7/6/13

I weighed myself on Thursday. 112 again. Could be worse since last week was so crappy but I want to start losing again! Like, come on now. Somehow I did this before-- exactly 4 years ago. How did I do it? I wish I had my old exel documents from the time so that I could see how much I was eating. Maybe I sent them to myself at some point...?

Anyhow, I did alright this week considering the holiday/ the day after which most us had off from work so it turned into holiday part 2 (alcohol):
M- 1200
Tu- 1200
W- 1100
Th- 2000
F- 2300
And today is looking like it's going to be 1400 which is meh. But it's better than what it was most days during the semester so I'm ok with it.

-K

7/2/13

So I totally left out some very crucial information in my update: I busted my knee running in January. Then I started running again and it came back last month (yay) so exercising has been a challenge. I've been taking multiple ibuprofen a day and my knee is usually sore/ tired by the end of the day just from walking. Ugh. My goal is to be better by September when my unlimited yoga thing resumes. Crossing my finger big time.

Anyhow, I'm really nervous to weigh myself this week because of a) last week's disappointment and b) the days with my mom. But I've been eating 1200 a day for the most part and I started recording my daily totals in an excel document again (and it feels SO GOOD like welcome back, friend!). But maybe I should wait until next week? I'm afraid that if I'm up to 114 or something I'll flip out.

I don't know.

Anyhow, pictures:

Also, I've recently discovered that I thoroughly enjoy hanging out with my guy friends ESPECIALLY if I'm the only girl. I'm not sure why. I just feel... less stressed? More comfortable? It probably has something to do with the fact that on some level girls are almost always in competition (maybe guys are too; I don't know). At least, that's what I've found to be true.

Anyhow, happy short work-week, Americans!

-K

7/1/13

In the city

So I've been here for a month, working and doing all that fun stuff. I finally weighed myself right before I left to come here and I was 114. And then I weighed myself last week (3 weeks later) and I was 111 on a fairly full stomach, so I was pretty psyched about that since my first GW is 110.

And then I weighed myself about a week later (2 days ago) and I was 112 and that totally flipped me out even though I also had a pretty full stomach and weight tends to fluctuate more than that anyway, so now I'm discouraged.

AND my mom's been in town for the past two days and we've been going to restaurants and so I've been eating a lot more than usual. And so now I'm scared for next week. I was doing so well!

She's gone now, so I should be able to get my shit on track now but I'm probably gonna go out with people tomorrow so alcohol calories... Does anyone have any favorite fairly low cal alcoholic drinks btw? I'm thinking of just doing a rum and diet coke. But I LOVE margaritas. Especially if they're frozen. And at a Mexican restaurant.

Anyway.

I don't know if anyone's out there anymore, but I'm gonna post some thinspo now. I don't remember where I left off in my album (or if I even posted any from this new album) so maybe I'll just go back to the beginning?

Happy weekend!

-K

so I'm really the worst blogger ever...

I say I'm gonna catch up and then I go away for basically the whole semester. Awesome.

I just read back through the last few posts I posted and wow... that seems like ages ago. I'll briefly catch you up:

S isn't a thing anymore. He's nice and I enjoy being his friend and seeing him in class but he's too young to date or whatever.

That cute guy from the hotel when my flight got cancelled? Hung out with him a couple of times when we got back to school. Then ran into him at a party a few weeks later that I went to with S (it was a casual thing) and ended up hooking up with him (mistake). Trying to pretend it never happened.

N... pretty over that. Still love him as a friend. But he had his chance and didn't take it. But now I'm really into his friend. (I can't remember if I assigned him a letter... I'll have to check on that.) He's my top priority at the moment...and there's a whole saga, but that can wait/ it really isn't too important.

A is still with that girl and now they're basically dating, but I think I've accepted it. I even told the girl one time when we were drunk that if he isn't with me I'm glad he's with her. Which is true...I think. And she appreciated it, I think... Anyhow, I feel like A and I are actually becoming friends now which is really nice because I do like him and care about him and I think that he likes and cares about me too. So that's nice.

As far as my weight goes, I don't know. I'm sure I didn't lose any since my 114 (with clothes!) weigh-in, but I don't think I gained a ton. But I definitely gained (or at least I feel like I did...and I was eating around 1500-1700 a day which is more than usual) and didn't end up feeling ANY less tired so screw that. I accidentally missed my last appointment, so now I think I'm just not gonna do it anymore. I've been aiming for 1200-1300 for the past few weeks which I've followed (aside from 2 drunk screwups... I plan to stop drinking less frequently which is really inconvenient since I'm turning 21 next week).

I'm home now, but I go back to school for a couple of days before I go to the city and start my internship (!!!), and I plan on weighing myself then. And I'm pretty nervous about it, so I really need to continue to eat well.

This is probably not my most coherent/ well-written post. I apologize. I'm mad tired and it feels mad late... event though it isn't even midnight.

Anyhow, I hope you're all well. And if you're still following me after all of my ridiculously long absences, know that I appreciate it. A lot.

Goodnight! I promise to post soon. Actually. I do miss this place and I REALLY need to get back on track.

-K

Have I ever mentioned how much I don't understand guys?

First off, I'm seriously the worst. But this weekend I WILL get caught up on blogs! (I will.)

Also, I've been eating 1200-1500 cal a day for the past week, and I don't feel any less tired. If anything, I feel more tired. Like wtf? Does my body just not work?

I really don't understand.

Speaking of things I don't understand: guys.

Let's start with S: So, he's supposed to be coming to "my" Russian section 3 times a week (he has conflicts the other 2 days) and I'm supposed to go to "his" once a week (because I have a conflict during "mine"), meaning that we're supposed to be in class together 4 times a week. This week, that has not been the case.

On Monday, when he didn't come I figured he woke up late and had to go to the later one. Then I saw him on Tuesday since we both have to go to the later one due to scheduling conflicts, and things were relatively normal. (Or, at least, more than they've been so far this semester; so far, it seems like things are strained or confusing...like either he doesn't like me anymore or is trying to not like me or is confused...it's just been weird.) So, I was really happy about that and figured things would start getting back on track. PLUS I found out that he didn't rush so I no longer have to fear about him having no time or doing stupid shit or meeting some sorority girl at a mixer. It was a really great day.

But then he didn't show up on Wednesday. And so I started to get kind of...not happy about the whole thing. After all, I feel like either a) he's avoiding me or b) I'm not enough anymore to get him to come to an hour-earlier class (even though I'm pretty sure he said he has class before Russian some days). So I thought, hey, maybe when I see him tomorrow I'll make some joke about him abandoning us or some shit...which honestly would have been the dumbest thing ever. So I'm kind of glad that he didn't come to class AGAIN today...except that I'm not. At all.

And I hate how much this is bothering me. I mean, we never made any plans or anything, but it seemed like we were getting somewhere, and then all of the sudden we were behind the starting line. Like, what happened??? I don't understand. And I still really like him but I also miss us being kind of friends.

How do I fix this? CAN I even fix this?

On a slightly happier note: N. I realized that I still really really like him. The first time I saw him this semester, things seemed a little bit weird but I think it was just me feeling weird and therefore making things weird or imagining that they were weird (I'm never sure which is the case). But the next two times I've seen him have been almost completely normal. And one of the times he even asked me to be his emergency contact for this thing...like that's kind of a deal. Not a big deal, but a deal. And his really good guy friend was right there so he could have easily asked him, but he asked me instead.

That can't possibly be a bad thing, can it?

Anyhow, we're having a party tomorrow night and he's gonne be there. The last few times I've seen him at social things I've been pretty drunk, so my goal is to be lightly drunk (I'm thinking 3 max) so that I don't act stupid (or text any other guys) or forget things, etc.

But I'm pretty excited for it...though the S thing is REALLY bringing me down. And if he doesn't show up tomorrow, it's gonna suck. (I feel like the instructors totally figured this out too...blerg. At least maybe they'll feel bad for me and forgive my royal-suckage this week?)

I guess that's been my week. A bit of a mixed bag.

And now I have to go study for Russian.

I hope you're all doing well. :)

First off, I wanted to thank all of you that have been reading and commenting. You're all wonderful! I've been a mess this week (first week back ahhh) but I'm gonna read blogs this weekend.

So I finally went to the nutritionist. 114 with clothes and a full stomach (breakfast, water, etc. ) which kind of sucks and I hoped for better. I guess I'll try to weigh myself before I eat sometime to compare...

Anyway he told me that I'm not eating enough and that's why I'm tired all the time. But dude I eat at least 1200 cal a day and sometimes more and then I'm still tired AND upset with myself. Then he started talking about how I need to start making up a deficit and we made 2000 cal meal plans... He was acting like I'm emaciated but I'm far from it. I don't understand.

I want to not feel so damn exhausted anymore but I feel like I'd gain weight if I follow his plan. I don't know what to do.

Anyhow I need to go to class now.

You're all awesome.

Peace out.