for the most part and I started recording my daily totals in an excel document again (and it feels SO GOOD like welcome back, friend!). But maybe I should wait until next week? I'm afraid that if I'm up to 114 or something I'll flip out.

I don't know.

Anyhow, pictures:

Also, I've recently discovered that I thoroughly enjoy hanging out with my guy friends ESPECIALLY if I'm the only girl. I'm not sure why. I just feel... less stressed? More comfortable? It probably has something to do with the fact that on some level girls are almost always in competition (maybe guys are too; I don't know). At least, that's what I've found to be true.

Anyhow, happy short work-week, Americans!

-K

7/1/13

In the city

So I've been here for a month, working and doing all that fun stuff. I finally weighed myself right before I left to come here and I was 114. And then I weighed myself last week (3 weeks later) and I was 111 on a fairly full stomach, so I was pretty psyched about that since my first GW is 110.

And then I weighed myself about a week later (2 days ago) and I was 112 and that totally flipped me out even though I also had a pretty full stomach and weight tends to fluctuate more than that anyway, so now I'm discouraged.

AND my mom's been in town for the past two days and we've been going to restaurants and so I've been eating a lot more than usual. And so now I'm scared for next week. I was doing so well!

She's gone now, so I should be able to get my shit on track now but I'm probably gonna go out with people tomorrow so alcohol calories... Does anyone have any favorite fairly low cal alcoholic drinks btw? I'm thinking of just doing a rum and diet coke. But I LOVE margaritas. Especially if they're frozen. And at a Mexican restaurant.

Anyway.

I don't know if anyone's out there anymore, but I'm gonna post some thinspo now. I don't remember where I left off in my album (or if I even posted any from this new album) so maybe I'll just go back to the beginning?

Happy weekend!

-K

so I'm really the worst blogger ever...

I say I'm gonna catch up and then I go away for basically the whole semester. Awesome.

I just read back through the last few posts I posted and wow... that seems like ages ago. I'll briefly catch you up:

S isn't a thing anymore. He's nice and I enjoy being his friend and seeing him in class but he's too young to date or whatever.

That cute guy from the hotel when my flight got cancelled? Hung out with him a couple of times when we got back to school. Then ran into him at a party a few weeks later that I went to with S (it was a casual thing) and ended up hooking up with him (mistake). Trying to pretend it never happened.

N... pretty over that. Still love him as a friend. But he had his chance and didn't take it. But now I'm really into his friend. (I can't remember if I assigned him a letter... I'll have to check on that.) He's my top priority at the moment...and there's a whole saga, but that can wait/ it really isn't too important.

A is still with that girl and now they're basically dating, but I think I've accepted it. I even told the girl one time when we were drunk that if he isn't with me I'm glad he's with her. Which is true...I think. And she appreciated it, I think... Anyhow, I feel like A and I are actually becoming friends now which is really nice because I do like him and care about him and I think that he likes and cares about me too. So that's nice.

As far as my weight goes, I don't know. I'm sure I didn't lose any since my 114 (with clothes!) weigh-in, but I don't think I gained a ton. But I definitely gained (or at least I feel like I did...and I was eating around 1500-1700 a day which is more than usual) and didn't end up feeling ANY less tired so screw that. I accidentally missed my last appointment, so now I think I'm just not gonna do it anymore. I've been aiming for 1200-1300 for the past few weeks which I've followed (aside from 2 drunk screwups... I plan to stop drinking less frequently which is really inconvenient since I'm turning 21 next week).

I'm home now, but I go back to school for a couple of days before I go to the city and start my internship (!!!), and I plan on weighing myself then. And I'm pretty nervous about it, so I really need to continue to eat well.

This is probably not my most coherent/ well-written post. I apologize. I'm mad tired and it feels mad late... event though it isn't even midnight.

Anyhow, I hope you're all well. And if you're still following me after all of my ridiculously long absences, know that I appreciate it. A lot.

Goodnight! I promise to post soon. Actually. I do miss this place and I REALLY need to get back on track.

-K