Skinny Love

#occupytheelliptical +FIN +measurements

2011-12-13T17:00:00.000-05:00

So... I've started going to the gym the past couple of days because each machine has an individual TV and I can watch Friends. Ha! But I stay on for an hour (2 episodes) and burn 400 calories, so that's pretty good. And I always leave feeling pretty great.

In fact, I'd forgotten how awesome it feels to step out into the cold right after a workout, in shorts and a thin fleece and feeling invincible because eveyone's walking around in pants and wool coats, shivering. Like, SUCK IT!!!

Sorry. I'm in kind of a weird mood because I just handed in my portfolio which means that I'm DONE FOR THE SEMESTER!!!! Hell yeah!!!

I'm still kind of in denial. I mean, I'll be here until the weekend (damn flight) and I've got stuff to do--like the fitting tomorrow.

Did I tell you that story? My short-term memory has REALLY been acting up lately. I guess I'll tell it again as quickly and painlessly as possible.

So, it was C's bday (yuck) and she, E, A, and I were sitting in A's room and E is talking about how her friend is designing for their program's annual fashion show (which I think is a big-ish deal) again and how she's getting their friend to model again and all the sudden she turns to me and she's like, "You'd actually be perfect."

And I was like, "What? Have you seen how tall I am?" because I'm 5'2! Me runway-modeling? That's insane!

And she goes, "No, no! You'd be perfect! Our friend is small too. You guys are probably just about the same height. And your hair is really similar... omg you guys would match! It's too perfect!"

"Really?" And she has me stand up and she takes a picture on her phone and sends it to her friend.

And she's like, "Totally. You're a model-size... and she's looking for people who have an interesting look, and your face is interesting and pretty." (I didn't really need to include that part but I thought it was really nice of her. I love E <3)

Her friend liked my picture, and when I went to meet her in person, she agreed that I'd be good.

So tomorrow she measures me. I should have planned ahead--stayed away from bread, etc.--because I don't want her to have buyer's remorse. Maybe I'll tell her I'm on my period? I do plan on continuing to lose weight, but I guess these are just preliminary measurements...

Bah. I'm rambling. Because I'm nervous because I'm not sure if I want to know the numbers.

But I'm not going to lie; I'm curious as hell.

Have a terrific evening, everyone!
-K

finals week

2011-12-09T14:50:00.000-05:00

I took my physics final last night; I studied the wrong stuff (old info instead of new), so I was fairly uncomfortable with the material. The prof curves, so hopefully other people didn't do that well either... but still. It felt bad. I took finals like that in high school-- that didn't feel great-- but everything turned out ok. Well, even. (I got in here, didn't I? And it was my first choice.) But this is college. A really competitive, pressure-cooker, dog-eat-dog college.

Things might not turn out ok here.

In other news, I'm still 104.2. According to my scale, I have been every day since the 4th. Can that be right? I mean, I weigh myself every morning in the same manner... but that's a lot of days.

Today, I did a test though. I weighed myself again with a jacket on and my weight rose 2 lbs which I estimate is pretty accurate, but it still makes me nervous. What if that preliminary 104 is off and when I weigh myself on my family's scale it says 110 or something?

I shouldn't be thinking about this. I should be thinking about my french final tomorrow and the things I have to write for creative writing. Not scales.

I hope things are going well for all of you! I'm soooo close to being done with the semester and then I'll post more and read your blogs and comment and be awesome!

-K

Overreacted

2011-12-05T20:34:00.000-05:00

Again. (It seems.) Like the C and A thing all over again... ish. I'm sorry I keep doing this.

Truce?

Yesterday, everything was back to normal. I was with a couple of our mutual friends in ctown and we ran into A. He and one of our friends are in the same class so they decided to study together and he asked me if I wanted to study with them (I'm not in the same class, or any class even remotely similar), and I agreed. We ended up staying up until 3 am, studying (which for me is writing papers) and talking about books and careers. At this point it was past 1 (when I tend to start getting a little loopy) and I started talking passionately about how much I want to be a screenwriter, and I looked over at A, and even though our career paths will likely differ greatly, I could tell that he understood and was impressed by what I was saying (or my clumsy enthusiasm).

And he recommended a book to me, which I bought today. I can't wait to read it over break!

And then our friend started talking about his friend's crazy ex-girlfriend (not cool-crazy like me, he assured me), and I was like, "yeah. Some girls can be really crazy" (referring to C) and A was like, "oh yeah. I know one of them" and I could have sworn that he gave me a quick, conspiratorial look (ie. he was talking about C as well). I could have imagined it, but I'm definitely sensing more and more distance between them.

I'm just glad that things were back to normal between us.

Anyhow, back to what this blog is about:

Because I was so busy with them, I ended up eating 700 calories on my 1100 calorie day (yay!). I found some chocolate in my backpack, so I shared it with them, which made me feel good, made them happy, and kept me at such an awesome number.

And then this morning I weighed in at 104.2 lbs again! Yay!

And then I went to lunch with the friend (A was gonna come but he was on a studying-roll) and then I got some coffee and then I went to a little holiday gethering and we watched Elf and I love Zooey Deschanel and now I'm listening to Christmas music and I'm about to watch Glee and I'm HAPPY. And what surprises me is how happy and hopeful I feel right now (maybe the caffeine rush + holiday cheer + having a good talk with my mom about A?) and that absolutely TERRIFIES me because I feel like extreme highs must always be followed by extreme lows; the universe requires balance.

Geez these posts have been long.

I hope that you guys are doing well! And if finals/ midterms are coming up, GOOD LUCK!

o<] K

P.S. ^^^ It's a Santa hat kind of, right?

disappointment

2011-12-04T14:07:00.000-05:00

At least I weighed in at 104.2 this morning... though it's probably merely a result of alcohol-induced dehydration.

Maybe I should stop drinking; A doesn't seem to like me when I've been drinking.

I just feel so stupid. I just wrote a whole post about how I think/ thought he likes me and then I'm at the formal after-party (looking pretty decent, I think, which is HUGE for me) and he's so skiddish and awkward and weird... like a deer caught in the headlights. And it's not like I was hitting on him! I just asked him what he was drinking... and then later we had a quick exchange about kombucha (probably our highlight of the night. lame.) but then there he is in the ctown hangout and I'm wearing another guy's coat (I kinda had a thing for him last year... and still kind of do, but it's nothing like what I have for A, and besides, he has a gf from back home) and A's talking to this girl who just joined (who's the SWEETEST girl in the world. I seriously love her so much and she's planning on living in the house next year which is soooo great... but now also kind of awkward since A's planning on living there too--I just found this out--and C is, of course, whic is really just asking for trouble... WTF IS MY LIFE??? when did I start having drama like this? geez) and they seem like they're really hitting it off and she's a friendly girl in general but sometimes I wonderred if maybe she was flirting... and wondering if maybe HE was flirting too?

At formal, when he walked in the room, I happened to look over his way (I didn't even know he was planning on coming!) when he saw me and he did a double take. No one's ever done that to me before. I thought that maybe it was a good omen for the rest of the night but noooo i guess not. Idk.

My mom's (incredibly sweet, but possible misguided) idea is that he's afraid of his feelings for me. But is that what's indicated in his behavior? I have no idea.

I'm a mess with no guy experiance, really, with anyone BUT A and, kind of, H... and various guys I've had good flirting moments with, so I HAVE NO CLUE.

He drives me crazy. Despite my very pro-self harm genes, I've had very few times when I've felt that urge, but last night and waking up this morning and now, I feel it. I just want him to... idk...stop playing around! And I want him to care about me. I want SOMEONE to realize how hard this guy stuff is for me and how much it's really been messing me up. My best friend, L, from home doesn't even. My mom does kind of. And that's it.

Maybe because I play it cool, but what am I supposed to do? Walk around crying, in a never-ending panic attack? When I DO try to broach the subject people just kind of shrug it off and that was FINE when things seemed to be going FINE and maybe I'm completely over-reacting and all the school-stress from the last couple of weeks has finally caught up with me, mixed with the stress of finals week (next week. hoorah), mixed with my need to just GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE AND BE HOME (even though "home" isn't quite home)...

Why am I such a distaster? When did I become such a fucking mess?

I'm sorry for the rant and the cursing but UGH! I'M SO DONE WITH THIS. I want to be sane again.

I hope you guys are doing better than I am.
-K

Yesterday and today

2011-12-03T06:51:00.000-05:00

Hello, everyone! Hello, new followers! I'm honored to have you aboard :)

So... yesterday was Day 3 of my third try at the HSGD, for which I've been weighing myself everyday. On Thursday, was 107, and then yesterday I was 105.6 which I know can't possibly be right (maybe I'm dehydrated?), but it was just such a relief to see that number starting to approach my normal (acceptable) range.

Then, I went to one class (my last of the semester, THANK GOODNESS!) and then I went to bake some rainbow cakes in jars for the frat I'm in. C wasn't there; A was, and not too many other people, so we got in some quality time. We sat next to each other for a while and were kind of casually making physical contact as we went about our business. (I was going to say "touching each other" but that doesn't seem to be quite right.) Like... my arm would rub against his knee as I stirred and then he'd reach over me to grab a chip (and say something really cute like, "Sorry. I just really needed a chip!" and kind of smile and UGH!), so then I'd reach over him for a spoon or something... It felt like the summer again.

At one point, he was asking me if I eat dinner in the dining hall in my dorm every night for dinner, and I told him that I eat there sometimes, "when I eat dinner" which just kind of came out. Something about him makes me in the mood for honesty. So then he was like, "and the rest of the time you go anorexic?" as a joke.

And I froze because he has no idea. If I were anorexic, I'd be the kind of skinny that I want to be, but my ED is a mix, and I haven't had an anorexic period for 4 years. And I know the way things are now are probably healthier... idk. I could write a whole book on my feelings about this topic, but I guess it's like, "the grass is always greener on the other side."

Anyhow, eventually I said something stupid like, "I... eat lunch" (man, do I eat one hell of a lunch. 700 calories?!?) and grabbed a chip. I mean, it's not like I don't eat anything during dinner hours (I'd be much skinnier if I didn't), but it's not dinner; it's snack-ish. Bananas and cashew butter, etc.

But now that everyone thinks I don't eat dinner, I might as well not. I'm out of food in my room anyway...

And this was my intention, but then I got guilted into hanging out with some people and C was there (yuck) and I got coerced into having dinner with them and felt really guilty because I hadn't wanted to have dinner and the vegetables tasted oily and I wasn't about to screw up the HSGD AGAIN because then I'd just be a failure. So I had a slight panic-attack, ate veggies and fruit and a few beans, and (by my estimation) just hit the caloric mark for the day.

And now, today:

Today we have a ceremony for our new members, which A will be attending, and then tonight we have our formal and afterparty which, rumor has it (aka my friend E) that A will ALSO be attending. Which I feel like I've mentioned, but my short-term memory has been HORRIBLE lately.

Anyhow, these are some of the last few times I'm going to see him this semester (for over a month! grrrrrrr) so I wanna make them count. Also, I really wanna make out with him. I haven't hooked up with anyone since him (sad, I know), and I'm pretty sure he hasn't hooked with anyone since me.

So, I've asked E to, at some point, distract C so that I can actually, maybe, have some time with him. Not that I know what to do with it. Maybe ask him to dance? That's what I did last semester, if you recall, and what, perhaps, kinda kickstarted things between us (which is an inaccurate phrase for it makes it seem as if any sort of "relationship" we have/ have had has moved anything but slothlike...) but I'm afraid. I don't wanna come on too strongly, or pressure him, or be rejected.

Am I hopeless?

I'm gonna go back to sleep now (I hope) and, hopefully, today will go ok.

Have a great weekend, guys!

~K

Blah

2011-11-23T14:33:00.000-05:00

I got a scale this morning. I stepped on it post-breakfast burrito and I was 107.7. Ew.

I mean... I guess it's not as bad as it could be. I've been off my wagon for--what? A month? And yesterday I ate 1600 calories.

So I guess it could be much worse, but still. I'm getting to 100 by Christmas. (Is that possible?)

In other news, I won't be eating a lot today because my throat's killing me. I think I'm getting some sort of flu: my limbs feel heavy, my body feels sore, and my skin hurts. The friction of soft cotton against my forearm is actually uncomfortable. Wtf?

And I have to travel today-- planes and layovers, and I don't even get in until after midnight. And then tomorrow's Thanksgiving and the next few days I need to do some hardcore work on a paper while, somehow, having bonding time with the fam. I can't afford to be sick!!!

Blah.

I hope you guys are all doing well, and if you're celebrating tomorrow, have a happy Thanksgiving and try not to stress out too much! You've probably been doing really well, in which case one day can't do much harm. Good luck!

-K

Fail

2011-11-21T13:06:00.000-05:00

This morning people brought marzipan to my French class. I love marzipan; I ate some.

Then my friends were going for coffee. I got a small, black decaf. But still.

Why do I fail so hard? And before noon!

I hate this. I've let down Bones and I've let down myself. In the few days leading up to thanksgiving, I should be preparing. You know... Just in case.

I've been eating way too much lately and it needs to stop. How do I make it stop?

raw food weekend: update

2011-11-20T23:02:00.000-05:00

Sooo, it's Sunday night. Besides a glass of wine last night (I was at a wine and cheese thing and felt awkward and when I feel awkward, I enjoy alcohol...), I've been raw all weekend.

I feel like I'm going to explode. Today was one big fruit and nut binge, which I guess is better than eating a shitload of snackfood but still. It's not ok. Luckily, I'm finished with all the nuts, so maybe I'll extend this through tomorrow and just try to eat fruit...? Le sigh. I used to be decent at losing weight.

I guess I've been stressed out lately about the whole C and A thing. C asked me to coffee yesterday so we could chat. She talked about how she was a huge bitch and I sat there and said nothing because she was and because she doesn't seem to realize how not ok it is to be that deluded... especially for someone so histrionic. It's a toxic combination and I have enough toxicity in my life.

She kept me there talking for an hour, and we slowly built back up some sort of rapport because we're going to be working together next semester and we do see each other a lot at events for our organization. At the wine and cheese thing, I was thinking about how (surprisingly) relieved I felt, and then I realized that she was following A around. Again.

I was talking to him, too. We were actually having one of the first normal (for us, which means kind of awkward... but cute) conversations we've had since the summer and then- BAM! There she is, by his side, poking at him or tapping him on the shoulder or whining at him. I don't even know.

This happens every time. She seriously has become his stalker. It's gross.

And what's even more gross is that despite what she said when we (she) had coffee, I think that she DOES think that something's going to happen between them-- that it will if she tries hard enough, or that it's inevitable, or some shit like that. I think she thinks that deep down he has feelings for her. But you know what? Ever since I've cut ties with her and she's really begun to embrace that crazy-bitch role, he's been reaching out to me and being, well, flirty again. Like... we're approaching the point we were at in the summer.

At the party, this guy friend of mine wanted to pick me up (he'd just picked A up haha), and then A said something about wanting to pick up someone, so I volunteered myself. He picked me up and walked into the foyer; he held me while we said goodbye to some people who were leaving (which took some time), and then brought me back to the dining room and we kind of smiled at each other. It was nice. I had my arms around his neck and it just felt... comfortable. Natural. Like my body remembered his.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury (I've been reading a lot of Nabokov), I still have feelings for A; I want to make that clear. Maybe I shouldn't, I don't know, but I think that he might be interested too. And maybe it's just wishful thinking, but the last time I thought this, I was right. And this would surely explain this sudden effort (though he tends to fumble-- which I find cute, but very confusing) he's been making with me.

Maybe he took one look at new, crazier C and realized that a lot of the "options" out there, well, aren't.

I guess we'll have to wait and see.

-K

raw food weekend!

2011-11-18T22:48:00.000-05:00

Bones and I are doing a raw food fast this weekend starting at midnight. I've been interested in going raw for a while now, so this should be a good trial run.

I've been reading a lot of articles online claiming that raw foodism clears skin, aids in weight loss, adds energy, etc. which sound awesome, but I remember reading similar things about veganism, and the results really aren't that dramatic. So who knows.

But yeah. I'm super excited! I'm gonna go grocery shopping tomorrow and but TONS of fruit and whatever else I can find and it's gonna be awesome!

Tonight. Midnight. Join in if you'd like.

:) K

bleh

2011-11-18T12:35:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I had 1300 cal. That was NOT the plan.

Today I've had 650 and I'm pretty full, so maybe I just won't eat anything else. That'll help make up for yesterday.

My stomach looks weird. I think I need to get a scale but I'm afraid. What if I've gained a shitload of weight?

Bleh. I hate food. I want to stop buying it.

I need to stop eating so much. This isn't ok. Last night I felt sick. Ugh. Maybe this weekend I'll try to just eat raw foods or fruit or something to detox...

Happy Friday, everyone!

-K

Day 2: HSGD take 2!

2011-11-16T11:52:00.000-05:00

Somehow, after being successful for a whole week, I convinced myself to stop last time ("It's unhealthy!" "You're fine!" blah blah blah).

Why do I always pull shit like that? I mean, I'm really not looking too good nowadays and I have a formal coming up in 2 weeks. Bleh.

So this time I'm completing this. If I know I'm gonna go over, I start saving up calories. That's what's gonne happen.

Also, I know I keep saying that I'm gonna catch up with all of you guys and then I don't so I'm really sorry! This year has just been really hectic so far, but the semester's almost over (yay!) and then I'll have 5 weeks to get back on the blogger track!

:) K

HSGD: Day 1

2011-10-30T20:58:00.000-04:00

So I've decided to do the Heathy Skinny Girl Diet because I felt disgusting this weekend. I was (and still am, sadly) bloated, granted, but it was embarassing. I saw a lot of people I hadn't seen in a while too.

Also, there's a dinner this weekend that I want to look fab for, and then a party next week. And if I could look decent by tomorrow to hopefully go out, that would be nice too, though unlikely.

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ljfy9mlFDS1qho2pmo1_500.png

^^^ That's the link if you're unfamiliar w/ HSGD is. I was until I saw that a few people on here are doing it and decided to look it up.

It looks much more managable than the SGD which I've never even attempted. In fact, today I'm 100 under my limit! Yay!

I'll be so proud of myself once I've kept this up for all 30 days! (<-- positive thinking)

Are any of you on this/ have done it?

-K

Terrible Person (like the Rooney song)

2011-10-27T11:30:00.000-04:00

C jumped the gun on this one; she and A appear to be nowhere near being together.

Now, I don't think this is me in denial; it's me looking at the facts: he was drunk (DRUNK!) and held her hand (THAT'S IT!) one time (ONE TIME!). I mean, really?

And she thinks that'll amount to anything?

Please. I got WAY further than that, so she needs to calm down.

Also, she's looking for a relationship; he's looking for sex. She's not gonna give him that without a relationship.

IF they attempted anything, it would be a hot mess. And maybe I'm being a bad friend for saying this, but I'm glad. And I'm glad that he's started showing a bit more interest in me because if I could score him now that she's interested... that's bad. I sound like one of those petty girls that I hate but it's true and I need to tell someone!

I'm just so done with C. I feel so much better (and so much less stressed!) now that we aren't friends anymore.

Moving on...

I'm going to start losing weight again. I accidentally left my scale at the house over the summer and the guy I subletted from is acting weird and seems intent on keeping it. (Whatever.) So I'm going to buy a new one. This weekend.

And I'm going to get down to the 90s before the end of the semester.

I'm meeting someone for lunch now so I've gotta go, but this feels good. I'm going to be here more often.
-K

Two months, too long

2011-10-13T22:23:00.000-04:00

I resent college for making me so crazy that I haven't been on here for two months. Not getting to interact with anyone who knows about/ understands this side of me is emotionally exhausting, and frankly, makes me feel like I'm quickly approaching crazy.

Nice ego boost, eh?

I need to go to sleep and I've had an absolutely dreadful day, so the quicker it ends, the better. Two highlights:

The good- I'd been having more and more slip-ups lately, but I got weighed today at the clinic (bloated AND wearing heavy-ish clothes since it was cold-- 4 lbs, maybe? idk) and I was 106 lbs. I'm pretty sure I was 107 the last time they weighed me. So that's something.

The bad- Remember how C was trying to get me together with A? Well, apparently he has shown interest in her since last month and now she likes him. She told me this and I cried outside of the library and people stared.

I was nice about it-- very classy-- but inside I'm crushed and the thought of them liking each other makes me nauseas. It makes me want to dig my nails into my skin and rip myself out.

And take a leave-of-absense from school. That too.

But I won't do either of these things. I don't know what I'm going to do...

Anyhow, I've missed you guys. Hopefully, this is the beginning of some semi-regular blogging! And I need to catch up on your blogs. I hope you've been happy and are doing fantastically!

Take care,
K

It's finally here!

2011-08-15T20:12:00.000-04:00

As promised, thinspo for my amazing followers!!! :)

So, I woke up today and there was a not on the table from A. Something about his drunk friend ripping a magazine...

Whatever. Thing is, I didn't know he was back; I didn't even think he'd BE back, but obviously he was... and maybe still IS, but I don't know. I haven't seen him today. Which is good because I look like crap.

But when I got to the bottom of that note and saw his name there, I felt better... like my life was less empty. (A sensation probably caused by the fact that I haven't had a decent conversation in DAYS since everyone in the house is either gone, at work most of the day, or shut in their rooms doing who-knows-what. I miss how it used to be)

Anyhow, I'm not going to weight myself until the weekend due to bloating. I feel like beinging SOOO badly, and a sub-optimal weight wouldn't help matters. I need to know/ tell myself that I'm still descending, that I'm still on track...

People are starting to move back for the semester, so I need to make sure I'm at the top of my game!

I hope you all are well, and welcome new follower!!! :)

-K

tumblr

2011-08-13T21:39:00.004-04:00

Any of you have one? I just got one.

http://katnotjas.tumblr.com/

-K

breaking/ broken news

2011-08-10T21:33:00.000-04:00

So, remember when I told you about my friend L coming to visit? Well, she did! And it awesome. I got to show her around; she loves the campus and got along really well with my housemates.

And you know what else? She got A to loosen up around me. Perhaps by relaying so many stories from my past that I was no longer very mysterious at all, but quirky-cool? Maybe.

(That's how I like to think of myself, anyway. That is, when I'm having one of my happy-with-myself days.)

So last night:

L decided to take a bus home reeeally early this morning, so we decided we might as well see if we can just stay up. So we're sitting in the living room, watching TV, and A comes in and hangs with us. Then he decides that we're gonna take shots so he goes to get the supplies (including my shot glass that had been chilling in his room since the roof night, which he uses to take his shots with-- as if the boundaries are slowly crumbling, but in the best possible way).

So we have a round. As you know, I'm the lightest of all lightweights and after a few minutes I'm totally feeling it.

A few minutes later, A decides it's time for another round and pours us some more.

At that point, A and I are alone on this couch in the corner, and L and various housemates are on the other couches celebrating the end of classes, projects, internships, etc. We're watching TV and talking. I'm kind of leaning against A, my hand on his arm, and having a terrific time.

Then, we have another round. People start emptying out to get some sleep. I'm kind of... stroking A's bicep (??? lmao) and he has his hand on my knee.

Then L and A have another shot (L is totally FINE by the way... loose maybe, but not tipsy) and I have half of one. My hand wanders around near A's neck and I've got my head/ chin kind of propped on his shoulder and he's playing with the hem of my dress.

We're talking kind of softly to each other about the weird-ass commercials and what we think's going on in the TV show and I'm making it a point to make as much eye-contact with him as possible.

And then suddenly his face is turning and then we're kissing, like I'd imagined so many times before. (Thankfully, I'm too drunk-ish to be nervous, since I really have very little knowledge of this sort.) We pause for a few moments and then resume.

Then, he suggests we go into my room to try on sunglasses (kind of our thing). We're looking at them, and the next thing I know, he's closing the door and we're kissing more and he's lowering my down onto my bed.

And this is a new experiance for me; I don't want to stop it because I'm just so damn curious to see what's going to happen next.

I'll skip the details. I'm still a virgin, but he proves quite smooth, and by the end I'm, well, not wearing clothes.

Also, a new experiance for me.

So, we're lying on my bed, looking up at the ceiling. I'd asked why he's never asked me out. He tells me that he isn't looking for anything serious.

Which, I think, I knew as soon as I began walking toward my room. Or maybe before: maybe after he started kissing me the second time.

I don't know, but it doesn't come as a shock. (Maybe because deep down I feel like I'm never going to have a real relationship with someone I'm actually into.)

He says it's because he works crazy-hard (which is true), and I say I understand, because, intellectually, I do. I tell him that I wish it were different, that he didn't have to work that hard. He tells me it's something that he can't change because he's secretly crazy which "no one really knows."

I tell him I get that too, because I do.

He's suspected that I wanted something more. He says he's probably a jerk for doing that right before he leaves. I tell him he's not, because he's just so... genuine about all of this, and that I wish he didn't have to go. He says he wishes the same thing.

And then my brain starts wildly re-calculating, trying to figure out if it's possible that this was what he was after all along. So I ask him if that's why he danced with me at that after-party that I hold so dear to my heart.

And that's when he admits that he'd been pretty drunk and didn't really know what he was doing... which he says he realizes must sound really bad.

I let out a soft "sh!t."

Then I ask him if it has anything to do with the fact that we're in this organization together. He says kind of.

I let out a soft "f*ck," and try to nervously laugh out some of the tension I feel building within me.

"I really like you, too," I say. "Sh!t."

We lie in silence for a while. Then we get dressed, he goes up to sleep and I return to L.

***

Now, after hardly sleeping at all and waking up in a cold sweat (and, miraculously, not AT ALL hungover), I'm probably not in the best shape to be sifting through last night's events... but analysis is simply my nature. So, I've come up with a few explanations:

Taking shots was to make it easier to "get in my pants"
Or, it was for him, so that he'd have a little extra confidence with which to make a move (would also account for why he did it on his last night here, for if it went wrong, he would be able to avoid me for at least a couple of weeks)
Of, I suppose, he could have simply wanted to drink and the rest happened on its own accord

And a few interpretations of what he was trying to say to me (though we both weren't at out best and I don't remember everything, so this could prove to be entirely speculative):

That hooking up was a one-time thing and he wants to go back to being friends because of complications it could cause
He's interested in a fwb-type situation
That he's afraid of starting a relationship
That he was attracted to me and wanted to get it out of his system
That he doesn't even really like me, but made a mistake and was trying to let me down easily
Some combo of 1, 4, and 5
That he's just as confused as I am

And a few possible next steps:

Text him something like, "last night was fun" and give fwb a try
Wait until he's back from his vacation or until school starts and ask if he wants to hang out
* and try talking this out in person (and completely sober)
Don't do anything/ wait it out

If anyone has ANY ADVICE AT ALL of simply feels like voting for any of these options, please do, because I've never been involved in anything like this before and both L and E (the one who tried to set us up) are at a loss and I REALLY don't want to go there with my mom. (Too awkward.)

I've never experianced so much confusion caused by such a short period of time. Life is really strange/ miraculous, isn't it?

Now, I'm off to FINALLY catch up on all your wonderful blogs! I hope your days have been much less dramatic/ confusing than mine!

-K

welcome to my neuroses

2011-08-08T11:17:00.000-04:00

hey, guys! sorry i've been gone. i was on a thinspo binge (i've collected A LOT... and, of course, i will slowly share it with you!) and then i was summoned to my mother's abode to attend my grandpa's funeral. and then i felt guilty because i wasn't that sad because i didn't really know him.. and then i felt guilty about feeling guilty because i don't think he would have wanted that. and then i felt guilty about feeling guilty about feeling guilty because that's just stupid/ a waste of time.

i weighed myself right when i got there and i was 100.2. on the scale that said i was 106 at the beginning of the summer.

but something about just being there makes me gain. i definitely didn't eat badly.. simply ok, but i'm probably back at 102. (i look puffier, at least.)

i got back yesterday, and i definitely look better today, though, which is good. and today my friend is coming up to visit me which is AWESOME.. but i kind of want some alone time with A (i missed him SOOO much. i swear, as soon as i left, i was like "bleh!!!"), and now i feel guilty for that.

so now i'm guilty x4.. plus one more guilty for just writing about my grandpa in this post like it's nbd.

blahhh.

new followers, i'm not usually this un-fun. I SWEAR.

anyhow, i'm way, way behind on your blogs! in a few days, my friend will be gone and i will catch up. pinky promise.

-K

101.2 and more photos

2011-07-23T13:45:00.000-04:00

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!! I literally stepped on the scale and was like whaaa? And it took me a few seconds to realize that it was/ is a very good thing.

Less than 2 lbs 'til I'm back in the double digits! That's INSANE.

I CANNOT screw this up.

It's really, really hot here so I'm feeling pretty sluggish so how about we just move on to some photos?

Question: What do you think it means when a guy is more shy around you than other people?

Also, hellooo new followers!!! Welcome, welcome! <3

:) K

we're back!

2011-07-19T23:20:00.000-04:00

First off, I just wanna say that YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME!!! Seriously. And now there are 2 more of you than when I last posted which is AWESOME and I'm just so glad that you guys are following and commenting and just being really cool cats. ;)

Sorry. Had to get a little gush-y for a second.

Now... A and I are back in action! Which I was really excited about and grateful for yesterday when I first saw him since Saturday and we talked normally... and today I'm still happy (because whenever we're having a good convo I'm happy!), but beginning to grow impatient again.

That seems to be what I do. Even if something is good, if it isn't good enough it needs to change. But usually when I try to change it, I just screw things up. (This applies to my eating as well.)

I have begun to realize, though, that when I'm at a good place anxiety and/ or depression-wise, this perfectionism becomes easier to control... and then I end up screwing up things much less. Ironic.

But I am an ironic person.

Anyhow, now that I'm done analyzing myself... that's what's up. I'm feeling all, I wanna beee with youuu. Which is totally gross... but totally true. I'm feeling sooo past talking in the kitchen with various third people always present.

I wanna go out, man! Out on the town! Have an actual reason to put on a dress kind of out.

I hope he didn't mean it when he was all ehhh about dating someone in our organization. I hope he was just following J's lead...

And now my mind travels back in time to the after-party. It always seems to end up there... the beginning and the end.

Anyhow, I SHOULDN'T be impatient. I've began volunteering, so hopefully that will keep me sane(r)... otherwise, I'll have to give meditation or something a go or I will go INSANE... and/ or screw things up irreversibly this time.

I'm going to end this now, for these posts have become ridiculously long. Thinspo post to follow.

-K

Question remembered:

2011-07-18T11:38:00.000-04:00

Have any of you ever done a (colon) cleanse?

I wanna try one before the summer's over, and I'm looking for suggestions!

(My body thanks you.)

:) K

Photo update: July 2011

2011-07-18T11:26:00.001-04:00

I think I should do one of these every month, to keep track, etc.

Yep. That's me.

GAHHH! I had a question to ask you guys, but I forgot it. Maybe I'll write a little and see if I can remember it. I think it had something to do with grapes...

The A Thing:

So I didn't see him AT ALL yesterday (go me?), so I had some time to do some (over)analyzing. This is what I've come up with: he's acting weird because

he was interested, but my being a virgin freaked him out
" but my coming on so strongly(ish) freaked him out
" but he didn't appreciate hearing me insulting him loudly through the open kitchen window
" but my general awkwardness made him lose interest
any combo of #s 1-4
he never liked me, so it matters not

BUT I COULD HAVE SWORN HE DID!!! Arggg!

I mean, I guess he was SLIGHTLY snappish in general on Friday, so it is SLIGHTLY possible that he was just in a bad mood... but then again, it's possible that I, Kat not Jas, put him in that bad mood in the first place...

Oh, hey! And we got in trouble for being (and drinking) on the roof because the guy who kicked us off decided to be a little b!tch and tattle on us to the house director BEFORE even talking to us.

So yesterday I wake up from a relaxing nap to this little gem of an email:

A, J, Kat not Jas:

I am VERY disappointed about what happened a few nights ago. It was completely inappropriate and frankly it was rude and disrespectful. You know the house rules and have common sense. I didn't think it needed to be spelled out for you that the fire escapes are only to be used in emergencies, i.e. things like, you know, escaping fires. They are not there for recreational purposes, and A, there is a responsibility in having a room with a fire escape that I would have thought you could be counted on to handle. It's a shame all of you weren't more mature. Including you, J, an older Brother.

This blatant disregard for the house, city, and landlord's rules, and disrespect for your House Manager and Brother, whose absence you clearly took advantage of, is extremely insulting. Not only that, but you were thoughtless and it's almost a slap in the face to all your Brothers in [our organization]. You all know that the previous long term renter's of our house put it on a police watch list due to reckless behavior. That is one of the reasons why, as you all also know, there is no drinking outside the house, like on the porch. Let alone on the roof. If the police had seen you, or our landlord had found out, can you not imagine any potential consequences? Does that seem like the kind of problem a landlord cares to have to deal with of their tenants, especially in a town when there is no shortage of demand so there would surely be hardly a difficulty in finding other tenants? You are looked at as [our organization]. It is [our organization] who rents the house, not individuals. So the actions of the individuals in the house reflect as [our organization] to our landlord. It is the actions of the individuals who effect the relationship with the landlord and the renewing of our lease each year so that [our organization] continues to have a house.

All of this in addition to the obvious fact that it was dangerous, especially while drinking, and any of you could have easily gotten hurt. All it would have taken was one slip of your footing.

It has also not been lost on me that you may have initially tried to ignore, feign ignorance of, or avoid responsibility in regards to [little b!tch who told on us] finding you there and his response. I hope that this further disrespect of another Brother is not true. And I expect no ill will from any of you towards him in the future as a reaction to his actions about this.

I hope that I can trust that there won't be more behavior like this from the three of you.

Yeeeah.

Ok, it wasn't the best idea that we ever had, but there's A LOT of sh!t wrong with this. Like, for instance, hr assumption that I was aware of any house rules. Ummm... no? I heard that the room was opening up, I fb messaged the guy, we decided on a price, and he told me what day to come.

That's it. C'est tout.

So no, I'm NOT feigning ignorance, thank you very much. Maybe I should have assumed that the roof was off-limits, but EVERYONE who has a roof like ours in this town chills on it.

Also, I love how she talks about drinking outside being a non-no when that's EXACTLY what the guy who found us did on his bday. Should I email her and tell her that HE wasn't obeying the rules? No. Because I'm not five!

But I think my favorite part is that she seems to believe that this involved some forethought-- that we waited til the House Manager was gone AND THEN went on the roof. F*ck no. We would have gone anyway because none of us remember/ know the rules and because it was a completely spur of the moment thing.

I'm just really angry, and frankly disappointed, that the guy who found us didn't at least wait until the morning and talk to us first. When he said he'd sent an email, I thought he'd sent just a general reconstruction of what happened so that she could send out a general email to everyone (which she did 5 hours she sent this gem to us) to tell us not to do this.

But, no. He goes and names names.

If he was TRULY only worried about our safety, why would he HAVE to do this? Now we're all pissed and in bad standing with the house director, so thanks. Next semester's gonna be fun.

Again, it was NOT the smartest move, but it's summer and we attend one of the most intense and stressful colleges in the country and we wanted to have fun and do something just a teensy bit out there. We didn't mean any harm.

Ugh, guys. I'm sorry I keep dumping all this stuff on you guys! This can't be fun to read. Hopefully things will start looking up...

And I still can't remember what I was gonna ask you. :'(

Hey! Here's a good thing: all this stress has triggered some of my stomach issues and made me not hungry. So I've been eating about 800 cal... and I'm pretty much force-feeding myself because I'm paranoid that my metabolism is gonna shut down and I'll end up gaining weight in a few weeks...

So, yeah. That's my story!

How are you guys?

-K

ps. Welcome, new followers!!! I can't believe there are over 70 of you! That's crazy! Love you all <3

Too much

2011-07-16T20:02:00.000-04:00

I just saw A pulling out of the driveway, a girl in the passenger seat.

And she isn't me.

Do you ever ask yourself how the hell it is that you got to a certain point, only to look back and say, "oh yeah." That's me right now.

You see, things were going pretty well: we were slowly moving forward-- ie. having actual conversations. And then, as you know, I started to get impatient, because that's what I do when things are going well. I want them to be going even BETTER, and start speeding up and taking shortcuts... and eventually ending up worse off than when I started. (I think that's what happens with my weightloss, too.)

So, Tuesday night we went mini-golfing with 2 of our friends/ housemates, one of whom is a female, J. I really like J. She's loads of fun, and she's a year older than me so she's great to go to for advice. I didn't, however, like seeing A flirting with J. I mean, it's not like it was really obvious or anything; we were all just kind of goofing off, but I'm a jealous person, and I'd never seen him flirt with anyone before. I didn't even know that he could! With me, he was all shy, but with her he seemed confortable. So that was a bit of a downer.

Then, Wednesday comes. J and I are in the kitchen at like 11 pm hanging out and laughing like we usually do (I really do like this girl. She's sweet, but she can also be visciously funny!), and A comes in. So the 3 of us are chatting for a few minutes and then he asks us if we want to go on the roof (his room has access). Obviously, we're like f*ck yeah! (I swear, this girl brings out this fun, wild side of me that I never knew was there and now never want to part with.) So, we grab some alcohol and some glasses and head up...

THE ROOF STORY:

It's pretty damn eventful, so I won't include everything. (Not that I could, as some of it has slipped my mind...)

Anyhow, we climb onto the roof, sit on a tarp, and start drinking. They have regular glasses and both only fill it up once, and I have a shot glass, which I fill up 3 times. (Which is a mistake because I'm a super lightweight, but it was just one of those nights when I wanted to get drunk, because I wanted to feel comfortable and loose, and I don't drink often, so I thought I deserved it.)

So we're sitting and talking and then we're lying down and talking and then we get cold so the three of us are lying under a blanket (the thing completely covering us) talking. And as time goes by, they get looser, and I get somewhat drunk.

A's in the middle, and first a start kind of stroking his hair and then J and I are resting our heads on his shoulders, and at various points I'm either holding his hand, running my fingers down his chest, or rubbing his jaw. (Yep.)

Anyhow, we, being horny college kids, of course end up talking about sex and hooking up and I learn a lot of very interesting things, but these really stand out:

A wanted to watch J and I hookup/ was interested in having a threesome with us (which, frankly, surprised the crap out of me-- not that he wanted it, but that he was admitting it, because he's usually ridiculously quiet)
A isn't a virgin (which at first disappointed me, but now I kind of like it)
he's iffy about dating someone in the organization we're all in, but he would totally hook up
he thinks (says) that J and I are 2 of the most attractive girls in the organization

Now, of course, it wasn't just him talking; there was some back-and-forth. So here are some gems that I divulged:

I'm a virgin who's ready to burst
I think his older brother (also in the organization, though I haven't met him yet) is hot
I think A's the most attractive person in the organization
I don't think I'm very pretty (which guys obviously LOVE to hear. not.)
and I'm pretty sure I hinted not so discreetly that I want to have sex with him

Yeah.

Now, I'm sure this will be HILARIOUS in time, but it's a bit too fresh now.

That isn't all though! The person whose room we were lounging in front of made us leave, and I was really dizzy so A had to HELP me up to his window (and guys LOVE drunk girls. not.) and then A and J held my hands all the way downstairs to my room and then they tucked me into bed.

Yep. Like they're my freakin' parents.

I got up a few minutes later to go to the bathroom and heard A talking in J's room, but on the way back, he was gone. (I don't know what this means, but it makes me paranoid.)

END OF ROOF STORY

The next morning: I see A when we're having breakfast and I apologize for being awkward the night before (according to my friend, I was supposed to pretend nothing had happened. go me.), and then tell him that if there's a next time we're on the roof together I promise not to molest him (I think I actually used that word too. what a winner).

Then we have our own days, blah blah. J tells me not to worry, that I didn't do anything too embarassing and that tucking me in was "cute," but she's nice so I'm not sure if I believe her... But A comes home and we're all in the kitchen talking and joking around like always, and I swear that when we're standing next to each other and he looks at me, his eyes are sparkling. (pupil dilation? that would be most welcome!)

Then A's supposed to come with the group I'm going with to the HP midnight showing, and we got tickets for a separate theatre. He backs out last minute since he has work the next morning and I try to act cool but I think it was obvious that I'm upset. Then, as we're driving away, I ask loudly why A is "being such a douche" and then realize the window of the car and the room he was just in are open. (aweeesome.)

The next day: It's our friend's bday, so we're going to a dinner for him. I'm nervous about seeing A because I fear he might have heard me not-so-nice exclamation and/ or be freaked out by the fact that I'd really wanted him to come. He texts me around 6 asking a question about gifts, so I think that maybe we're cool, but when he gets to the restaurant, it's pretty obvious that we're not. We sit next to each other and he can hardly look at me or talk to me (and I'm having a similar problem). I mean, we manage a few short but flirty-ish exchanges, but the whole thing is just so awkward.

A few hours later, we head out to a party. We're standing on the porch talking to separate people (I'm talking to a guy and debating about anthropology and A seems to be glancing at me), and then they leave. So I step over to him and start a convo and it's still pretty awkward, but alright, and we have a few more flirty exchanges, but it's obvious that he's uncomfortable (and I am too, since he is).

Then we all go to play Kings and he leaves. As I'm walking back with a guy from the house, I notice his light is on, and consider going up under the pretense of getting my shotglass back, but decide against it.

So, right now I'm giving him space, at the sage advice of my friend, because he's probably (rightfully) kind of freaked out right now. I saw him briefly this afternoon. He was heading out the door with some friends and saw each other and waved at the same time. Very casual. Casual cool. Etc.

And I'm gonna stick with it, because now is the time when damage control, I think (hope), is possible. And because he's such a nice guy and doesn't deserve to be freaked out.

But still, seeing him in that car with that girl (even though I think/ hope she's just a friend) hurts, because I'm worried that by coming to ctown and acting like a freak I've ruined any chance I ever had of being that girl driving in the car with him.

:'(

103.2

2011-07-15T13:56:00.000-04:00

Thank goodness. Really. I think taking the vitamin C and alternating between drinking yerba mate and green tea in the morning is helping. (knock on wood!)

To keep from getting discouraged, I've decided to only weigh myself once a week, after a good day (calorie-wise) and a good sleep.

Now I've got about 40 days and 4 pounds to lose. I NEED TO DO THIS!

Any tips?

Has anyone seen Harry Potter? I went last night at midnight and it was FANTASTIC! I don't cry during movies (except Toy Story 3), but I cried several times during it.

And at the end I was bawling!

Crazy, crazy night.

Also, I believe I have a new follower. Welcome, welcome!!! :)

-K

phone call

2011-07-13T13:56:00.000-04:00

So yesterday I was talking to madre, and she was getting kind of frustrated because I was being kind of vague about my plans to visit and so it just kind of slipped out: I told her about A. I didn't intend to, but at the same time I wanted her to know. I mean, my mom's pretty awesome. She's like a friend to me.

So of course she immediately understood. And I was feeling pretty good. And then she had to go all parental and told me to "be safe."

First off, we're nowhere NEAR that point. We haven't even been on a date. We, like, just figured out how to somewhat-flirt with each other.

And second, I SOOO do not want to talk to her about that. Ever. She's cool and I'll talk to her about my relationships, but never about THAT.

(Sidenote: I was at the campus health center this morning and I DID pick up a couple of complimentary condoms. Just in case. Boy is my mom good at getting into my head!)

^^^ huh. These actually kind of work as a collection.

Anyway, then our convo ended up heading in another direction: to H. She knows him somewhat because she's met him on multiple occasions, and she just gets people like him.

Anyhow, she started talking about how he was smitten with me and how she'd been able to tell from the start.

And how when I called him on it in a poem I wrote and read at a rather large gathering, he was embarassed but it made him even more interested.

And she's not a bullsh*tter.

So, in way, this kind of made my life. I mean, it was nice to get some confirmation that I'm NOT crazy, and that this thing-- whatever it was/ is-- was, indeed, two-sided. And that such a handsome and wonderful guy could have interest in me.

But I also wish I'd known this before-- when he was somewat available. I was too young, that's true, but what if I could have done something?

I'm glad we had that conversation, though. I'm glad I know.

And now I have A to work on. Good ol' age-appropriate A, with whom I'M smitten. With whom I'm seeing a movie tomorrow (even though it's not a date), and who, in his shy, little way, has expressed interest. I think. (Though obviously I was underestimating H's interest. I always assumed he just thought I was kind of cute and pretty interesting.)

Gosh, I'm nervous.

He's leaving on a short trip in a couple of weeks, so I wanna make a move. And since I've become a somewhat impatient person, I want to make a move NOW. (aka either tomorrow at/ before the movie or Friday when we're supposedly gonna be drinking)

ANY TIPS???

I really, really like him. I mean, I think I'll always have SOME feelings for H, and if in the future we're ever both single...

But he's no longer the priority. And that, I think, makes all the difference.

-K

to itunes... and quickly!

2011-07-13T08:00:00.001-04:00

The free song of the week, Suitcases by Dara Maclean, is one that I'm finding quite (th)inspirational at the moment. :)

Check it out!

-K

EDIT: It's not the free song anymore. I apologize.

home-ish

2011-07-12T11:58:00.000-04:00

First, a question: What's the most accurate scale you've used? I'm looking for a new one, because the one I stole from home is pretty old for an electronic (7? 8 years?) and the one here looks even older.

Any recommendations would be AMAZING!

Now, onto some news...

I haven't been able to post for a while due to my hectic house-hopping schedule, but now I'm in ctown and have been for a week. And it feels good! It's nice to finally be able to unpack and put my suitcase away... I finally feel secure. Like... I'm sitting in this room I'm renting in this house of this organization I'm involved in, and for the next month, it's MINE. I'm paying for it-- well, I'm TRYING to but the job hunt isn't going so well... But it's mine. I'm independent here. I can come and go as I please and I take care of my own meals (I'VE MISSED THIS SO MUCH).

I mean, I miss my family of course. I love them. But right now I can't be with them. I hadn't had time to process what a change it would be, so when I got to their new abode... I just couldn't handle it. Next time, I'll need to be ready. (And now my mom's guilting me into coming back next month which is superb...)

By Thanksgiving, I think I will be.

But right now, I'm so happy to be where I am. I LOVE this place. I love my university and I love the town where it's in. At the very least, I'd like to reture here, because it's just the coolest place. EVeryone is really artsy and relaxed and vegetarian or vegan (!!!), so I feel like I fit here. I walk into town and I feel like I'm with people I understand.

Though some people are pretty out there. ;)

But, yeah. Aside from the occasional boredom (most people in the house are taking classes or working during the day), I'm having the best time! I really am...

And it's definitely a plus that A's here. I feel like we're already more comfortable with each other, and we've gone out in a group, which is kind of the first step to dating, right?

Tonight we're mini-golfing with a couple of ther people, and on Thursday we're going to see HP with a group, but we'll be in a separate theatre from everyone else (because we bought our tickets later... but I'm certainly not complaining!).

He's shy, so I've been learning how to make the first move/ initiate conversations with him (which, being a shy gal myself, is really good for me), and I think I'm helping to ease both of us into the idea that we could date/ be a couple.

And the best thing is that I think he might be interested! (fingers crossed)

Cliffnote version of a long-ish story: he thought I was asking him to come to a movie with him and he looked really disappointed because he was supposed to be homeward-bound before that.

I just really want this to work out, because I think that it could. It's just difficult sometimes for me to figure out what's too forward (I'm pretty sure I haven't crossed that line yet haha) and what isn't quite forward enough for a shy guy like him.

Any tips? On this or the scale!

And now, I have a LOT of catching up to do on your wonderful blogs!

:) K

2011-07-03T12:52:00.000-04:00

103.6 this morning. Im relieved; my weight is going down, at least. and I did well yesterday: 900 cal, which officially makes up for fridays disaster.

fun fact: taking 500mg of vitamin c a day can help you burn 39% more fat during workouts. needless to say, Im gonna start taking some asap.

anyhow, Im on the bus to ctown right now. Im nervous because I dont really know the people there except A and... well, yeah. BUT Im excited to hopefully make some new friends and maybe finally get something going with A.

in short, ctown is FILLED with possibilities, but it is up to ME to get things going. that puts some pressure on me, i feel like if im calm, i can handle it.

though that could just be because i took a sedative this morning. oy vay.

i hope you guys are well! i shall catch up on your blogs upon my arrival.

:) K

2011-07-02T13:14:00.000-04:00

blurg. i weighed in @ 105 with my clothes on yesterday and 104 this morning. im supposed to be approaching 100! grrr...

i need to be good today.

2011-07-01T21:31:00.000-04:00

I just purged. a lot. more than I ever have before. it took 49 min.

I just couldnt resist. I was out fairly late last night and I feel like being tired had a negative impact on my willpower.

But I think I got it up so I think Im only a bit over my deficit.

I dont mean to be so gloom and doom though. Ive had a great couple of days! I was staying with some more family friends and one of them is my age. weve had a pretty long history, and its nice that we can just sort of pick up where we left off.

anyhow, atm Im babysitting and then Im going back to Ls house for two nights and then Im leaving for ctown. Im nervous as hell for that. I mean, Im gonna be living with this guy. he will most likely see me without my makeup, hear mej go to the bathroom...
j
its just very... foreign to me, living with a guy like that. Ive only lived with my brothers. and what if he doesnt like me any more? what if he never did in the first place.

I could have sworn he did but now c keeps telling me to move on. did I tell you that? well, I dont want to. I wanna get what I want!

and I wanna be 100 by the time my scale arrives. thats sooo happening. Ive decided not to spend any money theere that I didnt make.

should be interesting... well see.

48 hours.

purge-ish

2011-06-24T16:26:00.000-04:00

So I'm staying at another family-friend's house now. I was with L for a night but I just couldn't take it. I don't mean to sound ungrateful, it's just that she gets very moody and stubborn, and I have plenty of other options where people are neither of those things.

Anyhow, I woke up this morning to some lovely stomach pain. I couldn't go back to sleep, so I went to the bathroom, and realizing that the pain was located in the stomach rather than the intestines (yay, EMT training! lol), decided that it would be best to vomit. So I made myself do that... and fairly easily. I hadn't done it since that stint back in March, but I guess it's kind of like riding a bike...

So, yeah. That made me feel better. (I think I had too much fiber yesterday.) So I went back to sleep and finally got some rest.

I had a dream about H. (I've been dreaming about him a lot lately...) I was back in high school, I think, and he asked me for my number so that we could have a phone conversation about some speech I was writing (the grad speech I gave, probably). So he called me that night and asked me to come meet some people, so I went with him to this restaurant, and sure enough, all these people were there. I wished they weren't, but I was gracious and friendly and didn't let on.

Then, we all went to sit down to have dinner (I think I had a curry dish) and suddenly, they all disappeared and it was just H and me. But then the wife appeared and then it suddenly became all about me meeting her. Again, I was gracious and friendly, but I didn't really like her. I agreed with a lot that she said, but she didn't seem genuine.

Then, I think she disappeared again, but I'm not sure. I feel like something good happened, for I wpke up hopeful, but I can't remember. I hope that I do...

It's that time of the month now, and a few days ago, when it was just starting, I weighed myself with my clothes on and was 103.4! Sooo, hopefully by the time I go back up to ctown and see A, I'll be 100.

And then I can take ballet!

And then I can lose a few more pounds and be in the double-digits by the start of the semester!

That would make me ridiculously happy, so hopefully that scale was accurate! My mom's sending mine to ctown, so I guess I'll find out when I get there, which is less than 10 days away!

Wow.

Anyhow, I know I saw this every post, but I need to get caught up on your blogs again. I'm sorry! I hope you guys are doing well though!

And welcome, new followers!!! I love seeing you guys on my dashboard!

That sounds weird...

Best,

happy

2011-06-20T14:55:00.000-04:00

I love being here. These people really, truly feel like family.

They had a bbq yesterday and invited some extended family, and since my dad's away, I attended. It was wonderful. Everyone was so nice and welcoming and they all knew my mom since she's close with the mother.

The kids and I rode bikes. We rode all over the neighborhood-- up and down hills. My thighs hurt, but it was fun. I'd forgotten how much fun it is just to ride a bike. No destination.

Then there was vegan food. Couscous, some german potato salad. And corn. Corn is really wonderful isn't it? And watermelon. I've had more in the last two days than I had all last summer combined. I'm not sure why I didn't eat it more often...

Then the eldest daughter showed me how to make earrings. She's really very crafty. She reminds me of myself at that age. I love when she asks me for advice because I feel like I understand her, and thus am well equipped to help her.

I could live here forever and be happy. I really could.

At night we went and saw Super 8. It wasn't great, but it was cute. And Elle Fanning and the main boy were adorable!

And now all the kids are in school, so I'm sitting and typing and listening to music.

My old school is having its garduation in a few days, and I'm tempted to go. I wanna see if any of the speakers top my speech from last year.

And I kind of want to see H. Really badly, actually. Not to talk; just to see him. I don't know what good it would do if any...

Part of me wants to say I'm done with him and that place, but I'm not. Even if I don't see him, there are so many others there that I miss.

And I don't think I could NOT see him on a visit anyway. He's like a magnet. It really isn't fair.

Damn we had so many good times. Looking back, it's odd that we've come to this. But understandable. He was taken from the start (minus a dark month or two).

This all makes me feel so old.

I'm probably setting myself up for failure here, but I really wanna see him next year (in Novemeber or December, realistically) and shock him with my beauty. I know not what the result would be, or even what I'd want it to be. Maybe just a shock.

(Though throwing me up against the wall and... you know... would also be welcomed!)

Is that totally messed up?

In other news, I should now cross out smoking weed and smoking a cigar from that list thing I did last week, as I took part in both of those activities last Monday night. Remind me to tell you guys me weed story (it requires it's own separate post) because I think you may find it amusing. What I WILL say now is that when I choose to smoke again, I'll make sure to be with ONLY really good friends who know and accept my rather-frankness.

Yep.

Hope you all are doing well! I've noticed that many of you are losing like champs which is awesome! Keep it up, guys!!! :)

And welcome, my two lovely new followers!!!

P.S. I feel skinny-ish today for the first time in a month. And my stomach is pretty flat! Yay!!! Now, off to read...

-K

quick update

2011-06-18T21:20:00.000-04:00

I weighed myslef this morning fully clothed. 105.2 lbs. Hmpf.
My friend I was staying with got annoying, so now I'm staying with some family friends. I love them. They're smart and sweet and the daughters are like the little sisters I never had. AAAND their house is awesome; I have my own room and bathroom. I could live here forever, I swear!
I like bullet points. They get things done.
I texted A the other day because my friend told me to. He still hasn't texted back. My other friend who was orignally trying to hook us up is now suggesting I move on. I don't want to move on! I already have to figure out how to move on from H (and I've been trying for 2 years... and failing, obviously) so I really can't deal with all this A crap. I mean, I thought we hit it off... and he was talking about asking me out! He's so, so shy... and kind of awkward, so maybe that's it? I guess I'll find out when I see him in two weeks...
Speaking of which, I want my stomach erfectly flat by then, and my legs slimmer. I've just gotta stay on track...

Peace.

misc.

2011-06-17T11:22:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I wasn't hungry. I had to eat a tortilla wrap, though, because my friend seemed really weirded out. And as I ate it, I felt like I'd needed it. So, yesterday's intake was 500 cal.
I weighed myself after taking a shower, wet, fully-clothed, and with a huge towel on my head. I was 106, which I was relieved about.
I feel less numb now.
Check out Fed Up's "Lessons Learned" page. I'm finding it extremely helpful! http://insidetheotherme.blogspot.com/p/lessons-learned.html
Question: Has anyone been on lexapro and/ or wellbutrin and noticed weight loss or gain from either/ the combination of both?
I've decided to stay here until I head back up to CTown. Now all I have to do is call expedia.
I bought $90 worth of really cute clothes yesterday. They fit, but will look even better when I'm back in the double-digits.

Cheers, K

woes

2011-06-16T14:43:00.000-04:00

This is gonna be quick because my friend I'm staying with is waiting downstairs for me, but I don't wanna tell anyone about it who will wanna talk about it because I'm still kind of in shock and I'm upset and I just don't want to think about it.

H is married.

I saw him 3 months ago and he says nothing about it, and then I see him today and he's waving around his wedding band. And then he said, "my wife" and it felt even worse than I'd imagined it would.

Ugh.

I feel nauseas.

And to make matters worse I had to discover it at the very beginning of our visit, so I was probably acting weird throughout. It just... felt awkward. Like we don't kniw what to say to each other anymore. We'd been becoming friends for so long and now... I don't know.

Sometimes he'd look up and it would be just one of his usual looks of admiration I've been grateful to get to know. I mean, from what he said-- about my talent, my intelligence, etc.-- I know he thinks well of me and the way he pushed me to move forward with my dream and stop making excuses tells me that he still cares about me.

I just miss when he could show it more... like he used to. When she was girlfriends and fiancee...

I guess part of me never thought it would happen. He always expressed how trapped he felt; he used his job as an example, but it didn't seem like much had been making him happy lately. (this was in March)

And then he didn't seem any different today-- if anything, less satisfied with his life, which I hate. He has so much potential; he coud do ANYTHING, so I feel like he should be going out and DOING anything/ everything that he wants to do.

I really care about him.

Maybe it's the end-of-the-year stress, but I feel like he's just been becoming increasingly unhappy and I wish I could do something-- and I feel like if he let me in just a bit further, then maybe I could.

But I can't at a disastance. I can send him the occasional email that could cheer him up for MAYBE an hour, but that's not enough. I owe him so much.

He helped me. Now, I want to help him.

Does this sound childish? Illogical? I'm not really thinking straight right now, so I'm sorry if you read this and now wish you hadn't.

Gosh, I feel numb; it's been a while.

Welcome back.

at peace

2011-06-15T16:00:00.000-04:00

Remember my two best friends I was talking about? Well, they are B and C, to keep things simple/ anonymous.

Anyhow, I spent the night at C's last night with B, and we have had some crazy adventures. (hint: weed + H... but not at the same time. that'd be disasterous.) I WILL fill you in later though cuz it's pretty crucial stuff. ;)

So yeah... now I'm hear. I just had a healthy lunch of miso soup and avocado and cucumber rolls and now I'm eating blueberries and raspberries out of a small bowl while C's helping her mom make brownies.

I love being home.

I'm supposed to take a plane back to my fam's mid-western abode, but right now I'm thinking that I won't. I could easily stay here until the room in my college-town (hereafter referred to as collegetown or, simply, CTown) opens up in the beginning of July.

I mean, I already have plans! C + B are planning a trip to the beach on Saturday. I'm not happy with the way I look in a bikini yet, but maybe if I eat well for the next few days I'll look alright.

Besides, it actually sounds like fun! Like... I wanna go!

Weird.

Is this happiness, perhaps?

wheee!

2011-06-13T11:16:00.000-04:00

Question: So where am I?

Answer: I'm at my dad's in the kitchen eating really cold grapes. Which some people consider negative calories, but I count them as 0.

I love fruit.

I forgot how nice it can be to stay here. My dad and his gf eat really healthy, and they live in a little city so they walk everywhere.

Yesterday we went into new york and walked for hours, just wandering. It was nice. I've missed the city so, so, SOOO much!!! I mean, it's my city. It WAS my city for 19 years... and kind of still is since I go to school upstate, but it used to be so close. I'd hop on a train and I'd be there.

I LOVE planes, but I shouldn't have to use one to get here, you know?

I love my mom and my brothers, but I'll never be able to live with them, really, again. I can't not live on a coast... especially my beloved east coast. Especially near/ in my beloved city.

This is turning out to be a bit of a love letter...

Anyhow, as we were walking around I realized that I never want to leave this area ever again. I mean, my school isn't too close, but it's an awesome school. The degree will do so much for me, and I love it! But I don't want my permanent abode to ever not be in the new york metropolitan area ever again. This is my home. It's where I grew up and where most of my friends are. San francisco, LA, DC, and Portland are cool, but I can't see myself living anywhere but here, really.

Which is kind of a revelation for me. Because now I'm thinking columbia (or nyu if I decide to pursue screenwriting of go for an mfa) for grad-school. And next summer I want to try to rent a place in the city. It won't be cheap so I'll have to find a job and start saving, but I think it'll be worth it. Even if it's only for a month.

And maybe I can get my 2 best friends to go in on it with me! It would be cheaper AND tons of fun!

I love them. I should be seeing them in less than an hour!!! I'm ridiculously excited. I haven't seen them in person since winter break!

I HATE that my mom and brothers don't live here anymore. It kills me. It makes me feel like someone punched me in th sternum.

But one of my brothers in having a tough transition, so I told him that if he wants to go to high school with his old friends, he can stay with me. That would be in five years, so I'd probably be in grad-school, but if he lived with me, my mom would have to help pay the rent.

And I adore him. He's an awesome kid. He's one of those low-maintenance middle-children. And so sweet. And never a trouble-maker.

And he wants to go to college where I do!!! How cute is that??? I love it. It means he looks up to me. AND it would be really cool if he went there... and he's definitely on track! He's ridiculously smart... like, genius-level, so if he keeps his grades up, he'll get in I bet!

I'm sorry for bragging, I'm just really proud of him. :)

Well, I've gotta go have breakfast and then it's off to stay with my lovely friends!!!

Have an awesome day, guys! :)

something fun

2011-06-13T10:12:00.000-04:00

So I found this on A's blog http://beautyofbones27.blogspot.com/ and decided to give it a try because I want you guys to know more about me. Get a full picture. Etc.

strike out what you've done.

1. had sex
2. bought condoms (I've gotten them free at the college health place... not that I've had to use any)
3. gotten pregnant
4. failed a class
~~5. kissed a boy~~
6. kissed a girl
7. used a little paper bag for lunch (always and forever a lunchbox girl)
8. had a job (only babysitting occasionally)
~~9. slipped on ice~~
10. missed the school bus
11. left the house without my wallet/purse12. bullied someone on the internet
13. sexted
14. had sex in public
~~15. played on a sports team~~ (field gockey and lacrosse, mostly. woo!)
16. smoked weed
17. smoked cigarettes
18. smoked a cigar
~~19. drank alcohol~~
20. watched “The Breakfast Club”
21. been overweight
~~22 been underweight~~.
23. had an eating disorder
24. been to a wedding
25. made fun of someone for being fat
26. been on the computer for 5 hours straight
27. watched tv for 5 hours straight
28. been late for work
~~29. been late for school~~
30. kissed someone in the rain
~~31. showered with someone else~~ (not sexually. it was with a girlfriend)
32. failed my drivers test
~~33. ran a mile in less than 10 minutes~~
34. been outside my home country
35. been on a road trip longer than 5 hours
36. gotten my heart broken
37. had a credit card (but then my mom took it away because I was using it too much)
38. been to a professional sports game
49. broken a bone
40. been unhappy about my weight
41. won a trophy
42. cut myself
43. had an STD
44. got engaged
~~45. been on a diet~~
46. tried out to be on a tv show
~~47. rode in a taxi~~ (I've lived near new york for all my life)
~~48. been to prom~~
49. played in a drinking game
~~50. stayed up for 24 hours or more~~
~~51. been to a concert~~
52. had a three-some
53. had a crush on someone of the same sex (only girl-crushes. like, "she's so darn cool, etc.!" not sure if that counts...)
~~54. been in a car accident~~ (very minor and I wasn't driving)
55. had braces
56. learned another language (not incredibly successfully...)
57. killed an animal/bug
58. been at a yard sale
59. been to a japanese steakhouse
60. wore make up
~~61. talked to someone via webcam~~
62. lost my virginity before I was 16
~~63. had my wisdom teeth taken out~~
64. kissed someone a different race than myself
65. snuck out of the house
66. bought porn
~~67. had a virus on my computer~~
68. had oral sex
69. dyed my hair
70. gone skinny dipping
71. graduated from college (2014!!!)
~~72. wore someone else’s clothes~~
73. voted in a presidential election
~~74. rode in an ambulance~~ (EMT class. nothing too exciting)
75. rode in a helicopter
76. caught the stove on fire
77. got in a verbal fight
78. been on vacation
79. been on an airplane (many, many times and I'm still OBSESSED with them!)
80. been on a boat
81. had surgery.
82. kissed someone before I was 14. (I was 4 lol)
83. beat a video game (only Master Hand on super smash bros...)
84. found something valuable on the ground
85. made a survey

86. stalked someone on facebook/myspace
87. prank called someone
88. been to a library outside of school
89. spent over $100 shopping in one day
90. cut my hair and hated it
91. peed outside
92. went fishing
~~93. helped with charit~~y
94. taken a pregnancy test.
~~95. been rejected by a crush~~
96. been suspended from school
97. broken a mirror
98. faked sick from school (sooo many times!)
99. owned a pet
100. been to six flags

yay! so now you know a little bit more about me.

PS. welcome new followers!!! I love logging in and seeing your new, lovely faces!

Stuck at the airport

2011-06-11T16:49:00.000-04:00

So, I'm finally heading back to my home state! At least, I should be but the flight's delayed. Storms, maybe? They haven't said...

So I thought I'd take this opportunity to post some thinspo since I'm not sure if I'll be able to this week (since I'll be staying with friends and that would really freak them out...). So here it is:

Wheee! So I've had, by my estimation, 1000 cal today... which means I'm done. Hopefully my dad won't try to take me out to dinner from the airport. Luckily, I have a good excuse: "I'm tired from traveling." And it's true... or at least it will be. I'm already kind of tired because I didn't really sleep last night because I was in a hotel and the pillows were too squishy. I swear I feel like I was being suffocated whenever I tried to lay on one of my sides.

Anyhow...

So I went to sit down at my gate and I leaned my head back. Then I realized it was touching some strange man's head so I pulled it upright again. I guess I woke him up because I could see him from the corner of my eye looking around and looking really confused.

Oops.

Damn my head hurts. It hurts a lot. I'm beginning to wonder if maybe I need to get my eyes checked...?

I'm thinking I might go back to where I go to college a month and a half early, because I can sublet a room for about $75/wk, and then I get to be on my own again, and hopefully get my eating firmly back on track before the year begins. I won't have much money, which will help...

And there's also a guy. He's gonna be a sophmore too and he's from the town so he's there. We hit it off at a party right after classes finished and danced all night. My friend's trying to get us together; she asked him (let's call him A) what was up with us and whether he was gonna ask me out, but he said it was too late in the year and it could only be painful since we'd be separated for months in less than a week.

Which I didn't like, but it's fair. BUT at least he expresssed interest. I don't think I've ever had a guy express so much interest... which is sad, I think, since I'm 19.

But, then again, I was (and still kind of am) in love with someone 13 years older than me for the last 2 years of high school so it's not like I was looking... or even making an effort with guys. Then I met a guy in college and learned how to talk to guys, etc.... but before that, I didn't really know. I could only talk to the older guy (let's call him H).

I'll hopefully get to see him this week. I hope I do, because above all, we're friends. And he's been wonderful to me.

blllllllllllllllluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggg

Is this plane ever going to board? I'm gonna have to text my dad and he's gonna have a nervous breakdown because he HATES changes in plans. He's really inflexible and stressed out. It's sad because he's pretty old and I think he's too old to change.

Oh! So I have this friend who used to be anorexic (from 7th grade- high school) and I was one of her best friends so I was really worried about her but her mother was/ is still in denial. Anyway, she went to college a year early and seemed to gain some weight so I wasn't as worried for her for a while. I mean, she was so boney and she isn't naturally a small-bones person. It was sad and scary.... and it got to a point (when I gained puberty-weight in high school around junior year and REALLY felt I needed to lose weight) when I wasn't jealous of her body anymore... looking at her in a bkini made me feel kind of, well, sick. (And you guys KNOW I envy skinny bodies... but woah.)

Anyhow, apparently she's started drinking alot and then b/p-ing. I should have known she couldn't have gotten out of the woods so easily... but that's stupid to think about because I wouldn't have been able to stop it. I mean, I wouldn't let anyone stop me, and she's even more stubborn than I am! I mean, 5 years of eating scant amounts and I've lasted only a few months probably eating 2 or 3x of what she was eating.

I guess her mom told my mom... but she isn't concerned. She sent her off to see a therapist and seems to think that'll be the end of it. She really needs to connect the dots.

So next semester (I ended up at the same school she's at) and while I'm in our town, I'm going to make it my goal to be available for her. I'm gonna make sure I see her more, if nothing else just to show her that I still care about her and value of friendship. (We had a falling-out during high school. It's a long story.)

Knowing her (and I've known her for 10 years!) and understanding EDs, I think that's the best course of action.

But I don't know. Should I be doing more? I don't know WHAT but I don't know... given our history, I feel like I should.

Anyway, we're boarding now! I hope you all are having a great day.

And greetings, new follower! I can't see who you are (my comp is acting up), but you're awesome! :)

2011-06-09T14:27:00.000-04:00

as promised: thinspiration!

2011-06-08T21:51:00.000-04:00

Because I am a woman of my word!

So today was another success by my standards. 1050 cal. Not super low, but when I've continued eating this much for a few weeks in the past, I've felt really good.

In fact, I already felt better today. And my calves felt smaller-- which could easily simply be my imagination, but does it matter? Isn't the point to feel good?

I mean, I obviously want to get to my goals, and I think (I hope) that what I've been doing for the past 2 days is getting me on track to do just that, and I'm obviously looking forward to reaching them and seeing a better version of myself in the mirror and pictures, but everyday counts, and I think that the trick to getting to our goal weights and staying there is to realize that, to take satisfaction every day in the fact that that day went well, and feeling increasingly better about ourselves bit-by-bit and day-by-day as a result.

(Geez that was a long sentence.)

At least, that's what I think, what I imagine is the case, though I don't know because I'm not at my goal weight. I have been before. I've looked at the scale and saw 102 creep into 98, 98 drip down into 96, 95, 93.

I've lost this weight before and I've been beating myself up for not being able to do it again-- and especially for not remembering how I did it in the first place.

But this morning when I woke up and looked in the mirror and walked out of the house and got my picture taken NOT feeling disgusting, I knew that I'd been there before: that magical land of possibilities that you walk through as you're just getting started on a project or goal of any sort.

I mean, getting started isn't easy; newton's 1st law tells us that. Inertia: it's a fact of life. But WE'VE done it. Us, here, with our blogs. We've made plans or started diets and either stuck to them or not (in my case), and that does take effort. I know that when I screw up after doing so well I feel like a failure for not trying hard enough, and the truth is that I COULD try harder-- and I'm going to this time around, I will-- but, regardless, I DID give it a try, some kind of try.

And I think that's something. I think it's something big. Sure, continuing something is a bit more challenging than starting something, but we already know how to put effort into things. We've done it-- now we just have to put a bit more in or allocate it differently or whatever. Each day is just a day; just focus on making it through the one in front of you.

Crumb by crumb, and all that stuff.

I guess I feel like it's just time that we give ourselves a little pat on the back. I mean, I've been horrible to myself in the past, and really not great for the past couple of weeks. And that didn't help me. I understand that we're all different, and from reading your blogs and comments I see that we all have different motivators, different approaches, etc. but for me, I need to not feel like crap. Because if I'm worth nothing, why do I have to be beautiful? Why should I try? It seems like a waste of energy. And so I head for the kitchen...

Not this time. I just had 2 good days, and I know that isn't a lot but I'm desperate-- and I was desperate to get out of that cycle of eating-- so as ridiculous as it probably is, I'm going to give myself a pat on the back (and maybe buy myself a song on itunes...) because this is what I think I have to do in order to succeed this time. Only time will tell...

I hope all of you are well and doing well and feeling good because you're all AWESOME and you inspire me to continue writing and making good food choices and trying to be better. So thanks.

This one's for you! :)

a fun fact

2011-06-07T21:30:00.000-04:00

weighing yourself at least once a week increases your chances of weight loss 6x.

good stuff, right? i just saw it on twitter and thought i would share :)

speaking of which, ive decided to only weigh myself once a week because everyday makes me crazy. i get all frustrated and worked up and then i binge.

not good.

but today has been successful! 1000 cal. it feels so good :)

ps. I GOT 3 NEW FOLLOWERS!!! hey, guys! you're awesome.

you're ALL awesome! :)

alright. enough of that ;) ive gotta do a real post-- like, on my laptop-- so that i can use capitol letters appropriately and include thinspo. it will happen soon, i swear!

105.4

2011-06-04T14:39:00.000-04:00

a bit of a gain, but from what i hear, that can happen sometimes and mean nothing.

besides, i had 1100 which is a solid 200 cal below my bmr.

so im at chez grandma. it is like being in a sauna if you arent sitting by thr air conditioning

according to my mom, our apt complex thing has a fitness room which i should really go to. even just sitting on an exercise bike and reading is good. i used to do that in our basement. when we had a basement. and an exercise bike.

good times.

im sorry. im feeling really snarky today. i think im just angry. i miss feeling at home and having my friends around. everyone i know here has other people, so they dont need me.

im sorry. im a downer right now. and im craving red vines. maybe if i go to the fitness thing today i will let myself have some if i go buy some...

but im afraid to exercise,to tell you the truth. im terrified of bulky legs. and of muscle that will confuse my weight loss. ki mean, i know exercise is supposed to help you lose weight... i want to dance but i think im too late to enroll in a class, and besides, i shall be gone for at least two weeks. i know that already.and im not comfortable enough here to attend any of those open classes. and they require leotards anfd frankly that sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

maybe yoga. they offer that at the club we joined. if i can fgure out how to drive there, maybe... but id also need aappropriate attire.

can you see how it happens that i can go weeks without getting anything done?

105.2

2011-06-03T18:33:00.000-04:00

I've gotta keep this up! I'm going back to my home-state in a week and I wanna be firmly on track.

WE CAN DO THIS!

I'm having a hot-flash; those tend to make me a bit loopy.

105.6

2011-06-02T16:40:00.000-04:00

aaand it's that time of the month. so i should be at my heaviest, correct?

also, i WILL get caught up on all of your blogs! i really will!

106.2

2011-05-31T11:47:00.000-04:00

honestly, i'm relieved. i expected it to be closer to 110. not that i'm happy with this number-- you know i'm not! i want to get down to 90 again, and be in the double-digits by my return to school (late august).

i can do that, right? 7 pounds in 3 months?

i see how a lot of you guys give yourselves rewards for reaching certain sub-goals, and i want to try that. i know that when i get to 90, i want to get full-bangs like zooey deschanel, but on the way? i'm not sure. i like clothes and books, and i started taking ballet, so i could use some dancewear, but i'm not sure how i want to space it out. maybe every 2.5 pounds?

it's kind of exciting!

so, to get you guys up to speed-ish, i just finished my first year of college/ uni, and it was awesome! i really like where i am and i'm excited to go back!

my family has moved, so i'm there/ here right now with them. it's kind of lonely because i'm so far from my friends and the place i consider my home still, but all of my relatives are here, so at least i have them.

my mom replaced our family car which, as stupid as it is, i'm really upset about. i learned how to drive in that car and drove to school every day in it-- i just loved that car. i loved the way it drove, i loved the familiarity... i get (overly) sentimental sometimes. i don't know...

that's all i can think of. hope you guys are doing well! i've gotta catch up on your blogs!

peace

hello again, my friends

2011-05-30T15:39:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow, I weight myself. I'm scared.

I am SO sorryI

2011-03-31T20:00:00.000-04:00

I have been a truly horrid blogger. I really have.

my explanation: the shit has kind of hit the fan for me. some familiy trouble followed my my mother's lovely announcement that they are moving. and far from where I attend uni. thanks.

I know this is what's best so I'm trying to support it, but it's hard. it's hard to watch my family fall apart again. it's hard to realize that I won't be able to go home again. not really, at least.

it's a time of change and I dont' do well with change.

and I feel like I've gained... simply from all the stress. and I want to do well... REALLY well for all of you.

and today I rediscovered Julia Frakes and so maybe...maybe this time...

I will start posting again. I think I am ready.

-K

interesting...

2011-03-15T17:25:00.002-04:00

RESULTS - GUIDELINE ONLY

Maintenance:	1623 Calories/day
Fat Loss:	1299 Calories/day
Extreme Fat Loss:	974 Calories/day
7 day calorie cycle (zig-zag)

	Ex Fat Loss	Fat Loss	Maintain
Monday	974	1299	1624
Tuesday	824	1039	1299
Wednesday	1169	1559	1948
Thursday	974	1299	1624
Friday	877	1169	1461
Saturday	1072	1429	1786
Sunday	974	1299	1624

Insomnia: The Musical

2011-03-14T23:35:00.001-04:00

I'm experiencing severe sinkmate envy right now. She's skyping with her mom and talking about how she's too skinny. She said that that she liked that she's toned (I NEED to find out what kind of exercises she does...) but she wishes that she has bigger hips.

Really? REALLY?

She said that she's "shaped like a boy." I'd kill for that. Maybe.

I mean, I get that beauty's in the eye of the beholder, the grass is always greener on the other side, etc. but how can being too skinny (if one is not starving and in danger) possibly be a bad thing??? She isn't dangerously skinny...

Now she's talking about how she wants to get a job FOR FUN.

Dude, I frickin' NEED a job because we attend a pretty darn expensive university. It's an investment, and I have faith that, in the future, having the school's name associated with mine will be worth it, but for the time being it's difficult. And I feel guilty for burdening my parents in this way, but I got in and it's not like it ISN'T affordable, just stressful, you know? And I got in! It was exciting; they wanted me to go.

Now she's talking about yoga. I guess that's her secret.

Oh! And some sort of dance. And zumba. (What is that?)

And rock climbing. Shit. How does she do so much? I feel overwhelmed just taking swing dance and tae kwon do, schedule-wise.

And physically. Who am I kidding? I'm tired ALL THE TIME. This afternoon I fell asleep at 5-someting. Took a nice nap. That's probably why I can't seem to sleep now...

Anyhow, I suppose I'm back. I'm not 101. I've been doing pretty well (1000-1100 cal) but my body seems intent on staying in the 102- 103 range.

F*ck me.

A few days ago, though, I'd eaten too much. I felt guilty. A few weeks ago, I had stomach flu and I was in so much pain that I made myself throw up just to make it stop. It was easy; my body wanted it, it just needed that extra push.

Anyhow, I thought of that on that night, and I wanted to see if I could do it again.

And I did! It was magical. I'd tried so many times before and failed; finally, I'd gotten it right! I loved feeling the calories tumble out of me... like a time machine. Going back and undoing the damage.

It was really gross, though. And I haven't done it sense (I haven't had to), and I will try to avoid it because I know it's dangerous and I know people get addicted to it, but it's nice to have in my back pocket, just in case.

I hope you all are well! I need to catch up on your blogs again. My spring break is coming, so that will be a good chance for that...

Also, welcome, new followers! You guys are awesome.

Peace.

2011-02-18T11:56:00.000-05:00

ive decided not to post until i reach my first goal because this is not ok. ive binged on cereal the last two days and so today my weight was 104 which isnt as bad as it could have been... but it shouldnt have been up at all!

i need to get to 98. fast.

im still going to try to comment... which i know ive been bad at lately so i apologize!

anyhow, see you guys on the skinny side! ;)

102.8, 10.3 % fat

2011-02-15T08:29:00.000-05:00

I must not go back to 103. I must not go back to 103...

Never again.

Why, hello, Miranda! Fancy seeing you today. (I'm REALLY tired. Can you tell?)

So, yesterday I had a dessert day: 250 cal of real food, 800 cal of vegan chocolates. LOL. It was pretty awesome AND I stayed wthin my happy 1000 (or below!) to 1100 range.

Huzzah!

I'm gonna go before I make even more of an arse of myself ;)

Have a WONDERFUL day, everyone!!!

-K

PS. I'm going to get caught up on your blogs! It's gonna happen!

103.6 lbs, 10.8% fat (again)

2011-02-14T21:15:00.000-05:00

Happy Valentine's Day! I guess after years of abuse my body has finally decided to rebel.

C'est la vie.

So I was leaving my room to go shower when I discovered a Mr. Goodbar chilling out atop my dry-erase board. I chucked it down the hallway; my dormmates must think I'm insane!

PS. If you don't have a special someone, I'll be your Valentine! My mom is mine, so... yeah. ;)

103.6 lbs, 10.8% fat

2011-02-12T11:39:00.000-05:00

That fat just ain't budging.

Other than that, thank goodness I'm back in the 103s!!! I've been eating waaay too much (1300-1500 cal) and a lot of it is ver fiberous.... why am I so damn self-destructive?

But yesterday I had a net of 1050 and I am DETERMINED to get back on track... especially because I shall have an interview next week and I need to look my very best!

So I've been going through your blogs to get all caught up... there's something immensely sad about finding out that someone left the blogging world. A few people did, actually, while I was gone. I mean, it's good if they leave to go into recovery. That right there is bravery. But I feel like all too often it means descending deeper into the rabbit hole.

Intentional or not.

What I'm getting at is that we, for better or worse, are each other's support systems for this shared facit of our lives. I discovered blogging two years ago but it feels like its been much longer because I can't imagine, at this point, leaving this world behind. For me, that would mean suffering in silence, and that's something that no one should have to do.

-K

104 lbs, 10.8% fat

2011-02-10T07:53:00.000-05:00

so by my calculaions I'm holding onto an extra 10 pounds that aren't really necessary...

fascinating.

anyhow, this is pretty sub-par and tomorrow I MUST be back into the 103s or I'm going to have a meltdown. Seriously.

was thinking about when I left for college... I was 96 pounds then! And a whole lot of that was muscle. I NEED to get back to that. I can't be one of those freshman 15 stereotypes.

so I'm going to get back to that. By April. By the Yule Ball. (Yes, Harry Potter fans. The YULE-frickin'-BALL!!! <3) There will be dresses and cameras and therefore I need to look fabulous. Amazing.

And what if D is there? Perhaps I can win him once and for all!

(I saw him, by the way. Very briefly, but it was nice. And he smelled really good) ;)

P.S I WILL catch up on all of your blogs! I'm sensing a free afternoon today... :)

P.P.S please remind me to NEVER eat dried fruit ever again. It tastes good, but it reeks so much havoc; it simply isn't worth it.

2011-02-05T10:27:00.000-05:00

Hi! Hi!

Don't worry, I have not been abducted by aliens! The new semester has started so I'm back at college and it's been kind of crazy. I wasn't too involved last semester, so now I'm getting involved in all these things and it's kind of overwhelming!

Anyhow, I've been doing pretty well since I've been back (aside from this past Tues-Thurs, but I pretty much made up for it calorie-wise yesterday, so I'm feeling alright!) but I'm going to start blogging again because I miss all of you!!!

I'm sorry I haven't been here/ there for the past couple of weeks; how have all of you been?

Day 2: tofu!

2011-01-18T20:03:00.000-05:00

I had A LOT of tofu today. It was awesome! :)

Intake- 1300 (not so awesome... but whatever, I guess...)
(-) Burned- 300
Net- 1000

Which isn't too shabby...

^^^ I've been watching Gossip Girl lately ;)

So, I'm almost definitely going back on Thursday. I'm actually feeling better about it; my classes don't start until Monday, but I like being early and having time to settle in. Maybe I'll even see D...

Hopefully not right away, though. I miss him, but I don't want him to see me like this: bloated with breakouts. I want to see him when I'm TINY... though if I leave it up to him to schedule time for me, it could be weeks!

Sigh.

How were/ are your days? Good?

On pilates

2011-01-18T14:55:00.000-05:00

It seems I'll be heading back to school sooner than expected. We're in the process of selling our house and it's really stressful... and my mom basically just told me to save myself.

Hahaha. It's funny in a slightly pathetic way...

So, yeah. I may be going back tomorrow or Thursday morning. It feels weird. It's too soon...

Anyhow, the reason for my post:

When I go back to school, I'd like to start doing pilates. I read about all you guys doing it and I feel left out :-P

BUT I'd like some advice: where do I start? What kind should I do?

Anyone have any internet links?

Thank youuu! <3

105

2011-01-18T12:55:00.000-05:00

kjhLKFSJHLKJbkbnm

I don't understand!!! According to the numbers, I should have lost almost 2 lbs by now... meaning I should be in the 101s or 100s at MOST.

These extra pounds BETTER be due to my digestive issues... and come of immediately upon my return to campus.

^^^ I love MK. She's small like me, so her look may be actually attainable...

Lily Cole <3 (Fun fact: I always wished I were a redhead)

ALK <3 (Another fact: I'm currently obsessed with bangs. Big, blunt bangs. There's some alliteration for ya...)

Kaya Scodelario <3 <3 <3 (Yet another fun fact: I love Skins and I'm angry that my country has come up with some crap version of it...)

In other news, I had to change my current weight on my stats to 104, as it's been over 3 days since I've been 103. It nearly killed me...

GOOD LUCK, you guys! I need to live vicariously through you... :)

P.S. A new (old) rule: I'm not going to eat after 6 pm. Ever. Again. Hopefully, this will help with my digestion somewhat...

Day 1: Black Swan

2011-01-18T12:07:00.000-05:00

Holy crap. What a film! So beautiful, so intense.

Wow.

And such thinspiration!

Gah. I can't form a coherent thought. Maybe in a couple of days...

(P.S. Pictures to come!)

Um... alright. Anyway...

Intake- 1250
(-) Burned- 300 (woohoo!)
Net- 950

Which is perfectly acceptable. ;)

Now, I just need to keep this up until Saturday... I'm supposed to go back to school weighing 98!!! (Not that it's a likely number at this juncture...)

I hope you're all having a splendid day!!! :)

104.2

2011-01-17T12:24:00.000-05:00

Ok. So the last two days were fails (two words: vegan cupcakes), but there is very little temptation left in the house, so I should be fine.

^^^ I'm slightly obsessed with Gemma Ward

I'm planning on leaving on Saturday, so I just have to get through til then.

1200 cal. 1200 cal. Plus exercise...

I hope you're all well! I'm off to see Black Swan and then I'll catch up on all of your lovely blogs! :)

Days 0 and too much weight

2011-01-17T12:08:00.000-05:00

For the past two days, I've had nets of 1500 and 1175 and weights of 104.2 and 105.2 respectively.

alfjkHJKlegbklbjkBFN

FAIL, FAIL, FAIL.

104.2

2011-01-15T12:36:00.000-05:00

kjhrFNKJJfbnnm

Kill me. Just kill me.

Rules:

1. 1200 calories a day

2. sit-ups in the morning

3. stretching at night

4. push-ups MWFSat

5. exercise bike EVRY SINGLE DAY

6. tea and prune juice in the morning

Otherwise, a day does not count as a "Day."

If I can do this every day until I go back to school, I will be immensely proud of myself!

98, HERE I FRICKIN' COME!!!

Day 0: the downside of dinner parties

2011-01-15T12:27:00.000-05:00

... is that you have to eat as to not offend the person who made the food. And the fewer the attendees, the more you have to eat.

There were 4 of us, and she made just about everything vegan just for ME. So sweet, but ugh!

Intake- 1500 (FAIL.)
(-) Burned- 400
Net- 1100 (FAIL.)

So, yeah. I failed. And you know what? Later today I have an obligatory lunch.

I hate this! Why must we always socialize over food???

I hope you're all doing MUCH better than I am!

103.4

2011-01-14T13:16:00.000-05:00

... which I don't think is bad at all, all things considered. It's just that I have to go to a dinner party tonight, and I'll be seeing an old friend with whom I'm EXTREMELY competitive and I hoped to look stunning. But, alas, my digestive woes have taken their toll on both my stomach AND my skin. (Seriously, I look like crap... and my skin feels dry and gross so I FEEL like crap as well.)

whqtahelkjfhajik

BUT I'm drinking some hot tea right now, so I'm hoping it will help me out AND I've made a few resolves:

1. No more dried fruit until my digestive system is working properly. (Shouldn't be impossible since I finished most of the open bags yesterday... :-/ )
2. Finish the book I started over break- Tammy Wynette: Tragic Country Queen. I really love it so far, but I've been spending all my GD time on the computer, etc. (This will make me feel much less like a failure upon my return to school.)
3. In addition to my prune juice, drink hot tea every morning.
4. Continue my morning sit-ups and stretch every night before bed.

What do you think?

Day 3

2011-01-13T18:04:00.000-05:00

Intake- 1250
(-) Burned- 350
Net- 900

I felt a binge coming on after dinner, and frankly, I still don't feel quite out of the woods. All this damn dried fruit... I swear it'll be my undoing! My crampy, bloated undoing...

(Apparently, "crampy" isn't a word. Oops.)

If only my torso could ever look like that... but it's too short and stubby. I need a corset or something.

Anyhow, today was alright and I followed the rules I set for myself, so that's good! And I find that by aiming for 1200 calories, I don't over-eat just because I've been exercising, and if I haven't exercised, I NEED to in order to bring my total down.

If that makes sense. My brain seems to be a bit tired today. From what? I don't know, since the past month has consisted of me watching TV and going on the computer. I SHOULD have been reading. I even brought home books to read...

I guess I just kind of feel like a failure right now. It sounds stupid, but I think it's this morning's weight. I guess I just expected to be less right now (after 2 days of this new eating plan? Seriously?).

I sure do dream big... which in this case is actually SMALL.

I hope you all had/have a wonderful day! :)

103.6

2011-01-13T14:12:00.000-05:00

I hopped on and off the scale 5 or 6 times willing this to not be so but, alas, I have GAINED weight.

This had better be a fluke.

I think it is, because my stomach feels squirmy (a great description, right?) and my digestive system seems more screwed up than usual, so maybe I DID get that stomach thing my brother had...

Positive thinking. Positive thinking.

I'm anxious in a way to get back to school, because that's the only place my stomach seems to work these days... and I few like AT LEAST a couple of these pounds are from, erm, unfinished business, so I'm excited to see the number on the scale when they come off!

And I'm planning on going back late next week, so I don't have to wait long, I suppose...

I dislike school at the moment (or the thought of school, really), but I also dislike being a bloated mess.

P.S. Welcome new followers! How are you on this fine day?

Day 2

2011-01-13T13:59:00.000-05:00

Ahhh! I didn't get around to posting yesterday. Things are kind of crazy here because we're trying to sell our house, etc. :-/ Anyhow...

Intake- 950 (huzzah!)
(-) Burned- 0 (wah wah...)
Net- 950

Which I'm rather pleased with. :)

Handy-dandy chart

2011-01-12T12:51:00.000-05:00

from I Told You Not To Eat:

I need to memorize this thing!

103.0

2011-01-12T12:00:00.000-05:00

Thank goodness! Really.

For a split second, the scale said 103.4 and I swear I was about to have a meltdown, and then it went down to 103.2... and then 103.0.

I would have preferred 98, but this is something! (And hopefully NOT a fluke!)

Also, my stomach already has a line down the middle and dimples on the sides from the sit-ups I did! I used to absolutely detest how easily I can gain muscle because I always gained in my thighs and they started taking over the world... but I like gaining it in my stomach!

I feel like a superhero whose powers are finally being used for GOOD and not evil...

Ok, bad simile. I'm going to stop talking now. More Miranda Kerr thinspo:

*immense envy*

Alright! Here's hoping for the 102s by tomorrow!

Also... HOORAH for followers in the double-digits!!! Shucks, you guys! :)

P.S. My mom just came in and advised me to eat light since one of my brothers is sick. Well, you know what, Mom? I will do just that! ;)

Day 1

2011-01-11T18:56:00.001-05:00

Intake- 1250 (alright)
-Burned- 300
Net- 950

All in all, I'm pleased. I mean, I have a migraine and I really, really want to eat more (I won't, I swear!), but I have faith that if I keep this up, in the upcoming days I will see results and I will be happy.

Which is really very optimistic for me. I'm usually pretty gloom and doom... but perhaps the new year has taken a toll on me!

Speaking off the new year, I made some resolutions in my head at 11:59 (be nice, etc.) but I have yet to write them down, so I think I'm going to do that here if you don't mind. That is, when I get the energy to think of that list and press the keys needed to transfer it from my brain onto this computer.

I'm honestly EXHAUSTED right now... and I guess I have been for the last two or three days. I don't have the energy to read, lie in the bath, or even watch last night's Castle... and I LOVE Castle.

What's wrong with me??? (No, that's not rhetorical. If you have any idea, please chime in!)

P.S. Hello to new followers! You guys are lovely :)

Blech.

2011-01-11T13:26:00.000-05:00

You know what I said about cleaning the bathroom yesterday? Well, try cleaning an animal cage!

Seriously, I never want to eat something ever again that I've touched with these hands...

103.4

2011-01-11T12:14:00.000-05:00

Again. ksjfbnkjwrg

I'll blame it on all the dried fruit and my crap digestive system. And my moronic ways.

and the lovely Miranda Kerr:

She has an incredible body! She really does.

So today is my first day of my 1200 plan, when I will actually consume 1200 calories. Or less. Less is always good... but not TOO much less or my metabolism will slow down.

What am I saying??? Less? I think I'm getting ahead of myself because, you see, I haven't even whittled my calories down to 1200 yet!

But I WILL. Today. It's happening.

Also, today I'm going to start working my abs consistently. No more random sit-up sessions. No! Every. Single. Day. I'm going to wake up, put in my contacts, etc., and then do as many as I can (around 20-something, the last time I checked. Yes, I am a weakling) before weighing myself. Then, later in the days I will join my mom in this strange exercise she does for her obliques, involving a large ball...

It's happening. In fact, I'm off to do some sit-ups right now...

Not Day 2, but not NOT Day 2

2011-01-10T20:23:00.000-05:00

Intake- 1600 cal (holy shit)
(-) Burned- 600 cal
Net- 1000 cal

By recording my intake for the past two days BEFORE taking off what I've burned (usually, throughout the day I'd keep numbers in my head: like, say I ate 500 cal between breakfast an lunch, but walked off 100 of those calories, I'd tell myself "400," combining the two lists), I've come to realize that I eat too freaking much.

And to think I used to think I ate too little! Psh.

Anything above 1200 is NOT too little, according to pretty much every source I've read on this, and I guess I thought that I MUST be eating that since my ulti-list (see above^^^) was usually 1200 or below.

Can someone please explain to me how I managed to pass my first semester of college?

My resolve: eat 1200 cal... as in, put 1200 and only 1200 calories (or less!) worth of food into my mouth a day.

So, no. I've done fine (I guess) today, but today is not Day 2... and yesterday was not Day 1. Not really. But hopefully, tomorrow will be.

On a cheerier note, a third story: Two days ago, I was with two of my friends. One of them, let's call her B (the one who said I looked skinny), pulls out a cardigan from her overnight bag and tries it on, but it's too small. She mutters something about it shrinking in the dryer, and then immediately looks to me. She asks, "Do you want it?"

Well, duh, B! Duh!

So... not only did I get a WONDERFUL compliment, but I got a free cardigan. And it's really cute (it's from Urban Outfitters).

A tip?

2011-01-10T13:24:00.002-05:00

Nothing puts one off eating quite like cleaning the bathroom.

V is for victory

2011-01-10T11:22:00.000-05:00

Another story:

Two nights ago, I went out walking about in the city wearing size 24 jeans. And they fit! They weren't ridiculously tight or anything.

So, this got me thinking: maybe 24 is my new size. Could it be??? If so, I can finally claim to wear a 23. (EVERYONE lies, alright? ;) )

leg love <3

In other news, I weigh 103.4 pounds today.

qorhblkqjgbtklwjbg

Day 1: complete

2011-01-09T20:14:00.000-05:00

Intake: 1450 (yuck)
Burned: 450 (thank the lord)
Net: 1000

Not too shabby. It was 950, but then I just HAD to have tea... and, of course, in my tea I NEED a whole tablespoon of agave sweetener. Damn agave. It's really just too, too good.

Story time: Two days ago, a couple of my friends came over. I, the fashionista that I am, was rocking the long-sleeved shirt and sweatpants look. With a scarf.

Anyhow, we walk into the living room and my friend says something about "you" (referring to me) and "skinny." Being the insecure, attention-whore that I've recently become, I naturally ask her to repeat herself. She says, "you look skinny in sweatpants. Most people don't."

I think this quote made my year. (So, note to friends: 2011 is covered. Please save all nice comments for 2012. Thank you.)

I mean, she's insecure... and perhaps a bit ednos herself... and definitely NOT one for random compliments like that. I've known her forever and I love her, but she just isn't that type. So this, naturally, surprised me. But, obviously, made me extremely happy. I mean, telling a girl with an ED that she's "skinny" is better than any material item you could EVER give her.

Or maybe that's just me.

But, regardless, if she's noticing, I must be doing SOMETHING right. Right?

Ummm... how about we make this Day 1?

2011-01-09T15:49:00.000-05:00

Ok. So for the past couple of days I've been with friends, and I obviously can't blog when they're around! But now I'm back... and I'm not too pleased.

Jan 6- 1500 cal (My mom bought vegan cupcakes for me and I'm weak. So, yeah.)
Jan 7- 500 cal
Jan 8- 1250 cal

And my BMR is 1300... so 500 is awesome, 1500 pretty much sucks, and 1250 is hardly acceptable. For the record.

And today I got on the scale and it said 104.2. That's NOT ok! I need to be 98 by the time I go back to school in two weeks... so hopefully this number has something to do with my current state of menstruation (as in, I'm doing it right now).

Luckily, today I've only had 300 calories and the only meal I have left is dinner... so I have 600+ calories to spare! I love when that happens; I feel safe.

Those arms and thighs and calves...

Can you tell that I have a bit of a leg-obsession yet? ;)

Tiny, tiny wrists. <3

I'm feeling hungry, so I think I'm gonna have a veggie burger (100 cal) and then go watch an episode of Chuck while I ride the exercise bike (-300+). Good plan?

Day 0/ Introduction pt. II sans tea

2011-01-07T17:56:00.000-05:00

I don't want this blog to be just like my old one. I want it to be shiny and new! (Or lacy... I prefer lace.) Hopefully, as I start to post more and more I'll start to figure out where exactly I'm going with this...

But for now, how about I talk about today:

I ate 300 calories of soup (tofu and mushroom... which are possibly my two favorite foods ever!) and then burned 300 calories on the exercise bike.

Tangent alert!

I LOVE that damn bike. Love it. Want to have its children. Etc.

Before this winter break I'd never really used it. I'd always prided myself on being an elliptical person (we've got one of those as well)... but you know what? The exercise bike is sooo much easier and ore convenient: I take my laptop and rest it on the handle bars, and as I ride I can watch DVDs and check blogs, which makes time go by faster and the calories-burned relatively painless.

Yesterday, I burned 700 calories without even realizing it! It was magical. It really was.

Tangent over.

So, yes. I rode the bike and then I had 50 calories worth of dried fruit, leaving me with a net total of 50 calories.

And it's 5:45 PM. Go me!

(I think that for my next post I'll try some kind of calories consumed/ burned chart a la Adeline, as her blog is INCREDIBLE! I found it a couple of days ago and simply had to read it from the beginning. It's elegantly written and downright inspirational!)

I'm going to eat more, though. To some, this may seem kind of high, but I usually aim for a net intake of 950- 1000 calories and/ or consuming 1200 calories and then burning off however much I see fit. Why? Because someone once told me that eating 1200 calories will keep you out of starvation mode... and that's my goal, for I DEEPLY want to lose weight, but I also don't want to screw up my metabolism (then I'd just gain A TON of weight later on in life :-/) and I might just want children someday.

Or child. Maybe. Possibly...

So that's my philosophy-- not that it's worked wonders or anything! (I wish.)

What's yours? Any tips for a newbie to this community?

Introductions over a cup of tea

2011-01-07T14:50:00.000-05:00

Hello (or "Bonjour"-- my french TA would be proud)! I'm Kat, and I have an eating disorder. EDNOS to be precise, though anorexia has never been far away and I've had occasional affairs with bulimia (especially exercise bulimia... which I kind of worship).

I've had an ED since my sophmore year of high school (that's when I began to restrict... but I'd been having what I like to call "fat feelings" since my freshman year, though I must have been 90-something pounds). That year, I also began to have reactions to wheat and dairy products so I cut those out of my diet for about 4 months... and ended up in the low-80s.

I was miserable (anxiety/ depression, which I was subsequently medicated for), but I was skinny. So skinny.

Then, like some twisted miracle, I could eat these things again! Thus, during my junior year I gained weight. I probably got up to the low-100s, but that felt high enough. I became a vegetarian in the middle of the year, and I was pleased to see my weight stabilize (though, to be clear, I became a vegetarian for the ANIMALS and not for weight loss), but I needed it lower so I started restricting again...

And I restricted into my senior year, and many days I actually felt like I was looking good! Not great, but good! Then, I became a vegan that February (for the animals... I read Skinny Bitch and it just about broke my heart) and I began to feel even better about myself-- inside (probably because of the lack of dairy) and out. It was wonderful.

And my weight slipped down, from the high 90s to the mid 90s to the low 90s... And then I was off to college (or "university" as most of the world seems to call it), and I'd last weighed in at 93.

Ah, the good ol' days.

I just finished my first semester at said college. It's extremely competitive and sells scrumptious vegan cookies... BUT the dining halls are committed to offering healthy vegan options and I walk at least a couple of miles up and down hills everyday getting to and from class.

But, alas, when I left to come home after winter break I was a whopping 102 lbs.

And I'm 5'2. I'm SHORT... so this weight is not nearly as low as it seems. In fact, it's happily settled in the "normal" BMI range, which is not where I want to be.

Well, it appears I've finished my tea, so I suppose this introduction is over. However, you're free to ask my any questions you have (comment or email me at karnii@live.com).

Also, feel free to check out the blog that I started... my junior year? Sophmore?

http://toastick.wordpress.com/

A demain,

Kat

Skinny Love

2011-01-07T14:41:00.000-05:00

Artist: Bon Iver

Come on skinny love just last the year
Pour a little salt we were never here
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer

I tell my love to wreck it all
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Right in the moment this order's tall

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind
In the morning I'll be with you
But it will be a different "kind"
I'll be holding all the tickets
And you'll be owning all the fines

Come on skinny love what happened here
Suckle on the hope in lite brassiere
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Sullen load is full; so slow on the split

I told you to be patient
I told you to be fine
I told you to be balanced
I told you to be kind
Now all your love is wasted?
Then who the hell was I?
Now I'm breaking at the britches
And at the end of all your lines

Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall far behind?

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