Yesterday and today

Hello, everyone! Hello, new followers! I'm honored to have you aboard :)

So... yesterday was Day 3 of my third try at the HSGD, for which I've been weighing myself everyday. On Thursday,  was 107, and then yesterday I was 105.6 which I know can't possibly be right (maybe I'm dehydrated?), but it was just such a relief to see that number starting to approach my normal (acceptable) range.

Then, I went to one class (my last of the semester, THANK GOODNESS!) and then I went to bake some rainbow cakes in jars for the frat I'm in. C wasn't there; A was, and not too many other people, so we got in some quality time. We sat next to each other for a while and were kind of casually making physical contact as we went about our business. (I was going to say "touching each other" but that doesn't seem to be quite right.) Like... my arm would rub against his knee as I stirred and then he'd reach over me to grab a chip (and say something really cute like, "Sorry. I just really needed a chip!" and kind of smile and UGH!), so then I'd reach over him for a spoon or something... It felt like the summer again.

At one point, he was asking me if I eat dinner in the dining hall in my dorm every night for dinner, and I told him that I eat there sometimes, "when I eat dinner" which just kind of came out. Something about him makes me in the mood for honesty. So then he was like, "and the rest of the time you go anorexic?" as a joke.

And I froze because he has no idea. If I were anorexic, I'd be the kind of skinny that I want to be, but my ED is a mix, and I haven't had an anorexic period for 4 years. And I know the way things are now are probably healthier... idk. I could write a whole book on my feelings about this topic, but I guess it's like, "the grass is always greener on the other side."

Anyhow, eventually I said something stupid like, "I... eat lunch" (man, do I eat one hell of a lunch. 700 calories?!?) and grabbed a chip. I mean, it's not like I don't eat anything during dinner hours (I'd be much skinnier if I didn't), but it's not dinner; it's snack-ish. Bananas and cashew butter, etc.

But now that everyone thinks I don't eat dinner, I might as well not. I'm out of food in my room anyway...

And this was my intention, but then I got guilted into hanging out with some people and C was there (yuck) and I got coerced into having dinner with them and felt really guilty because I hadn't wanted to have dinner and the vegetables tasted oily and I wasn't about to screw up the HSGD AGAIN because then I'd just be a failure. So I had a slight panic-attack, ate veggies and fruit and a few beans, and (by my estimation) just hit the caloric mark for the day.

And now, today:

Today we have a ceremony for our new members, which A will be attending, and then tonight we have our formal and afterparty which, rumor has it (aka my friend E) that A will ALSO be attending. Which I feel like I've mentioned, but my short-term memory has been HORRIBLE lately.

Anyhow, these are some of the last few times I'm going to see him this semester (for over a month! grrrrrrr) so I wanna make them count. Also, I really wanna make out with him. I haven't hooked up with anyone since him (sad, I know), and I'm pretty sure he hasn't hooked with anyone since me.

So, I've asked E to, at some point, distract C so that I can actually, maybe, have some time with him. Not that I know what to do with it. Maybe ask him to dance? That's what I did last semester, if you recall, and what, perhaps, kinda kickstarted things between us (which is an inaccurate phrase for it makes it seem as if any sort of "relationship" we have/ have had has moved anything but slothlike...) but I'm afraid. I don't wanna come on too strongly, or pressure him, or be rejected.

Am I hopeless?

I'm gonna go back to sleep now (I hope) and, hopefully, today will go ok.

Have a great weekend, guys!

~K

Blah

I got a scale this morning. I stepped on it post-breakfast burrito and I was 107.7. Ew.

I mean... I guess it's not as bad as it could be. I've been off my wagon for--what? A month? And yesterday I ate 1600 calories.

So I guess it could be much worse, but still. I'm getting to 100 by Christmas. (Is that possible?)

In other news, I won't be eating a lot today because my throat's killing me. I think I'm getting some sort of flu: my limbs feel heavy, my body feels sore, and my skin hurts. The friction of soft cotton against my forearm is actually uncomfortable. Wtf?

And I have to travel today-- planes and layovers, and I don't even get in until after midnight. And then tomorrow's Thanksgiving and the next few days I need to do some hardcore work on a paper while, somehow, having bonding time with the fam. I can't afford to be sick!!!

Blah.

I hope you guys are all doing well, and if you're celebrating tomorrow, have a happy Thanksgiving and try not to stress out too much! You've probably been doing really well, in which case one day can't do much harm. Good luck!

-K

Fail

This morning people brought marzipan to my French class. I love marzipan; I ate some.

Then my friends were going for coffee. I got a small, black decaf. But still.

Why do I fail so hard? And before noon!

I hate this. I've let down Bones and I've let down myself. In the few days leading up to thanksgiving, I should be preparing. You know... Just in case.

I've been eating way too much lately and it needs to stop. How do I make it stop?

raw food weekend: update

Sooo, it's Sunday night. Besides a glass of wine last night (I was at a wine and cheese thing and felt awkward and when I feel awkward, I enjoy alcohol...), I've been raw all weekend.

I feel like I'm going to explode. Today was one big fruit and nut binge, which I guess is better than eating a shitload of snackfood but still. It's not ok. Luckily, I'm finished with all the nuts, so maybe I'll extend this through tomorrow and just try to eat fruit...? Le sigh. I used to be decent at losing weight.

I guess I've been stressed out lately about the whole C and A thing. C asked me to coffee yesterday so we could chat. She talked about how she was a huge bitch and I sat there and said nothing because she was and because she doesn't seem to realize how not ok it is to be that deluded... especially for someone so histrionic. It's a toxic combination and I have enough toxicity in my life.

She kept me there talking for an hour, and we slowly built back up some sort of rapport because we're going to be working together next semester and we do see each other a lot at events for our organization. At the wine and cheese thing, I was thinking about how (surprisingly) relieved I felt, and then I realized that she was following A around. Again.

I was talking to him, too. We were actually having one of the first normal (for us, which means kind of awkward... but cute) conversations we've had since the summer and then- BAM! There she is, by his side, poking at him or tapping him on the shoulder or whining at him. I don't even know.

This happens every time. She seriously has become his stalker. It's gross.

And what's even more gross is that despite what she said when we (she) had coffee, I think that she DOES think that something's going to happen between them-- that it will if she tries hard enough, or that it's inevitable, or some shit like that. I think she thinks that deep down he has feelings for her. But you know what? Ever since I've cut ties with her and she's really begun to embrace that crazy-bitch role, he's been reaching out to me and being, well, flirty again. Like... we're approaching the point we were at in the summer.

At the party, this guy friend of mine wanted to pick me up (he'd just picked A up haha), and then A said something about wanting to pick up someone, so I volunteered myself. He picked me up and walked into the foyer; he held me while we said goodbye to some people who were leaving (which took some time), and then brought me back to the dining room and we kind of smiled at each other. It was nice. I had my arms around his neck and it just felt... comfortable. Natural. Like my body remembered his.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury (I've been reading a lot of Nabokov), I still have feelings for A; I want to make that clear. Maybe I shouldn't, I don't know, but I think that he might be interested too. And maybe it's just wishful thinking, but the last time I thought this, I was right. And this would surely explain this sudden effort (though he tends to fumble-- which I find cute, but very confusing) he's been making with me.

Maybe he took one look at new, crazier C and realized that a lot of the "options" out there, well, aren't.

I guess we'll have to wait and see.

-K

raw food weekend!

Bones and I are doing a raw food fast this weekend starting at midnight. I've been interested in going raw for a while now, so this should be a good trial run.

I've been reading a lot of articles online claiming that raw foodism clears skin, aids in weight loss, adds energy, etc. which sound awesome, but I remember reading similar things about veganism, and the results really aren't that dramatic. So who knows.

But yeah. I'm super excited! I'm gonna go grocery shopping tomorrow and but TONS of fruit and whatever else I can find and it's gonna be awesome!

Tonight. Midnight. Join in if you'd like.

:) K

bleh

Yesterday I had 1300 cal. That was NOT the plan.

Today I've had 650 and I'm pretty full, so maybe I just won't eat anything else. That'll help make up for yesterday.

My stomach looks weird. I think I need to get a scale but I'm afraid. What if I've gained a shitload of weight?

Bleh. I hate food. I want to stop buying it.

I need to stop eating so much. This isn't ok. Last night I felt sick. Ugh. Maybe this weekend I'll try to just eat raw foods or fruit or something to detox...

Happy Friday, everyone!

-K

Day 2: HSGD take 2!

Somehow, after being successful for a whole week, I convinced myself to stop last time ("It's unhealthy!" "You're fine!" blah blah blah).

Why do I always pull shit like that? I mean, I'm really not looking too good nowadays and I have a formal coming up in 2 weeks. Bleh.

So this time I'm completing this. If I know I'm gonna go over, I start saving up calories. That's what's gonne happen.

Also, I know I keep saying that I'm gonna catch up with all of you guys and then I don't so I'm really sorry! This year has just been really hectic so far, but the semester's almost over (yay!) and then I'll have 5 weeks to get back on the blogger track!

:) K