Have I ever mentioned how much I don't understand guys?

First off, I'm seriously the worst. But this weekend I WILL get caught up on blogs! (I will.)

Also, I've been eating 1200-1500 cal a day for the past week, and I don't feel any less tired. If anything, I feel more tired. Like wtf? Does my body just not work?

I really don't understand.

Speaking of things I don't understand: guys.

Let's start with S: So, he's supposed to be coming to "my" Russian section 3 times a week (he has conflicts the other 2 days) and I'm supposed to go to "his" once a week (because I have a conflict during "mine"), meaning that we're supposed to be in class together 4 times a week. This week, that has not been the case.

On Monday, when he didn't come I figured he woke up late and had to go to the later one. Then I saw him on Tuesday since we both have to go to the later one due to scheduling conflicts, and things were relatively normal. (Or, at least, more than they've been so far this semester; so far, it seems like things are strained or confusing...like either he doesn't like me anymore or is trying to not like me or is confused...it's just been weird.) So, I was really happy about that and figured things would start getting back on track. PLUS I found out that he didn't rush so I no longer have to fear about him having no time or doing stupid shit or meeting some sorority girl at a mixer. It was a really great day.

But then he didn't show up on Wednesday. And so I started to get kind of...not happy about the whole thing. After all, I feel like either a) he's avoiding me or b) I'm not enough anymore to get him to come to an hour-earlier class (even though I'm pretty sure he said he has class before Russian some days). So I thought, hey, maybe when I see him tomorrow I'll make some joke about him abandoning us or some shit...which honestly would have been the dumbest thing ever. So I'm kind of glad that he didn't come to class AGAIN today...except that I'm not. At all.

And I hate how much this is bothering me. I mean, we never made any plans or anything, but it seemed like we were getting somewhere, and then all of the sudden we were behind the starting line. Like, what happened??? I don't understand. And I still really like him but I also miss us being kind of friends.

How do I fix this? CAN I even fix this?

On a slightly happier note: N. I realized that I still really really like him. The first time I saw him this semester, things seemed a little bit weird but I think it was just me feeling weird and therefore making things weird or imagining that they were weird (I'm never sure which is the case). But the next two times I've seen him have been almost completely normal. And one of the times he even asked me to be his emergency contact for this thing...like that's kind of a deal. Not a big deal, but a deal. And his really good guy friend was right there so he could have easily asked him, but he asked me instead.

That can't possibly be a bad thing, can it?

Anyhow, we're having a party tomorrow night and he's gonne be there. The last few times I've seen him at social things I've been pretty drunk, so my goal is to be lightly drunk (I'm thinking 3 max) so that I don't act stupid (or text any other guys) or forget things, etc.

But I'm pretty excited for it...though the S thing is REALLY bringing me down. And if he doesn't show up tomorrow, it's gonna suck. (I feel like the instructors totally figured this out too...blerg. At least maybe they'll feel bad for me and forgive my royal-suckage this week?)

I guess that's been my week. A bit of a mixed bag.

And now I have to go study for Russian.

I hope you're all doing well. :)

First off, I wanted to thank all of you that have been reading and commenting. You're all wonderful! I've been a mess this week (first week back ahhh) but I'm gonna read blogs this weekend.

So I finally went to the nutritionist. 114 with clothes and a full stomach (breakfast, water, etc. ) which kind of sucks and I hoped for better. I guess I'll try to weigh myself before I eat sometime to compare...

Anyway he told me that I'm not eating enough and that's why I'm tired all the time. But dude I eat at least 1200 cal a day and sometimes more and then I'm still tired AND upset with myself. Then he started talking about how I need to start making up a deficit and we made 2000 cal meal plans... He was acting like I'm emaciated but I'm far from it. I don't understand.

I want to not feel so damn exhausted anymore but I feel like I'd gain weight if I follow his plan. I don't know what to do.

Anyhow I need to go to class now.

You're all awesome.

Peace out.

Funny story

So my flight got cancelled last night so I ended up spending the night in a hotel with three people I met (and one of them is really cute!!!) from my school and we caught a plane this morning and then took a cab... So I missed my nutrition appointment so I dunno what I weigh and I forgot how damn fat my mirror here makes me look.

Gonna go drink with a friend. Tomorrow I'm going to catch up with your blogs and get groceries and be a real person.

Shit I'm getting weighed tomorrow.

Greetings from the airport!

Meh (or "Why Does Winter Break Have to End Ever?")

The last few days, I've been eating about 1500 cal. Not horrible (like, say, 2500-3000), but not great.

Also, I go back to school tomorrow. Classes still don't start for another week, but I don't want to go. Hurting my knee really screwed up my fitness plan, so I feel like I don't look as good as I could (or should) which is disappointing. So I'm kind of terrified of seeing S; I'm pretty sure my weight doesn't make a huge difference (he liked me last semester when I was starting to go off the rails) but he's a bit of a health-nut sort so I feel like I should look good for him. And it's not as if it could hurt my chances with him.

I'm also kind of dreading seeing A because I'm afraid that he's still hooking up with that girl. And I'm afraid that they'll continue to hook up for a while and that things will eventually become serious-ish.

But right now, I'm in the dark, so I shouldn't assume the worst. It's a bad habit.

On the bright side, I'll get to see my friends and I'll have complete control over my food again, so hopefully I can finally get fully back on track with that. And then once my knee is completely healed, I'll start running and going to my yoga class again...

Bright side. Bright side. Bright side.

Dammit. I still really don't want to go now, though. I'm enjoying being with my fam and our new dog and I'll miss all of them when I go. And the next time I see them will probably be this summer.

But I'm going to stop now so that I don't get worked up. Last night, I ended up crying in my room, clutching my dog. Ugh. (tres embarrassing)

Anyhow, I'm sorry that I haven't been too active since I've been back; I'm trying to make the most out of my time with my family. Bust rest assured, after tomorrow I should be back in full-force.

Take care,
K

Me today:

It's that time if the month too so I'm kind of bloated. I feel like I look better than I did at the beginning of my break so that's good.

Also, I've been having a lot of trouble commenting and replying to comments on my phone. Like, I'll write and submit them but then nothing will show up. Has anyone else had this problem? I wanna talk to you guys and I'm trying to use my computer less because its become such a time-suck.

Anyhow, I hope you're all having a wonderful day!

K

Breakfast!

A bran muffin and some coffee

Occasionally, I have days when I feel like maybe I could be normal...like I could maybe be able to eat "normally" (no bingeing!) and not beat myself up for it. Today was one if those days...until I looked at my calf that's been becoming flabby since I injured my knee last week. And my stomach is bloated from dinner (even though it was healthy--greens and lentils...and a bit of cake. But it was pretty glorious--orange and avocado. Sounds sketchy but holy god) and I hate that. Blah.

Anyhow, that's what's been happening.

Tomorrow, I'll post an update on how my weight, etc has been this past year (not that I've weighed myself much because most of the time I really didn't want to).

I hope you're all well!

Update part I: the people

Hey, guys! I hope you're all having great days. :)

I realize that since I took a year break, it would be silly to try to catch you up on every little detail of what's been happening (I don't even remember ever little detail; I barely remember the big events), so I'll just give you some highlights here that I think are notable, and then fill you in more as I go on if I find I've forgotten important things.

Deal?

Part I: the people

• A: We're both living in the same house, which is actually pretty ok. I decided to demote him from my top priority in the spring semester last year when I realized that we really aren't looking for the same thing right now. I also started really liking this guy, N (he's the one whose jacket I was wearing after the party I wrote about last semester; I'll write more about him, because that's a story). I definitely still have feelings for him; I'm not gonna lie. He recently started having casual sex with a mutual friend. She's really wonderful and I want all the best for her but it still hurt. There is a bright side, however: I think A felt bad about it or something because he's been really really nice and now we're actually becoming friends. I'll take it!
• C: She's not such a big player in my life anymore, even though she lives in the room next to me (actually). We're both on the tiny 3rd floor of our house (with 2 other people) and A's on the second floor. We had a class together last semester and we're friendly. Like, she'll buy me alcohol (since she's 21) and seltzer (since she knows I like it...which is actually incredibly sweet) and I'll pay her back and we'll hang out in groups together sometimes since we have a lot of mutual friends, but we don't really hang out alone anymore. Sometimes (right now, actually) I wonder if I miss her and debate trying to rekindle our friendship, but the fact is that most of the time she annoys the hell out of me. So that's likely not going to happen.
• E: She has taken C's place as my go-to person. We grew really really close in the past year, and we spent a ridiculous amount of time together last semester, drinking and smoking...and eating (*shudder*), but we bonded so much that I don't think I'd take any of that back. This semester, unfortunately, she's abroad, but I'm gonna go visit her in mid-March and I'm SO EXCITED! And we text all the time. :)
• T: Luckily, I also made a new really great friend in the year since I've written. She's my little in the organization and she's super sweet and smart and awesome and she loves to smoke. We both spent the summer at school so we did that together a lot (strangely, I never got the munchies back then) and bonded and now she's one of my best friends. She and E also grew close last semester, so the three of us hung out a lot.
• D: He's hysterical. He was also at school over the summer (and living in my house!) so we spent a lot of time together--and with T--drinking and smoking, which (you may be able to tell) I've found to be an extremely effective bonding method. Huh.
• L: She's still probably my best friend. I wish she didn't go to school so far away. :(
• Y: I've known her since our first semester. She's awesome and a little bit crazy.
• N: Now we get to him. I've known him since the beginning of both of our freshman year, as we were in class together 4-5 days a week both semesters (with Y too). Then we both joined the same organization, which is how we really got to become friends. I started to have a bit of a crush on him in the spring semester of our freshman year, but I guess it wasn't a huge part of my life because I didn't see any mention of it when I skimmed this whole thing. And then I met A, so I basically pushed him to the side... until spring semester of last year, when we were in the same class again and seeing each other a lot. And then we both got drunk at a party at the end of the semester and ended up making out outside of my dorm. And then it was a little bit awkward because he kind of (maybe...no one's really sure) has a gf back home even though he hadn't spoken to her in months, but he was also at school over the summer and hung out with us so we got through it. And now we just seem to be friends who are attracted to each other and flirt inappropriately. And I'm not mad about it.
• S: Ah, S. I met him in class last semester, and I honestly didn't notice him until I noticed that he had taken a liking to me (which NEVER happens to me EVER). And then I noticed how incredibly attractive he is. We did some pre-dating and it wasn't awkward at all (which, again, NEVER happens) and I started to like him even more. So what's the catch? a) he's a freshman and b) he's been having fun being a freshman and fooling around and so he isn't sure if he wants to commit to anything right now. Sucks. And I still really, really like him. He's probably at the top of my list right now.

So I think those are all the important people I can think of. This ended up being a bit more comprehensive than I'd originally planned, so maybe the best thing to do is to try to really get all of the important stuff out upfront, but to break the large, year-spanning update into smaller chunks.

New deal?

Have a great rest of your days! I'm so glad that some of you are still here. I like my Tumblr and I'll still use it, but I've missed how supportive all of you are.

:) K

Test

I'm trying out the blogger app on my phone and I'm not sure how posting pictures works. If you see one somewhere in this post, it's my leg.

Wow. It's been a long time. Is anyone still out there? I miss this blog, and I think I might want to take it up again.

Let me know.

Love,
K